Final Briefings

We were supposed to have finalized the adoption of our kidlets by now. When we said "Yes!" to bringing our children home, parental rights had already been terminated, I.cW.A laws had been more than adhered to, biological family and placements within the enrolled tribe had already been searched for and found to be lacking... We were not supposed to have anything stand in our way to adopt our children. We did not bring them home in a foster placement, we brought them home with the specific intent to adopt. There weren't supposed to be any glitches.

During the family selection meetings, the kids' tribe approved us as their final adoptive placement, as an I.cW.A adoptive placement. Now they're trying to back out of that, saying the tribal affiliations my family and I have aren't good or strong enough. The kids have a biological aunt (a full-blood sister to their birth-father) who is coming forward saying she now wants these children "back home with their family" and doesn't want them to be "raised by strangers". I don't believe our children ever lived with or knew much of their birth-father's family as they lived with and around their birth-mother's home and tribe (a different tribe than the father). This particular bio-aunt came forward twice in the first year and a half our kids were in foster care, saying she would be willing to take one, only one, of them. She was told what to do to be become licensed to foster/adopt and never followed through... twice. After the second time, she came back and said no, she'd gotten pregnant and now felt she could care for even one of them. (She has five sons, including the now-born infant, in her three-bedroom home). A month after we brought them home, she contacted the social worker again and stated she now thought she could take just one of them again but was told they were all placed into an adoptive home that would keep them together. Four months later, she came forward saying she now wanted all of three of them. Then nothing. She did nothing to follow through with it. The tribe did nothing to follow through with it.

The day we got our paperwork back from the state and set a court date to finalize our adoption, we heard we had to now cancel everything because they came forward yet again and we now have to proceed to another court hearing. I tell ya, the system sucks.

On December 14th, we had that court hearing. The tribe and the bio-aunt showed up, my family came to support us, and the kids had their lawyer as well as the state attorney. I was put on the stand to testify. I know my parenting skills aren't being called into question, I know it's just an aunt who feels she has some right to these children, I know I'm not dark-skinned enough in their eyes to be culturally considered as an "Indian", but it was still one of the very worst moments of my life having to be on that stand talking about how I've raised and how I would raise my children. My kids never even knew they were Native until we brought them home, they'd never been to a powwow... their foster family was "whiter" than I could dream of being and this bio-aunt was fine with the idea of them adopting our kids. But because they're now with us... ???

Then she got up the stand. And made me "feel" for her. I'm not in this to attack the bio-family. It was never our intention to keep knowledge of them from our children. We had already talked about setting up a visit with this aunt and it just hadn't happened yet. The thing is, she only saw them twice in the whole two and a half years they've been removed... and they were for family meetings with the state about the placement options for our kids she was invited to and paid to attend. She never tried visiting them otherwise. And what about their birth-mother's family? We already have open communications with them because of all the siblings our kids have, and we have a very open relationship with the one sister who lived with our kids and was removed from parental care with them. She's only been placed separately because she's under a different tribal jurisdiction. Would this bio-aunt continue all those family relations? No, I think not. She didn't have anything to say about that.

Anyway, this court hearing was neither good nor totally bad. The judge very obviously wanted to rule for our children to continue with us as their permanent adoptive placement but the tribal lawyer had gotten up there and spewed a bunch of crap about one single case influenced by some BI.a laws... not even I.cW.A laws, just BI.a "influences"... so the judge wanted to research them and give the lawyers time to present their fully prepared briefs. Today's the day they're due. The tribal attorney, the state attorney, the attorney representing our children, plus the CA.SA worker's recommendation are all due to the judge. He will then prepare his final ruling from the hearing hopefully by next week at the latest.

What could happen? The judge could rule that all is as it stands, they have nothing more to go on, and we can proceed with finalizing the adoption. OR, he could say this BI.a influence is big enough to abide by and the bio-aunt would then get the chance to try and become licensed as an adoptive placement by the state. She's already licensed by her tribe, but the state has different and more strict regulations. From everything we know, she shouldn't be able to get licensed. But... there's always that chance. If she gets licensed, we would lose our children. If she doesn't get licensed, we don't know what would happen. Would that then open it up for another search of family and tribal members, even though that was thoroughly exhausted more than a year ago?

What gets me is the tribe already approved us. They approved us as an I.cW.A placement and are now saying we're not. How can they do that?

And it's not about us. The thing that slays me the most is they could care less about our kids. This aunt was directly asked when she was on the stand whether she wanted the kids for her own self or for the best interest of the kids. She couldn't answer. She was asked three times in a row and couldn't answer. All she could say was, "I need my kids back in the family. They shouldn't be raised by strangers."

Lady, to our kids, you are the stranger, not us.

So, today's the day. Final briefings are due. We've already waited two weeks since the hearing. Hopefully, the waiting won't be much longer until we know the final outcome of the rest of our lives.

Merry Christmas!

The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today, in the city of David, a Savior has been born for you Who is Messiah and Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger."
(Luke 2: 10-12)

Great little One!
Whose all-embracing birth
Lifts Earth to Heaven,
Stoops Heaven to Earth.
(Richard Crashaw)

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
(Charles Dickens)

Wishing you a very merry and most blessed Christmas.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Today is Gil's birthday. I love these pictures taken when we were little kids... so much orange and pattern!


I love you, Babe. You are simply the best. I am so grateful to be able to celebrate your life on this day and how special that life is to all who know you. Happy Birthday.

Goodbye, Old Friend

Thanksgiving weekend, our oldest dog, Arrow, fell ill. He wouldn't move much, he stopped eating, we thought it was the end. But he was still alert. We didn't know if it was just hip arthritis setting in (he's almost 13) or what. By the next day, he would at least eat some duck and lamb treats we have. By day 3, he started eating his kibble again and by day 5 had resumed all normal habits. So we thought maybe it was just a bug.

Until today. He woke up this morning the same way he did that Saturday almost 2 full weeks ago. We called the vet and couldn't get in until late afternoon. When it came time to leave, Arrow would just not get up. We literally just lifted the blanket we put him on and carried him to the Subu.rban and had to carry him into the vet's the same way.

We didn't carry him back out.

The vet thought with much certainty he had a tumor either on his heart or in the heart's lining. His heart rate was way too high and his blood pressure was way too low. He had all the other classic symptoms. We could've opted for all the diagnostics under the sun to confirm it and then decide whether or not to do surgery that would maybe only extend his life for another year.

We opted not to do any of it. We could see the pain he was in... and has been in lately. Risking surgery with a heart condition for the possibility of a few more months just wasn't worth it to us. We sat there on the floor with him until his soul went to play (pain-free) with Sassy, Devil and Hiawatha.

Death is not easy, whether it be human or pet. We bawled like babies. Arrow's been my "ornery step-child" since he was 5 and he's the last of Gil's dogs from his life prior to me.

We love you, Bubbers. Now go and let Uncle M scratch your ears.

A Blessed Thanksgiving

I am blessed. I am thankful. I am grateful to a God Who has given me everything I need and so much of what I want.

I am blessed.

I am thankful.

I am grateful to have a husband who loves me more than any other human could love another. He loves me when I feel unlovable and he loves me when I act unlovable.

I am grateful to have three beautiful children who bless my every day with their inquisitiveness and hearts overflowing with love. I am grateful to finally hear the word "Mommy" and have it mean ME!

I am grateful to have parents who have always been there for me and will always be there for me and who have taught me what true, unconditional love is all about.

I am grateful for a brother who makes me laugh, who supports me and is there for me and mine in times of need and even in times we don't need (which are way better times, anyway!).

I am grateful for in-laws who love and accept me as one of their own.

I am grateful for a house that has become a home.

I am grateful for all the food I am able to make today (even though I wasn't planning on making anything).

I am grateful for all the men and women who sign up to sacrifice their lives to protect mine. Without them, I wouldn't have much of what I've listed above. I'm honored to be able to say my husband and my father are among them.

I am blessed.

I am thankful.

I am grateful.

And I never forget to pray for those who don't have a fraction of what I do. I ask you to take a moment to lift them in prayer right now, too.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What makes a child yours?

In continuing to honor National Adoption Month (November), I would like to share the following account of what defines a "real" child. Does giving birth to a child make them more real than having them delivered to your home in the middle of the night? Is that what creates that parent-child bond?

This is the most straight-forward and powerful definition of adoption I have ever heard. I was led to this blog by a very dear friend of mine (who has no personal experience with either infertility or adoption, by the way, but has also been one of the most sympathetic supports I have).

Here's an excerpt of the definition:

Switched at birth stories rarely happen anywhere outside of Salem or in hospitals other than General, but what if they did? What if your child was not connected to you by blood? Would it matter? Would you trade that child for your “own”?

I doubt many would. You may want to meet the other child. But in your heart? that child is a stranger. You don’t know what they like to eat, or how hard they press the issue of bedtime. You can hardly contemplate the thought of switching back.

Adoption is merely a form of delivery if you will. Some of our children joined our family by coming out of my body, others joined by coming out of a car, but I remember when each of them were handed to me for the first time. The first time I looked upon their amazing faces. And some even came with names which cut out that whole month of debate with hubby over which names were stupid and which weren’t.

So, the question remains, what makes a child yours?

I really encourage you to read the entire post. She does a great visual for those who may feel they wouldn't connect with a child they didn't give birth to.

A "Know"ing Rant

** Disclaimer: This rant is not aimed at anyone in particular or due to anyone's specific comment to me. It is a collection of thoughts I've had since our journey began almost five years ago, and another five years prior to that, if you count the PCOS issues. Please, if you think I'm writing out my very raw feelings here in response to something you've said to me, please know that's not true. This blog is a place for me to put my feelings and I love and cherish the support you give me - through constructive criticism or pure empathy, whether you've lived a portion of it yourselves or not - I love it all and I love you. This rant is personal and not due to anything anyone has said. **

Begin rant...

I know there are people out there - wonderful people, far better people than little ol' me - fostering and parenting and jumping through more hoops than I'll ever see to make their family "legal" in the eyes of the government. I know that. But does knowing that and, better yet, empathizing with that, make my journey any less painful for me?

I love the support I receive from the friends and family who give it... I cherish it and thank God for all He's given me in the people in my life. I also thank God and am humbled every day for the children He's entrusted me to care for and raise with the best of my ability to know and love Him and to be good stewards here on this earth. I thank Him for the most wonderful husband a girl could ever ask for. I thank Him for parents who gave me a happy, carefree childhood and who stood together through the test of time to show me what marriage and parenting really is. I even thank Him for my infertility... okay, maybe I've only thanked Him a couple of times for that one; more often than not, I still shake my fist at Him over that one.

I know what a good life He's blessed me with. I know I could always have it worse. When I'm really hating on my PCOS and infertility, I start my little mantra: It could always be worse. I could have cancer. I could have a disease that doesn't allow me to move, or see, or hear, doesn't allow me to experience the gloriousness of this world. I could have been victim to horrible abuses. I could have never "found" a husband, a godly man who loves me more than life. I could have, I could have, I could have...

I know it could be worse. And I knew what we could have been up against in our adoption journey. The very reason we didn't go into fostering with the intent to foster and see if it could lead to adoption is because of all the CPS and government regulated bullcrap that foster parents have to deal with. Children's best interest? BullCRAP! I grew up experiencing first-hand foster, and more specifically, ICWA bureaucracy...on an Indian reservation, for crying out loud. I knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle that. I know I'm weak. I know I play the "why me, Lord" card all too often when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

KNOWing all those things doesn't make our journey any easier for us to deal with. It's OUR journey, and knowing it could be worse like so many others, doesn't make our hearts ache any less. It does make us step back and thank God once again for not having it any more difficult than we do, and for giving us the resources to be able to deal with it all (emotionally and physically). But our hearts still ache.

Still Waiting

I'm going to post a complete update on information we've been withholding from everyone excluding a select few. It's just getting so old now and I'm tired of answering questions so I'm just going to lay it all out on the line.

These past 2 1/2 months have been wrought with many feelings, highs and lows. We celebrated 6 months with the kids on my birthday, which was just about the only happy thing I felt that day. Six months meant we were finished with the initial required waiting period and we could then go on to finalize the adoption. Our workers took a couple of weeks before they got all the paperwork together to send in to the state and, because the kids' worker had an "in" at the state, I guess they were rushed through a bit faster than normal.

In late September, we went to a Permanency Hearing for the kids, which was just a necessary step to complete in the foster/adopt journey, more paperwork if you will. The judge looked happy to see us, though we didn't say a word, and smiled at us numerous times while looking through the photo album we had made of the kids' first 6 months with us.

This was a good step, too, because in late July, we had received notice from the kids' worker there was a bio-aunt who came forward and wanted to take the kids. Their tribe was threatening to petition for jurisdiction over the kids. And then... nothing. No follow-through. No communication. Nothing.

Then, lo and behold, we got our adoption paperwork back from the state October 13th. On October 15th, we bundled the kids up and rushed into town to do some notary work and then I rushed to the courthouse to file our petition for an adoption hearing! Yay! We should be a LEGAL family of five by early November! Woohoo!

After I filed my petition and paperwork and paid our fees, I got home to an email and phone call saying to halt everything. The tribe's ICWA specialist called after a 3-month hiatus stating the bio-aunt still wanted the kids. I broke. After the initial news in July, I broke down but only for the rest of the day. It had been during the same week as Uncle M's death and funeral and emotions were already running at maximum so I felt more tears were warranted. I recovered and dealt with it fine after that, though. But this time... after we'd made it through all those extra hoops, I really broke.

I finally confided in a few friends about our situation because there was obviously something wrong with me and I wasn't holding it together very well. You know what I heard? Not from everyone but from just a few? Yep... those same ol' cliches... "What's meant to be will be." "God won't give us more than we can handle." "You knew there might have been this risk." "All the bumps in the road will be worth it in the end."

"Excuse me?" I wanted to shout!! "Are you at risk of losing all your children?! NO? Then shut up!" But did I do that? No, because I think I tend to be a very nice people-pleasing person so I just nodded and smiled a little, said thanks for keeping us in your prayers. And honestly, we all view life's situations from different perspectives and I've really been trying to keep that in mind. But I'll be honest in saying that 5 years of journeying through infertility and now through this mess has really made the very open book type person I was start to clam up something fierce. The word "fine" has entered my daily vocabulary. Anyway...

We were told the state attorney was going to file for a status hearing and present the latest information to the judge so we could proceed with the adoption without looking like we were hiding information. Okay, that makes sense. Then...

Apparently the tribe's attorney hadn't been privy to any of the information and only knew there was a bio-relative who wanted the kids and they thought that would be in the best interest of the kids. The tribe's ICWA specialist hadn't shared any info with the tribal attorney about the bio-aunt coming forward FOUR different times in the more than 2 years since the kids were removed from their birthparents... and never following through with the necessary steps to actually show she was serious about taking them. The ICWA specialist didn't even remember approving us an ICWA placement due to my tribal heritage and hadn't given any of the communications to the bio-aunt that we sent with that specific purpose. The tribal attorney had been lacking information and they were then presented with all of it with an invitation to appear at the status hearing (which we still hadn't received a date for yet) to state their desire to petition for jurisdiction or, since having received the complete history, not petition at all, which is what we were hoping for.

Ten days after the tribal attorney received all the information and we still hadn't received any notice about anything, I called the kids' worker again and she told me the state attorney had, in fact, NOT filed for a status hearing as she decided to wait and see what the tribal attorney would do. We weren't aware of that; neither was our kids' worker. Now that the tribal attorney has had time to make decisions or movement of any kind and hadn't done anything, the state attorney apparently decided they were just going to move forward with actually requesting a status hearing... I waited all last week for a date. Come today and we find out the state attorney had done NOTHING they said they were going to do and is supposedly going to file for it this week.

Who the heck knows? I've now been given the regional administrator's name and number and I phoned him this afternoon. We'll see if he can light a fire under the attorney's butt. Seriously, how hard can it be to file for a status hearing? (And yes, after saying that, I realize I don't work in the judicial system and I thank God for that... I'd go more insane than I do working in healthcare! I also thank God for all the work this attorney IS doing for us.)

So it's 9 months later and 3 months past where we needed to be to finalize everything and we're not any closer to being legal than we were before we brought them home. There is still a chance it can happen before the end of the year... I'm now hoping in time for Christmas when it should've been before Halloween.

Our legal systems (both federal and tribal) are definitely not set up with the kids' best interests at heart... which we knew beforehand... but now that we're living it, we're even more livid at the injustice of it all. As it's National Adoption Month and everyone's making pleas on the plight of children, please remember all the kids out there waiting still who haven't even been placed, much less adopted. Adoption isn't for everyone, I do know that, but it's something everyone should support in one way or another. Every child deserves a family who will love them unconditionally and give them a safe place to grow up.

UPDATE: I wrote this Monday night (11/15) after the news that the attorney had still not filed for the status hearing. I just got an email that she finally filed. Now we just wait for the date. And then, hopefully soon, we can file our own motion for the adoption hearing! And yes, I know how everyone's plates are full and we're not the only situation our state attorney has to deal with. I'm really trying to remember that. The thing that made us mad is that we were continually told she was going to be moving forward when she did nothing of the kind... until yesterday.

7 Years

Seven years ago, I went out on my very first date with Gil. We went to the Te.xas Roa.dhouse. I had a chicken critter salad and he had steak kabobs... nothing that should have warranted a three-hour dinner! We just couldn't stop talking with each other so we continued the talking for an additional three hours afterward.

That first year of dating brought many happy moments, followed by some very drastic not-so-happy moments. Three days after our first date anniversary, he asked for a second chance. I have to say how very thankful I am that I so totally believe in second chances. It's been nothing but heaven ever since.

Here's a picture taken 3 weeks after we started dating, our first picture taken as a "couple".


Seven years... and no signs of an itch!!

National Adoption Month 2010

November is National Adoption Month and, as you should know by now, adoption is near and dear to my heart. Our adoption isn't yet final, due to some unforeseen circumstances, which is common when adopting from foster care. Knowing that, however, doesn't make it any easier. I'm writing an update to be posted by the end of this week on what's been going on with our adoption journey over the past two months.

In the meantime, I have some things I want to share in honor of National Adoption Month. First is this post by a fellow blogger and someone I'm honored to call a friend, though we've never met outside of cyberspace. She has two sons she adopted through foster care (with her husband) and is going through the process again to add another son or daughter (or two!) to her family. She writes about questions that all of us adoptive parents are faced with at one point or another and I just think it's good information and education to have out there. So please, go read her post.

I love the Ad Council's PSA's, "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent." My all-time favorite is this one about the hamster... I still get that giggle down deep in my gut when I watch it!

Cool Riders (as in "brrr")

One Friday in early September, we had a couple of friends who wanted to rent a Har.ley and go for a ride with us, so Gil took the day off and we left after my work shift was over in the morning. M & O are looking to purchase their bike or two and are trying out different models to see which ones they want to make their own. I think O was liking the Fatboy they rode this day until he rode my King home!

We bundled up as it was pretty chilly that day and we were going to be riding over a couple of passes. However, we were lucky enough to stay out of the path of rain (and snow) all day and it was a most fabulous day to ride! We rode through the southwestern part of the state and over roads and through valleys I've never actually been on before. We had a great ride and an even better day of hanging out with our friends. We continued the great fellowship by warming up from the mostly chilly ride with beer and pizza at their house with all six of our kids running crazy around us!

We've never had pictures of ourselves actually riding because I'm usually the one taking pictures and, uh, I haven't been brave enough to snap pictures while riding (very often!).

Me and my (soon-to-be-green) Road King.

Gil and his (slowly customizing) Fatboy.

Halfway to Seventy

Now that I've updated the events of August, a month of just being "present" and doing a bunch of fun things, I can start September, an emotional month with many high and lows and much more serious content.

The month began with my birthday which, for the past 4 years, has increasingly become more difficult. I don't mind aging, in and of itself, but it is still a reminder to me of so many things in our lives. This past year of my life brought about my first cavities and receding gumlines, my first pair of reading glasses, and my doctor's serious recommendation for a baseline mammogram. Yay! Can a person be any more excited to have any of those issues to deal with and then have them all come up the same year?! So... I have to heat my soft-bristle toothbrush with hot water prior to brushing, I have to wear my glasses as I look at a computer all day, and I got the girls squished.

But the real difficulty on my birthday is in realizing yet another year of potential fertility has passed us by. It's been over five and a half years of trying to get pregnant. I'm now in the "high risk" and "advanced maternal age" categories if I do, miraculously, become pregnant. My birthday brings with it another year of loved and cherished moments but also takes away another year of availability to try and achieve what most people take for granted. It's always a very bittersweet day and I was so thankful my husband respects my feelings and keeps things relatively subdued for me. I had a great dinner the night before my actual birthday with my parents and some really good friends... a GREAT dinner! But when I awoke the next morning, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. And I did, for a bit. But then I had to wake up and make breakfast, clean, make lunch, clean, make dinner, clean... all in a day's work!

Bring on the Celts!

Towards the end of August, we went to our local Celtic Festival, where both the Scottish and Irish heritages were honored. I've never been to a fest where both were combined; it's usually one or the other and, beings as I'm both, I was really excited to go.

I was a little scared about how the kids would react to the bagpipes. They're not fans of anything really loud and Miss B kind of freaks out in really noisy, crowded situations. But our youngest, Lugnut, absolutely loved them! Miss B liked the Irish dancing and Bubba liked the kettle corn. I'm not gonna lie... that kid loves his food!

It was extra enjoyable as we spent the weekend with my parents and brother, who came and stayed overnight so we could partake in two days at the festival. My brother was upset he couldn't find a food vendor that sold haggis, as he really wanted to try it. I think he just really wanted to gross the rest of us out! But he and Gil enjoyed the whiskey, at least.

This festival was apparently the first one of its kind here. Gil and I went to the inaugural Hig.hland Games in my last place of residence, too, and though it was good, it was not near as large as this was. It had more and larger pipe bands, but the vendors were much more numerous at this one. Granted, it was both Irish and Scottish, not just Scottish, so that added to it a bit. But I think with some scheduling help, they can have quite the annual festival on their hands! It was so hard to choose what to do because they had the Irish dancing at the same time as the piping competitions which were going on at the same time as some of the Highland games. They didn't have a good program detailing the where and when and down-times were down for everything, so it wasn't possible to see all that we wanted... which was everything! As it was, I got small snippets of everything... just enough to make me frustrated I couldn't see more!

All in all, it was a great weekend and excellent family time. Totally worth it. And I cannot wait until next year's festival!

I call this the "Grand Entry" but I that's what we call it at a powwow... how about the Opening Ceremony?! I love seeing both the Scottish and Irish flags being carried.

There's few things more beautiful to me than respect shown to Old Glory... and a line of pipers wearing kilts!

I like how all the men are standing around watching this gal toss her caber. She did better than a lot of the men I watched.

Even a bit of modern Scots-Rock! Awesome.

And a pic of me... I actually think I look really good in this picture. "Good" is definitely not how I've been feeling about my physical self lately so it must be a testament to how great it is for a Celtic soul to enjoy some traditional time!!

Birthday Girl

We had Miss B's birthday while we were out camping because, well, definitely NOT because of the gorgeous weather that day! It turned out kind of cloudy and cool. And our poor little girl... she's blessed with a birthday right during back-to-school time and we had her party on a weekend when people were still shopping, getting in last-of-the-summer outings, reunions, etc., etc. So she had a pretty small turn-out for her "pony party" but it was good and she had fun. We had Italian sodas and cupcake cones (cupcakes baked in ice cream cones), which were a huge hit with the kids and one of my younger cousins who crashed the party.


Even Mommy liked baking the cupcakes... no cake to slice and serve, and no messy cupcake wrappers to peel and throw away. The whole thing was edible! And no comments on the pink party hat... I love my daughter enough to look silly and wear my most-hated color... which my home now has entirely too much of but thankfully most is confined to Miss B's bedroom!

I think D-man ate about 10 cupcakes!! Growing, basketball-playing college boys and their appetites... and talk about skinny! Dang him and his metabolism all to heck, anyway!

Even my parents' dog got in on the festivities... bless her good-natured heart. Such a good dog.

Miss B got some new clothes, some local university-themed gear from her uncle (who is actually a fan of the rival university!), a brand new play kitchen and a bunch of dishes and food to stock it, a new baby doll (who's dark-skinned, just like her), a Mr. Pot.ato Head and Family, in addition to other little toys. She absolutely loves her kitchen and plays with it every day.

And best of all? She gets to be the same age as her older brother for two months!

Another Mud Rig

As a "sort of" anniversary present to ourselves (like the bike trip wasn't enough!!) as well as having a bit of extra cash to be able to buy what we've been talking about for a few years now, we spent our one day back in town between the bike trip and our camping weekend purchasing a 2-up ATV. Yes, it's yellow and black just like my Jeep... and my Ste.elers! And, of course, my helmet is yellow and black, too, but I feel like a space invader or something with that big ol' guard across the lower half of my face.

We took it out that very first night and totally initiated it! We met up with a friend of ours and her kids on their dirt bikes and rode up in the hills behind our house. I may complain about the inconvenience of living in the country again but I sure do love it for the very reason of being so close to our favorite playground - the forested hills and mountains... not to mention the gorgeous sunrises and sunsets God gifts us with here.

Idaho's Hot Curves

Hot Curves = Long and windy roads in the one week of sweltering temps this summer! Gil and I sent the kids camping with my parents and took a little get-away bike trip to celebrate our anniversary. We packed up the bikes - okay, packed up my bike! - and rode through a good portion of central Idaho to experience a piece of the country I've never seen before. Most of the posted speed limits never went above 55 mph, for which, I have to say, I was very grateful! I think we only had about 10 miles of straight or even somewhat curvy road as we followed twisty rivers for most of our 3 days... it was testing my still-amateur riding skills but it was so totally awesome! And besides... my amateur skills took me over the Bea.rtooth Highway and then to Stu.rgis the very first summer I had my bike!!

The best way to ride... The sign like this on a portion of our trip was for 77 miles and completely surrounded by forest but I didn't turn back to get a picture so this one will have to do:

Here's Gil at one of the overlooks we stopped at:

And at another road-side pull-out, we saw this little thing... an Inuksuk! We first saw Inuksuks (of Inuit origin) on our honeymoon in Canada so it was very fitting we see one on our wedding anniversary! Granted, it was a bit out of its cultural locale but we were excited to see it.

This is another portion of the trip... an old highway where the speed limit is only about 35, but it's so twisty and the switchbacks are so sharp, I was maybe only going 20-25. This is a "retired" highway as a new highway was built that went straight up the mountain (you can see it in the top left of the picture). We had stopped at one of the higher spots on this road and looked over... we both thought of the movie Cars because of the new bypass. We might've taken the longer route but it was by far more interesting.

The hotel we stayed in our 2nd night... we followed rivers for the majority of our 3-day ride, there were about 3 main ones, and this hotel was right on the edge of 1 of them.

We had an absolute blast getting away and spending some time on the bikes. We treasure every moment on 2 wheels now. We knew we were losing a majority of riding season when we moved to a different climate last summer but we lost even more when we brought the kids home this winter. Not that we regret either the move or the kids (!!) but we sure enjoy our bike time all the more now. And we seem to be getting in the habit of making a bike trip during our anniversary time... what better way to celebrate!

August Reunion #2

The third week in August, we had a reunion for my Mom's paternal family. Everyone gathered "en masse" at a campground for the weekend. My grandpa, or "Pop", and all his siblings and their families, plus some extended relatives dating back to my great-great-grandfather's lineage we never really knew about until the past year or two.

I have to say this reunion was much more difficult for me to be at than the one on my Dad's side earlier in the month. This is the family - our branch of it, anyway - that I grew up with having in my everyday life. As I've aged, well, it's always amazing to me how people can forget about the love we've had for others in the past and move on with their own lives and... let's just say, I hate family politics. It also wasn't a very kid-friendly gathering spot, which never would've bugged me prior to this year. But I now have three pre-schoolers who can't be expected to sit still at the top of a rocky hill in the summer heat. Our poor little kids were bored out of their minds so we spent most of our time playing in our campsite or in the lake. I really wish I could've visited at more length with some of the more distant family I never get to see but, overall, we still had a pretty good weekend.

Here's the big group photo of everyone... from an angle that doesn't portray how big the group is but it also doesn't show individual faces, either... there are a lot of children I would never post pictures of (including my own) without permission from their parents. Each branch of the family had their own color t-shirt so families were grouped according to that.

Here's a candid of me (almost caught off-guard) with one of my beloved great-uncles:

And my family's branch color was purple... not a color you will ever catch me wearing. It looked great on my kids and those in our family blessed with the darker Native skin... but for those of us with the predominant Irish coloring... yeah, not so good.

Another loved great-uncle:

My brother and I always seem to end up playing cribbage when we're camping and even though I lost this game (simply because it was my crib and Bro got to count first), it was the best hand I've ever gotten! Only a Jack could've made it better! We were actually all excited over this for quite a bit. Simple things amuse simple people...

One of the family friends brought his boat up and since our little kidlets have never been on a boat, Daddy just had to make sure they got a chance, however brief. Faces blurred, obviously, to protect their identities.

August Reunion #1

August seems to be the month when extended families want to get together and reunite in their shared bloodlines and histories. I got to do this for 2 branches of my family this year – my mom’s paternal side and my dad’s maternal side.

The first one, my dad's side, was just a small gathering as it wasn't the year for an "official" reunion. We've been gathering over the weekend nearest my great-grandma's birthday for a number of years now. This year, she would've been 120 years old. She passed on to heaven when she was the beautiful young age of 94.

Anyway, it was just a small gathering up at my parents' and though you always have the relatives you really wish would just eat and run, there are also always those you wish you could sit and visit forever with. We had a short time there as we chose not to camp over and had quite the drive home before putting the kids to bed. All in all, it was a great day.

This was about a third to half of us:

My dad getting dog-piled by his nephews and grandkids... and lovin' every minute of it!

Daddy and Uncle teaching the boys horseshoes:

My brother teaching some of the family stick-game, a traditional gambling game.

30 Things: Me & PCOS

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and Infertility

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2002… it was early February after a brain MRI scare in late January.

3. But I had symptoms since: the early 1990’s but probably dating back to 1987, though these symptoms are realized in retrospect.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: This is too personal to share; only a handful of people will ever know.

5. Most people assume: I’m just fat because I like to eat.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting out of bed. In addition to the PCOS, I also deal with insomnia and sciatica, chronic low back pain and oftentimes migraines. So it’s physically really difficult just to get out of bed.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: It used to be ER. Last season, I really liked Mercy. And who can forget M*A*S*H?

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: it begins and ends with an “R”.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Insomnia and disruptive sleep.

10. Each day I take 6-10 pills and/or vitamins. (Though I stopped all meds cold turkey when the kids came; I’ll be restarting them all by the end of this month after I visit my doctor Friday.)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am not open to acupuncture or drinking teas that make the taste buds run screaming from my tongue but would consider other options.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible; I don’t like drawing attention to myself.

13. Regarding working and career: Working is really hard when my emotional state is sooo tied up in my disease and all the side effects from it. Exhausting doesn't begin to cover it.

14. People would be surprised to know: Having kids doesn’t change the way infertility continues to make me feel.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I don’t know if I’ve accepted it fully or not but the hardest thing, by far, is the infertility.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Lose weight. Then it came back. But I’ve done it once so I can do it again, right?!

17. The commercials about my illness: What commercials? There are none.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Camping.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: a low-maintenance life.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Charting. I wouldn’t describe it so much as a hobby but I definitely wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t have the disease.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I don’t know that I’ve ever felt “normal” so I don’t know what I’d do different.

22. My illness has taught me: My Faith is stronger than it appears and stronger than I feel.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “Here – If you really want kids, you can have mine!”

24. But I love it when people: Just hug me and not try to offer advice.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: God will never give me more than He knows I can handle. Cliché as it is, it’s true. Also, I continually remind myself things can always be worse and there are so many people in this world who don’t have it near as good as I do.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Don’t wait to take steps until you’re ready – be active against it NOW! It only gets worse with time.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: being able to find someone who loves me through all my insecurities and physical ailments and knowing he loves me regardless of all of it!

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: brought me a cup of coffee and just sat with me and talked about non-related things.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: having one makes you sensitive to just how many people out there suffer and all the different ways we can suffer. I’ve always been pretty compassionate but I’m not nearly as judgmental as I used to be.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: valued.

Invisible Illness

I know I’ve promised to be better about writing but the past two months have proven to be emotionally difficult and draining while at the same time very busy with different events. I will be posting these updates individually every couple of days or so beginning next week… that will hopefully get me back into the rhythm of blogging so I can start writing about heavier subjects and simply just updating on a more regular basis.

But before I get to updating about our activities over the past two months (funerals, family reunions, bike rides, Celtic fests and county fairs), I would like to kick off September’s postings by bringing to light a subject close to my heart: invisible illnesses.

This week – September 13–19, 2010 – is recognized as National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. There are many illnesses people deal with on a daily and chronic basis that you would never know by looking at them. Invisible illnesses are those diseases or syndromes with no outwardly physical manifestation and people often suffer in silence without anyone knowing or recognizing they’re in pain. People with cancer, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, IBS or Chron’s, mental illness and, yes, even infertility. This week is also to recognize the caretakers for those who suffer these diseases as they are often impacted just as harshly.

Today, I’d like to recognize my Mom and others I know who suffer from fibromyalgia. Fibro is a syndrome characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple specifically tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. Some days can be extremely manageable while other days you’re unable to move. Just having dealt with some of the pain I have to, I cannot fathom the amount of pain some fibro sufferers have to endure. Mom, you never fail to amaze me and the way you deal with your fibro is just one of the many reasons.

Tomorrow, I’ll post a meme about my own Invisible Illness.

Earning Their Smiles

Another wonderful article on adoption and, more specifically, adoption from foster care. I "know" both the interviewer and the interviewee from my online support group. I have to say, even though I don't log on to my support group much anymore, I am thankful beyond words I have a place to go to where people understand what I'm going through. Yes, parenting is difficult, parenting children you adopted presents an additional challenge to that, but parenting children adopted from foster care? Talk about a lot of difficulties that few people can truly understand. In the words of my friend, C...

I have no clue what it's like to parent other kids, nor do I wish to know. My son’s smiles are literally earned with blood, sweat and tears. Those smiles are the most precious thing I can imagine. It took three years for one child to fall asleep with me in the room, but he fell asleep on my lap and OH MY GOODNESS, tears of joy were streaming down my face. I love watching them blossom and unfold; they are the most amazing kids I’ve ever met. I’m just . . . well, blown away that God has entrusted their lives to us and we get to see them grow up!

I highly encourage you to click here and read the full interview. Awesome!

Coffee, Anyone?

Spotted on one of our Jeepin' trips earlier this summer. Read the words on the building...


"Would you like a plunger with that Double Skinny White Mocha?"

"No thanks... maybe a Screwdriver, though?"

Only in small town America. I love it!

Kids 'n' Cows

Why do kids gravitate toward cows like mosquitoes to sugar water? I knew I’d have to get used to cows again when we bought a home in the country but I didn’t think about how much they would occupy space in our kids’ brains!

Did I like cows that much when I was little? Because if I did, it had totally worn off by the time I’m old enough to remember! I hated opening gates (until we got all the cattle guards). I hated having cows freak out when I would drive down the lane and run into the road when they hadn’t been anywhere near it, kicking and splattering the fresh crap that was smeared all over their rear-ends. I hated when they wouldn’t run, when they would just stand in the middle of the road and I’d have to nudge them with my car and honk my horn just to get them to twitch an ear.

We had cows when I was growing up. We raised them for our own beef. We even had our own milk cow once. We cut our own hay to feed during winter, we branded, we castrated. I even helped pull a newborn calf once and helped to get it breathing when nature said he should’ve died quite awhile sooner.

I don’t totally loathe cows. I love a good steak and hunk o’ cheese. But I don’t understand the constant fascination with having to look at them and make them the center of every conversation. From the moment the kids wake up until they go to sleep, it’s “Look, Mommy, cows.” “Cows, Mommy!” “I want to see the cows, Mommy!” It’s kind of hard NOT to see cows when they’re standing 30 yards from the living room windows at any given time.

Enough with the cows already! It’s warm enough outside to permeate the air with the scent of fresh fertilizer and I’m not feeling very friendly toward the bovine species right now.

But don't they make for some dang cute pictures?!

3:14 p.m.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY BROTHER!

Here he is when he was so cute and tiny, smelling that wonderful baby smell, and I was able to hold him and rock him and cuddle him and call him George... oops, I never called him George! I think this picture was taken within his first week or two at home when I was just over a month shy of being a four-year-old.


This picture was taken at my wedding a few short years ago... my, how he's grown! But he's still cute and loveable (most of the time!).

I love you, S. And though you say this is just another day to you, it's the day for those of us who love you to celebrate your birth into this earthly world and your physical entrance into our lives.

Earthly Farewell

God our Father,
Your power brings us to birth,
Your providence guides our lives,
and by Your command we return to dust.

Lord, those who die still live in Your presence,
their lives change but do not end.
I pray in hope for my family,
relatives and friends,
and for all the dead known to You alone.

In company with Christ,
Who died and now lives,
may they rejoice in Your kingdom,
where all our tears are wiped away.
Unite us together again in one family,
to sing Your praise forever and ever.

Amen.

Yesterday we celebrated (or acknowledged) the day he was born. This morning, we said goodbye in his earthly death. Gil's uncle, M, was more like a father and older brother to him since his own father was killed in a work accident when he was just a toddler. His mom moved back to her hometown and her parents and brother had a huge hand in raising Gil. It was with much sadness that a short couple of years ago, we unexpectedly had to say goodbye to Gil's grandpa until we are reunited with him in heaven. Now, we say goodbye to his uncle.

After Grandpa's death, M quit his job and moved back to his hometown to take care of his mother. He'd been having some back pain for awhile and just kind of took a break before looking for a new job while he rested from his many years of working so hard. About a year after Grandpa's death, M finally went to the doctor and got the dreaded diagnosis: Cancer. Stage IV. Metastases. Ugly words. He had colon cancer that had already spread to his liver and lungs. Sixteen and a half months later, he succumbed to the inevitable. He's now in heaven where I'm sure he's already playing a round of golf with Grandpa and Jesus.

We love and miss you, M. May you rest in eternal peace.

Waiting Room Encounters

During our first big Jeep ride with the kidlets at the end of May (I love our Wrangler… all 3 carseats/boosters can fit across the back seat!), my husband injured his back from the routine motion of lifting the littlest up and into the back seat. Gil’s disability from the Army is due to issues related to his back and knees so he’s been injured before, which seems to always lend itself toward future injuries. I ended up driving home that day… and when he got progressively worse through the night, I bundled the kids up the next morning, called in to take the day off, and drove my husband to the nearest VA clinic.

I just love working with the VA (not). I really think the health care given to our service members and vets should be much better than it is, but it’s just like any other government-run operation. Slow and with too many hoops to jump through. We should’ve just gone to the ER but we’re of the mindset that unless you can’t breathe or have a severed appendage, you’re wasting the ER’s valuable resources. Anyway, not to get off subject...

We went to the VA. And sat there all day. With 3 little kids. Oh! The unspeakable joy!!

(The above is not an actual picture of our VA waiting room but is pretty darn close.
It's a good thing I'm learning how to be a prepared mom and had crayons, paper, books and even some snacks in my purse!)

Waiting rooms are never fun but in a VA waiting room, we’re often the oddballs… we’re so much younger than many of the older vets who receive their care there. I was left alone in between Gil’s many trips into the exam room (once for a supposed colonoscopy – oops! Wrong patient!) and people always seem to let the conversation flow when I’m alone. First up was a middle-aged woman, looking a little worse for wear…

“Are those your kids?”

Yes.

“Are they triplets?”

No, they’re ages 2, 3 and 4.

“Wow! Don’t you know what causes that?!”

Excuse me?

And then there was a guy, after also asking the above questions…

“2, 3 and 4? Where’s the one year old?”

I think I was caught off guard and probably with my mouth slightly agape.

“Are you working on that?”

Always.

“Oh well, you’re good then!” And he laughs as walks out the door, exclaiming about how cute and well-behaved my children are.

When I’m with Gil, people never assume our children are our biologic children because, honestly, how could two obviously light-skinned people have three dark children? But when I’m by myself, no one ever assumes that they’re NOT biologic. Upon learning they are not triplets or even twins and a single, they always give me the shocked look and exclaim about them being so close together in age and ask me what in the world was I thinking. Like I had a choice. Like I would’ve had a choice even if they were biologic! The miracle of life is in God’s hands, not mine!

And my children are a miracle, no matter how they came into our lives.

I'm baaa-ack!

Happy July!

Yes, I've been extremely remiss in posting on my blog lately. What? Only one post in June? What the heck? Do I have any readers left?!!

I vow to try and be better about updating... as a matter of fact, I currently have three separate posts in the works and even pictures to go with one of them AND at least one more post idea. But until I get them posted, I will leave you with this link to visit a friend's blog about what not to say or ask adoptive moms.

Fake Kids: Real Moms

It's interesting that as we've moved from one aspect of our journey to have children to another, we will still be questioned about our route to parenthood. When we were IF with no kids, we got asked all the time, "When will you have kids?" "Why don't you just do IVF?" "Why don't you just adopt?" "What does that (IVF or adoption) cost?" "Why don't you just accept that God doesn't intend you to be parents and move on?"

Now that we have kids (and are still IF), we have a whole 'nother gamut of questions... "Are those your real kids?" is probably the most popular right now.

They may not be legal yet but, yes, they are my kids and, yes, they are real. 'Nuff said.

For My Daddy

Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you!

Nicknames

Isn't it crazy how nicknames can almost come to be such an integral part of our identity? While growing up and still to this day, my Dad calls me Sis and Mom calls me Suze or Suzy Q-zy. Honestly, if Dad ever called me "Sara", I thought he was mad at me. I had different nicknames growing up based on my initials and what they spelled out that have stuck with me since high school and that's all some of my friends ever call me by. One of my best friends, whom I met as an adult a brief 7 years and forever ago, calls me Chief.

I love my nicknames... and I love how having a nickname can be just one more personal connection you can have with someone.

So I can reference my children by more than just an initial when I write about them online, I am going to use the nicknames Gil and I have been starting to call them.

Henceforth, we now have Bubba, Miss B and Lugnut.

I will say that we've been a bit tossed at calling L Bubba and sticking him with a nickname that may unfortunately last through his teen years. We can't help calling him Bubba, though... maybe it's just too easy to say. We call our dog, Arrow, Bubbers, so who knows... maybe we just like the way it rolls off the tongue. Miss B because, well, she's definitely a preening little girl and a definite "little miss". Lugnut came about because he's the typical baby of the family, a stereotypical youngest birth order clown, a verifiable nut.

And we wouldn't have any of the any other way!

Winds of Change

I'm sensing a change in my blogging... not only in my writing but in my desire to write. I'm so tired and so busy, I hardly find the time or energy to figure out what I want to say. My life is so consumed with my children right now but it's just so much of the same, day after day... Believe me, I'm NOT complaining, I'm just stating that I'm finding it difficult to think coherently. Well, subject matter isn't difficult, it's the depth that would be required to delve into those matters would be so time consuming that I can't afford to spend the time.

I give big thanks to those of you who still read my blog since I've become so unpredictable in my posting. I do plan to keep writing, and as I become more accustomed to the changes in my life, I predict that I can become more regular in my posting as well.