Monday's Musings

I'm thankful for... renewed hope in the midst of despair.

Outside my window... snowflakes that barely deserve the name. I'm wishing for a deep and burying snowfall and we haven't yet received one this winter.

I am going... to try drinking more than a gallon of water every day. I hate drinking water because I hate going to the bathroom every half-hour to hour of the day.

I am reading... Adopting the Hurt Child in preparation of hopefully adopting an older child (or children) from the foster care system... someday.

I am hoping... to be able to sense and follow God's nudges down this journey where I often don't hear Him anymore.

I am hearing... the sounds of a movie that I'm watching to keep me company in Gil's absence.

One of my favorite things... puppies who curl up and tuck their noses underneath their tails.

Here is a picture I'm sharing... a ferris wheel from when we went to the fair a year and a half ago with some of our closest friends. I love ferris wheels and the child-like wonder they bring back.

Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... family and friends who love and support us.

Outside my window... is a beautiful sunny, autumn day with snow-capped mountains, leaf-less tress, and crisp, clean air.

I am going... to try and take a nap before Gil gets home. I have been fighting extreme fatigue and muscle aches for the past week or so and I. am. tired.

I am reading... Wa.ter from the Ro.ck: Finding God's Com.fort in the Midst of Infe.rtility. I need all the help I can get!

I am hoping... that I don't have to do any last minute CEU's to meet my quota for re-certification in 3 weeks!

I am hearing... the ticking and cuckoo'ing of our massive German cuckoo clock that we finally hung this past weekend.

One of my favorite things... is snuggling with my hubby on the couch in front of our new fireplace and a movie.

Here is a picture I am sharing... I *heart* aspen groves. I took this on one of our trips to the Boul.der River.

Invisible Illness Awareness Week

There are people in my life who suffer from chronic illnesses such as fibromyalgia, diabetes, chronic back pain, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc... illnesses that are painful and debilitating but have no outward physical signs, thereby "invisible". They don't have wheelchairs to outwardly justify to others that it's okay to park in a handicapped spot. They suffer mainly in silence, as it is generally taboo to speak of an illness with no obvious outward signs. Most of these illnesses have no hope of a "cure" and though symptoms may be treated, the disease will never go away. This week is a week set aside to bring awareness to Invisible Illnesses such as these.

Jenni Sa.ake suffers from many chronic illnesses and last year wrote about another invisible one that a lot of people overlook... infertility. I really encourage you to click on this link to read her blog post.

Jenni authored the book "Hann.ah's Hope", a book that put into words everything I did and continue to feel about being infertile and barren. It made my feelings feel justified rather than crazy and unfounded. I "accidentally" discovered the book while looking through the bargain bin at a Christian bookstore. God brought the book to me as I was finishing the 4th (and what I thought then to be the final round) of Clo.mid and was spiraling into a depression with thoughts of never getting pregnant, never becoming a parent, never seeing my husband's gorgeous blue eyes in our son's face. I encourage anyone who wants to know how to support someone they know and love who suffers from infertility to seek out and read her book, "Hann.ah's Hope".

I also encourage you to visit the Invisible Illness Week website for more information about chronic invisible illnesses.

My Bookshelf

Monday’s Meme

My Bookshelf

Today’s meme is taking five books from my bookshelf and using a sentence from each to create a new paragraph. The books I’ve chosen are two that I’m currently reading, one I’ve read, and two that are next on my “to read” list.

Take five books off your bookshelf.
Okay... here's what I've chosen:






Book #1 -- first sentence
- from The Fie.ry Cross by Dia.na Gab.aldon… “I woke to the patter of rain on canvas, with the feel of my first husband’s kiss on my lips.

Book #2 -- last sentence on page fifty
- from The Pro.mise by Fr. Jona.than Mor.ris… “We could have, in one simple move, overturned Adam and Eve’s rejection of God.

Book #3 -- second sentence on page one hundred
- from The Last Lec.ture by Ran.dy Pau.sch… “And he responds: ‘I already did that.’”

Book #4 -- next to the last sentence on page one hundred fifty
- from The Sha.ck by Wm. Pau.l Yo.ung… “They were not totally dry by this time, but not too uncomfortable.”

Book #5 -- final sentence of the book
- from Mom.ents for Couples Who Long for Chi.ldren by Gin.ger Gar.rett… “You can trust Him as your Savior… and you can trust Him with your longing for a child.”

Make the five sentences into a paragraph:
I woke to the patter of rain on canvas, with the feel of my first husband’s kiss on my lips. We could have, in one simple move, overturned Adam and Eve’s rejection of God. They were not totally dry by this time, but not too uncomfortable. And he responds, “I already did that.” You can trust Him as your Savior… and you can trust Him with your longing for a child.

It’s not terribly enlightening for me. I don’t know if I should’ve created additional sentences to make the given ones flow better together or if I was just supposed to use the five given. I’m not very creative so I’ll leave it as is. All together, they don’t sound that great, but I do highly recommend each book I used for this.

I haven’t read The Sha. ck yet. My folks just gave it to me (to borrow – yes, mom, I know I have to give it back!) just this weekend. My dad doesn't highly exclaim a lot of things but even he has said he's going to RE-read this book... as in read it again. Over dinner Friday night, one of my home parish's nuns was even exclaiming about this book, even though she joked about possibly being "blasphemous" by doing so! :) Sister J can be so funny.

I also haven't read The Last Lec.ture by Ran.dy Pau.sch. My brother gifted me with the book for Christmas and I treasure it even though I haven't opened it yet. I have heard about it and have watched this video (which I recommend you clicking and watching, too) from when he reprised his "Last Lec.ture" on Op.rah.

Currently, I am reading The Fi.ery Cro.ss, my "fiction, pleasure reading book"... and The Prom.ise, which has the subtitle "God's Purpose and Plan for When Life Hurts". In short, it's about suffering and why God allows us to suffer. I'm about two-thirds of the way through and am eager to read the final chapters for advice on the HOW to suffer more easily... hmm, is that an oxymoron? Is easy suffering possible? How about "graceful suffering"? Yeah... that's what I want to achieve. Suffering with grace.

First Day of Advent

I can't believe November is over already. I can't believe this holiday weekend is over already. My parents are packing as I write this. We're going to have breakfast and then they'll take off to go home. We had a good weekend, though.

Thanksgiving dinner was nice, quiet, and extremely filling. I made a yummy dinner... well, mom and I made a yummy dinner; can't keep that woman out of the kitchen but I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy being in the kitchen working with her, just the two of us. And working in the kitchen for a big feast such as we made was oh-so-nice in the new kitchen! I can't believe how much just changing the location of one appliance can make it so much easier! Gil's family came over and we had a good time eating and visiting.

Mom came down sick Thanksgiving night so we decided to give up our early bird Bla.ck Friday shopping. Poor thing was laid up with a blanket and taking drugs all day Friday. Gil and I went out about 10:00 that morning and still hit some good sales. I have over half my shopping done for Christmas so it was successful.

I also got myself a book that I was waiting for, just released in print on Friday... the third in the Sign of Seven trilogy by No.ra Robe.rts. I won't let myself read it just yet, though... I have to study for an exam... a 5 hour credentialing exam that's only 2 weeks away! Yikes. I've barely opened my study guide so I need to buckle down. I guess it's so hard they offer one free re-take in the application cost.

We did just a few things on Saturday. Mom and I got in a couple hours of shopping; she wanted to see a new store that just opened up here 2 months ago. Gil's uncle wanted to make dinner for everyone so we had an early supper of lasagna. Then we all went to Mass, which is the true start to Advent. We came home and I put out the decorations and dressed up the Christmas tree. Dad says I have a lot of stuff but putting everything out just makes me think of all the things I still wish to get to spruce up the living room even more. I also want to start taking Christmas into other rooms of the house, like the bathroom. It's nice having everything up, though... I had bought some new things last year but forgot about them because we didn't decorate due to the kitchen remodel. The best thing I discovered from last year's purchases is my new stable, um, "creche" for my Holy Family. It's gorgeous!

So Happy Advent! We now await the arrival of our King!

Half of 20 Things

I've mentioned recently that I'm reading "20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew," by Sherrie Eldridge.  This morning, I read the 8th, 9th and 10th things.  The 10th is: "I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity."  

A quote at the end of the chapter is attributed to Drs. Thomas Malone and Patrick Malone in their book, "The Art of Intimacy."  

"I love you" means something very special and very concrete.  It means that I surround you with the feeling that allows you - perhaps even requires you - to be everything you really are as a human being at that moment.  When my love is fullest, you are most fully you.  You may be good, or bad, or both; tender or angry, or both; but you are you, which is the very most I could ever ask or expect.  And so I experience you in all your beauty and all your ugliness.  But you, not what I expect, or want, or what you feel you should be, or were fashioned to be, but really you.

Sounds intense, huh?  Not so much.  I'm reading this book, thinking I'm going to gain some great insight to be able to be the best adoptive parent I can be for our children but I haven't really learned anything yet.  To me, it seems like common sense.  But then maybe I've been blessed by wonderful parents who naturally parented me in the ways that I'm reading about.

It seems so profound that we need to love our adopted children in their entirety, for who they are completely, good and bad, angry and tender.  Then I started thinking about it (not for too terribly long!) and realized that all true love is exactly this.  This is the way I love my parents and the way they love me. This is the love that I share with my closest friends and, hopefully, they with me.  This is the exact kind of love that I waited so long to be able to share with Gil and I am so blessed to be loved so completely by another human the way he loves me.

Most importantly, this is the way my God loves me... and I'm discovering it's also the way I love Him.  I love Him for showing His love to me by the blessings I have in my life.  I love Him despite how I feel He has abandoned me (He hasn't) in our struggle with infertility.  I get angry, I throw my tantrums, I don't always tell Him I love Him, but He's always there, waiting to throw His arms around me when I run to Him crying, or laughing.  

I have so much of this unconditional love in my life; it seems like a "given".  I wonder why it has to be put into a book telling me this is how to love my children.  Like, DUH!  I realized this has been the greatest blessing of all in my life; that I have been the recipient of this kind of love since the day I was conceived until this exact moment as I write about it.  I have also been blessed to be a giver of this kind of love.  Yes, it is a blessing to give... you are a blessing to me and I am blessed to love you. 

As much as it has been a blessing in my life, I also understand that not everyone chooses to accept certain life blessings and children suffer because of it.  These babies in the foster care system don't know this kind of love.   That's where Gil and I come in... I can barely wait to give our children all that we've been given by you.  

Thank you.

Adoption Update & Infertility Acceptance

I had made a call to Child & Family Services prior to leaving on vacation and heard back from them while we were away. The update is that there is no update. All our paperwork is in, our references are in, they're just waiting on the results from our fingerprint checks. I also asked about the workshops that we'll have to go through because when I was doing my initial investigations, I was told that even though they didn't have the next one currently scheduled, she thought it would happen in late July or August. Now that's been moved back to maybe September. So we're just playing the waiting game. I hate twiddling my thumbs but I'll be able to get in some more reading before then. I'm currently reading Adopting After Infertility which is somewhat of a boring read and not really telling me anything new, but it does validate that Gil and I have and are working through all the processes that we should. I have three more books on the coffee table waiting for me: 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, The Primal Wound, and Adopting the Hurt Child.

I also receive a subscription to Stepping Stones, a resource for those suffering IF. It's only published once every two months which is not near enough for me as I love reading it. The most recent edition had this scripture in it... and though it's a scripture I've heard and read my entire life, I bawled and bawled when I read it here.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in
weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I
delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in
difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Cor 12:9-10 NIV

I wish I could say that I delight in this struggle but I don't. I struggle really hard with accepting this cross that I (and we) have been given to carry. I wish I could see the goodness in it, the way that God is working in me through it. I don't. I see little glimpses sometimes but I don't fully understand the blessings that will come of this pain, of this "abnormality" of infertility and barrenness, of having a broken body that doesn't work. Yes, I am thankful and grateful for the blessings I do have... I recognize them and praise God for them continually... but the joy I have in the blessings I have been gifted with is completely separate from the pain I feel at the loss of what I feel should be automatically and inherently given as a part of life. I know I'm not alone in these struggles and that many who suffer chronic illnesses or injuries have these same heartaches, but I've been feeling really alone in my pain lately. I think I mentioned that in my last post. It's been a rough week with coming to the realization that we cannot financially proceed with medical diagnosis and treatment for my body, even just to get it working properly, not necessarily to become pregnant. I'm ecstatic about being on the road to adoption and can barely contain myself with thinking what our child(ren) will look like, what their little personality(ies) will be, etc. But the pain of IF is coming through strong again this week and I ask for your continued prayers. Pray for me to be able to get to the point where I can delight in my weakness so that I may be strong in God's grace and power and live my life according to His will. His will, not mine.

Oh, to be of Celtic origin...

This past Saturday, we had our annual meeting with the Patriot Guard Riders. We met for registration and then went on a couple of short rides from town and then took a plaque of honor to a widow whose husband (a WWII purple heart veteran) recently passed away. Then we had our meeting and social time. One of the couples we were talking to were a man who had served in Germany and his wife who is from there; it was familiar for Gil to hear the German accent. I noticed a pin on the man's vest; it looked like bagpipes so I asked him if he piped. He said, "Yeah, that's what the license plate on my bike stands for." The plate says "piper". Being on a motorcycle, I had assumed it was for motorcycle pipes... y'know... loud pipes save lives and that whole business. Nope. It was Scottish bagpiping! Go figure. I said something about how cool it was that he piped and he said his wife was a drummer. I then asked if they were going to be performing at the Highland Games this coming weekend. I've been planning to go for a couple of weeks now but it'll be fun to watch someone we know.

Our city is hosting its first ever Highland Games this weekend and I'm so excited to go. I've never been to the ones held closer to my hometown but I have been to a huge Celtic Festival when I lived in Connecticut. I know that I haven't been raised in many of the traditions of any of my heritages, but I have always been drawn to them... so naturally, I am always interested in anything Celtic, whether Irish or Scottish.

Speaking of Scottish things, I'm taking a few minutes before falling asleep each night to do some pleasure reading. By that, I mean fiction. Most of my current reading is either work or adoption related. Anyway, I'm reading The Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon. I'm currently on the third book (of six), titled "Voyager". These books are "historical fantasy" set in 18th century Scotland and I don't recommend them for the faint of heart or easily disturbed. There are vivid descriptions of evil and sinful sexual perversions and atrocities, as well as descriptions of the wars and rigors of daily life 200 years ago, but they are so few and far between, it's easy to forget about it. The adventurous love story of the two main characters make it easy for me to become lost in a time warp when I'm reading.

This post is mostly odd ramblings because nothing much is really going on. I'm so busy at work right now, with our fiscal year end being June 30th. I have been able to get some things off my desk this week but I still have 4 of those 10 audits remaining, more research projects assigned, and a new physician to educate starting July 3rd. It's definitely never-ending but I guess that's job security. I'm actually sitting on the couch right now after working an hour and a half late tonight (which makes a normal 10-hour work day 12 hours) and rushing home to make dinner for a hungry husband. I should be cleaning the house as we have friends coming over for dinner tomorrow but I just don't have the energy to get up and move around. Karma has decided that the 3 months we spent working on getting her to sleep later (until 5:30!) wasn't worth it and has gone back to waking up at 4:00! Yikes. I hope you all have been enjoying some nice weather after the long rainy, spring season we had. I tell ya, it's sure been fun being able to ride the Harley to work every day!