It's been so long, I don't even know where to begin. Three weeks. Wow. The reason? Pain. Indescribable pain. I'm ready to admit it now... now that I'm starting to see the light on the other side.
I last wrote about our cancelled IUI in September... we still utilized the hormones and things were feeling really positive. The path we had started down felt really
right. I was in a lot of pain from all the drugs, I think a little ovarian over-stimulation or something. I tested on day 28 and - lo and behold! - it was negative. No real surprise there. So I stopped taking the prometrium (progesterone) meant to sustain an early pregnancy and began feeling the ache, the sting from another hope dashed.
When my cycle started, it was the most intense pain I've dealt with in awhile but it also began the whole process all over again. I called my nurses, set up appointments, ordered more drugs... the next day when I actually looked at the calendar and was figuring everything out with Gil, we realized he'd be out of town over the days that would be ideal for the IUI. So I had to call my nurses back and cancel everything... and I broke.
Literally broke down. I hurt so bad, cried so hard, that I stressed myself into a migraine so bad I was vomiting and extremely sensitive to light and sound. I spent 3 full days laid up in bed with the shades drawn. And I've spent almost every day since then crying.
In two more months, Gil and I will have been trying to conceive for 5 years. FIVE years! We finally got the opportunity to meet with an REI in August and finally have someone tell us that we should have no problems getting pregnant with the aid of IUI(s), so we jump on board and begin the process... twice... only to have to cancel twice.
I'm feeling very hopeless right now. I feel like we've come to the end of the treatment options we had decided upon, which means the very possible end of having a chance to conceive. I've lost the ability to pray; I just don't know how anymore. I can't even form the words... which is flowing over into every aspect of my life and is why I haven't felt like blogging.
But I'm trying. I was blessed by someone in my support group and just received 3 more books on dealing with infertility. I'm thinking of taking a supplement to help with serotonin (depression) issues which, if you know me, is a huge step in admitting and submitting to anything! I have to contact my doctor to check interactions with my prescriptions.
And best of all, I have the most wonderful husband on the face of the earth. I may not be able to pray right now but I'm still able to feel God's love despite that... through Gil. I have many other blessings and believe me, I don't take a single one of them for granted. But Gil, man oh man! God must really love me to have blessed me with him. Not to belittle the prayers and friendship many of you offer (for which I'm truly and eternally grateful) but it's truly my husband that is getting me through right now. And if I can still feel God's hand in that, there's still hope.
