I went to a women's retreat with my mom yesterday; the topic was Baptism. It was a good time for me; I met some new people and saw an old and dear friend I haven't seen in way too long. It was a reflective time of personal contemplation and inner seeking.
I've been having a lot of issues in the past few years with hating my body... it's a broken body that doesn't work and fights against itself. It constantly causes me pain in one area or another. In my mind, it's an ugly body that forces me to restrict my lifestyle and activities in ways I don't like. PCOS has wreaked havoc in my life and Infertility may be the biggest but is only one side effect of this wretched disease.
We were given some scripture passages to ponder... Isaiah 43:1, Isaiah 49:15-16, 1 Corinthians 3:16, Galatians 4:6, and Isaiah 11:2. They were all written down on a sheet of a paper for us so I had them right in front of me. My mind kept wandering to just a few of the phrases so I wrote them out in the sequence my mind kept going to them... a mash-up of the first 3 scriptures I mentioned. It's probably the clearest the Lord has ever spoken to me.
Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. You are not your own. You are Mine. I love you and I will never forget you.
I am His. This broken and ugly body I despise is His. I know we hear since birth we are made in His image and He doesn't make garbage and blah, blah, blah... But all my reading and prayer over the past couple of years keeps coming back to this message... or the aura of this message. He finally got fed up with me and gave it to me straight: "Your body is a temple. You are not your own; You are Mine."
Everything I am is what I'm meant to be. It's time to start accepting it... and loving it as He does.
Take, O take me as I am; Summon out what I shall be; Set Your seal upon my heart And live in me. (John L. Bell, Ostinato Refrain)
My baptism - Me in the center with my parents, godparents, the priest and my dad's sister and her daughter (baptized at the same time)
I cannot believe this is my first post of 2011. Wow. A month and a half since my last post. I wish I could say nothing much has been happening but that's not the truth. I just really haven't felt like writing.
We started a remodeling project the weekend after Thanksgiving (we're building a master suite upstairs and moving the office downstairs) but we haven't even laid tile on the bathroom floor yet. We've been busy working on it every spare chance we get but between my husband traveling for work, just the plain simple busy-ness of parenting, and the other little things that crop up on weekends, we don't get a lot of time to work. What would've taken us a month to complete "pre-kids", we're now going on almost three months. I can only hope I'm sleeping in a new bedroom by St. Patrick's Day! I can also say that I only hope I can sleep! I haven't been sleeping well (which, sadly, isn't odd for me) and I've been tired and extremely fatigued at all times.
We've also been waiting endlessly for the legal proceedings to move with our kidlets. We finally found out in the middle of January that the judge ruled on the court hearing from December 14th. Yes, a full month after the fact, we finally got results of his order. He ruled in our favor, which should be a GREAT thing. However, yesterday was Day 30 after he signed that order and the last day for their tribe to file an appeal against it. We're waiting to see what gets delivered in the court's mailbox tomorrow. The tribe's Ic.wA specialist called our kids' social worker on Thursday and stated their intent to file so we could be in for many more months of waiting as the supreme (appellate) court does their job of sifting through all the findings.
It's an extreme under-statement to say these past six months have been stressful. It's been stressful on Gil and I as a couple, as individuals, on our parents and my brother... We've canceled our adoption proceeding twice now so I'm really hesitant to even petition for another hearing even if we hear there's no appeal in tomorrow's mail. I have a friend whose son's birth-parents filed their appeal on Day 33... they somehow got a grace period on their 30 days so couldn't that happen to us, too? I've got all these thoughts running through my mind tonight. Tomorrow may be the day... but will it truly be?
The kids' social worker told me today her whole department is on pins and needles to see what happens with our case. They've never seen anything like it, with a tribe filing an appeal against another tribal family all in the name of Ic.wA... especially since the relative fighting for the kids had over 2 years to become licensed and never followed through the 4 different times she said she'd take the kids (or kid, as she was only interested in 1 until she found out we brought all 3 home).
Anyway, the meditation for today's Mass readings has to do with seeking a sign (Mark 8:11-13). Here's an excerpt from "The Word Among Us" for today's meditation:
How about us? Everyone of us is regularly tested by God, as a necessary part of our growth into mature disciples. We can choose to see this testing as a good thing, or we can resist: "Lord, why am I facing this challenging road? Are you sure you want me to do this? Please send me one more sign to convince me that this is Your will!" For us, just as for these Pharisees, stretching our faith muscles can hurt sometimes!
I've never asked for signs from God. I've often asked Him "Why?"... and these past few weeks, I've really become self-indulgent in the wallowing, wondering why Gil's and my path to have children and grow our family larger has been so difficult. First with the infertility (which still isn't over, I don't think) and then with our first social worker and now in this situation with the kids' tribe. I know testing is a good thing in our path to maturity in our spirituality, but honestly, the testing for me has almost had an opposite effect. I haven't grown closer to God, I've grown further away. I've done lots of things to try and force myself closer, knowing I should be doing this or doing that... I've been reading more scripture and more books on spirituality, listening to more and more Christian music, loving the message and believing in it even if I don't feel it... but none of it has really helped. I understand Pas.cal's Wa.ger and I believe it can happen. All I can do is continue trudging on.
And since I mentioned trudging, I now have the movie "A Kni.ght's Tale" in my head. Maybe I should go take my mind on a mini-vacation and watch it.
I am blessed. I am thankful. I am grateful to a God Who has given me everything I need and so much of what I want.
I am blessed.
I am thankful.
I am grateful to have a husband who loves me more than any other human could love another. He loves me when I feel unlovable and he loves me when I act unlovable.
I am grateful to have three beautiful children who bless my every day with their inquisitiveness and hearts overflowing with love. I am grateful to finally hear the word "Mommy" and have it mean ME!
I am grateful to have parents who have always been there for me and will always be there for me and who have taught me what true, unconditional love is all about.
I am grateful for a brother who makes me laugh, who supports me and is there for me and mine in times of need and even in times we don't need (which are way better times, anyway!).
I am grateful for in-laws who love and accept me as one of their own.
I am grateful for a house that has become a home.
I am grateful for all the food I am able to make today (even though I wasn't planning on making anything).
I am grateful for all the men and women who sign up to sacrifice their lives to protect mine. Without them, I wouldn't have much of what I've listed above. I'm honored to be able to say my husband and my father are among them.
I am blessed.
I am thankful.
I am grateful.
And I never forget to pray for those who don't have a fraction of what I do. I ask you to take a moment to lift them in prayer right now, too.
** Disclaimer: This rant is not aimed at anyone in particular or due to anyone's specific comment to me. It is a collection of thoughts I've had since our journey began almost five years ago, and another five years prior to that, if you count the PCOS issues. Please, if you think I'm writing out my very raw feelings here in response to something you've said to me, please know that's not true. This blog is a place for me to put my feelings and I love and cherish the support you give me - through constructive criticism or pure empathy, whether you've lived a portion of it yourselves or not - I love it all and I love you. This rant is personal and not due to anything anyone has said. **
Begin rant...
I know there are people out there - wonderful people, far better people than little ol' me - fostering and parenting and jumping through more hoops than I'll ever see to make their family "legal" in the eyes of the government. I know that. But does knowing that and, better yet, empathizing with that, make my journey any less painful for me?
I love the support I receive from the friends and family who give it... I cherish it and thank God for all He's given me in the people in my life. I also thank God and am humbled every day for the children He's entrusted me to care for and raise with the best of my ability to know and love Him and to be good stewards here on this earth. I thank Him for the most wonderful husband a girl could ever ask for. I thank Him for parents who gave me a happy, carefree childhood and who stood together through the test of time to show me what marriage and parenting really is. I even thank Him for my infertility... okay, maybe I've only thanked Him a couple of times for that one; more often than not, I still shake my fist at Him over that one.
I know what a good life He's blessed me with. I know I could always have it worse. When I'm really hating on my PCOS and infertility, I start my little mantra: It could always be worse. I could have cancer. I could have a disease that doesn't allow me to move, or see, or hear, doesn't allow me to experience the gloriousness of this world. I could have been victim to horrible abuses. I could have never "found" a husband, a godly man who loves me more than life. I could have, I could have, I could have...
I know it could be worse. And I knew what we could have been up against in our adoption journey. The very reason we didn't go into fostering with the intent to foster and see if it could lead to adoption is because of all the CPS and government regulated bullcrap that foster parents have to deal with. Children's best interest? BullCRAP! I grew up experiencing first-hand foster, and more specifically, ICWA bureaucracy...on an Indian reservation, for crying out loud. I knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle that. I know I'm weak. I know I play the "why me, Lord" card all too often when I'm feeling sorry for myself.
KNOWing all those things doesn't make our journey any easier for us to deal with. It's OUR journey, and knowing it could be worse like so many others, doesn't make our hearts ache any less. It does make us step back and thank God once again for not having it any more difficult than we do, and for giving us the resources to be able to deal with it all (emotionally and physically). But our hearts still ache.
Cancer kills more than just the person who receives the dreaded diagnosis. Well, the terminal kind of cancer, anyway. It kills hope. It kills dreams. It kills families.
For a refresher on the diagnosis and relevance of Uncle's cancer in our family, please read my original post by clicking here. Now... fast forward a year...
Over the past month, Gil's uncle has been admitted to the hospital three times. During this most recent admit (last week to present), we finally found out the reason for his uncontrolled pain and vomiting. Despite all the chemo, his cancer has caused an obstruction. When Uncle was initially diagnosed a year ago, he was already in stage IV colon cancer with mets to the liver and lungs and we knew it was terminal. Now, those liver mets have expanded and globbed on (yes, that's a technical term!) to his large intestine, creating a blockage that doesn't allow any output. This past Friday, we made a trip to visit him and took the kids so they could meet Gil's family. The day we arrived, he was having surgery to determine if the blockage could be removed or bypassed or, if unable to do so, place a colostomy bag to allow some output. He ended up with the colostomy because the obstruction couldn't be removed without removing his liver. The colostomy will allow him to eat and drink without vomiting (hopefully). It's been a year since his diagnosis but now we're in the final stages.
Cancer may kill... but in death is resurrection and new life and that is no more evident than during the Easter season when we celebrate new life and resurrection in Christ. Yes, cancer does kill. But so many other good things float in on the waves of tears that we don't immediately recognize (hmm... same could be said for a journey in infertility). We have grown closer as a family because we realize when faced with death that it's our relationships on earth that matter more than anything else we could ever acquire.
We don't understand the WHY of Uncle's cancer and why it was necessary for him to get sick just a year and a half after Grandpa died so suddenly from cancer. But as I've recently been reminded, we don't need to know the WHY. God does things beyond our understanding as any parent would do for their child. Imagine something as simple as a child not understanding why they have to take medicine for an infection... They may try to spit it out and scream and throw a hissy fit, but we have to force it down their throats anyway, because we KNOW it will help them in the long run. (Mine aren't like this, by the way. My little one is "old hat" when it comes to meds and breathing treatments.)
Like it or not, God knows. He knows death better than anyone, having sacrificed His own Son so we can live. It's not our place to understand. We only need to allow God to work in our lives and know that only good will come in His love for us.
Easier said than done but whoever said Faith was easy?!
I'll start with that very blunt, two word statement. After all these years, the times of intense grief and sadness happen less frequently, leaving a dull ache in its place and it's manageable for the most part. Then, very unexpectedly, just when you think you've mastered it, it rears its ugly head and smacks you back and beats you down until you're writhing in pain and not sure if you'll ever see sunshine again. Infertility sucks.
Things were going good... but somehow the holidays always bring out the worst while bringing out the best. The first news is that our IUI was negative. I know it rarely happens on the first one but I thought, "It must be a sign! We could conceive on Gil's birthday and give birth on mine! How great of a gift would that be?!" Yeah, well, no gift. We found out 8 hours into the new year that our IUI had not worked. I was still suffering all the side effects from all the drugs from our medicated cycle (I get intense pelvic/ovarian cramping from the hCG and being on progesterone). I stopped the progesterone and was hit hard from that effect two days later.
Unfortunately, the timing won't work for us to go through IUI again this month. And financially, February and March are our most difficult months of the year so we're going to postpone another IUI until April, if the timing then will work. It really stinks to have make those kinds of decisions and worry about spending so much just to try - with no guarantee - just try to become pregnant.
The new year also brought us an anniversary... not the kind to celebrate, but it's now officially been five years since we started trying to conceive. I knew the new year was going to be emotionally difficult because of that, but then the pregnancy announcements started coming in... four of them so far.
Please know that I do not begrudge and am not jealous of those who are able to easily achieve pregnancy. I am truly ecstatic at the miracle of pregnancy and rejoice in the gift my friends are given. But it does hurt. It rips my heart out. And right now I'm hurting even worse because I'm feeling guilty and pained because I am so hurt by such announcements. I'm mad that I can't celebrate a new life without crying for the one(s) I don't have. I want so much to jump with joy and start planning baby showers and discussing name options and buying those cute little baby clothes... but I can't. It's all a reminder of something I can't have, and very possibly never will... and it's the only thing I've ever wanted (besides the mandatory husband to go along with it, of course!).
Friday I was knocked to my knees with grief and pain at the unfairness of it all. Over the past year, I've lost the ability to pray. I go into His presence and open myself up to Him, but I'm unable to say anything. He knows what's in my heart and mind already but I feel like my words are meaningless anyway... and I was beginning to sound like a broken record. In the beginning, I would ask for strength... I soon learned to stop because I was only given more things to bear. I asked for a sense of peace, I asked for patience, for emotional healing, for whatever... I never asked specifically for a baby. So I decided to try that. It didn't work. So I stopped praying... praying with words anyway, because I don't even know what to pray for anymore. On Friday, when the grief came out of nowhere and smacked me down hard because of something I heard in a song (God always speaks to me through music), I went to my HP sisters to ask them to pray for me because I couldn't do it myself... and I knew they of all people would understand exactly what I needed prayer for.
One of my sisters sent me a written-out prayer of how she prays for me so I can have "words" and to be able to pray along with her. I was bawling so hard while reading it that I couldn't finish the first two attempts. One of the things she expressed to me was the knowledge that I'm feeling "abandoned and forgotten". Until now, I'd never seen it that way. It fits.
Today's the first day of winter. I haven't blogged since my Musings last week. There will be no Musings today. Life's been busy. Super busy. It's had its ups and it's had its downs... some major ups and downs in the past week alone. That's all I'll say about that.
Christmas is this week. We'll be celebrating with my family. Christmas Eve at my parents and then Christmas Day at our home. I guess I'm officially an adult now; I've started assuming some holiday hosting for the family dinners and get-togethers. I spent tonight baking 5 different treats and cookies, though my molasses cookies didn't turn out. I used a friend's recipe and it turned out nothing like the way she makes them. I was so frustrated I just threw away all the batter/dough. I haven't had a lot of gift wrapping to do because we really scaled back on the gifts we bought and money we spent this year, but I've got everything wrapped and under the tree.
Besides, Christmas isn't about the treats and money spent on gifts. Christmas is about CHRIST. And as distant and angry as I've been with Him over the past few years, I still love Him and still honor the way He came down from heaven in the form of a lowly human to give His life for us... for me.
Last week went by in a blur. It seems like so much is happening without really doing too much. I also never thought my house cleaning would take so much more time and have to happen so much more often with this house. I notice the dog hair and dander much worse than I did in our last home. It's crazy.
And now I get to deal with snowy paw marks all over the floor. Last night it started to snow and continued through this morning and I love it, don't get me wrong, I just wish it would've waited a few more days. Gil had to leave today and is traveling over the worst stretch of roads to get to his destination. I don't know why his company won't join the technology of the 21st century and sky.pe in or teleconference for these mandatory meetings. He has to travel to more meetings the first week of January. Who plans these for this part of the year anyway?!!
I just finished addressing most of my Christmas cards this weekend so I'll hopefully be getting them in the mail this week. I've never felt this unprepared and tardy in getting them out before so that bugs me a little bit. It also bugs me that we won't be getting an updated picture sent out this year. We'll still take one, probably this coming weekend, and share it with our closer friends and family but it won't go out to everyone in our cards and that bugs me, too, like I'm just being a slacker this year.
We had an adoption workshop we needed to attend yesterday as another requirement for our license. Yes, this was the same workshop I already attended in November but Gil wasn't able to make it. Apparently, neither were 4 other couples so our family resource specialist hosted another workshop just for those who weren't able to go to the last one so I went with Gil. I'm glad I did; we met some great people who I think will turn into not only a great support system for when we will eventually adopt but will become great friends. And they all live within 5 miles of us!
I had previously discussed a sibling set of 3 boys we had put our study in for. Well, our FRS was waiting to hear from her higher-ups about some questions she had in regards to the medical exam issue before actually submitting our study. We had no clue she hadn't already submitted our study. Two weeks after we expressed interest and asked her to submit us for these boys, their agency closed their profile as they had a family selection already in process. We were too late.
I was really sad and felt like God closed yet another door. Seems like a lot of doors have been closed during both our journeys to grow our family and it has me questioning if we're doing the right thing. However, the desire to parent is still strong for us so we're continuing to push on and whatever happens, happens.
So... we're attempting another IUI but I'm keeping dates under wraps so we can keep it somewhat private between the two of us. No one else has to tell anyone when they wish to conceive! It looks as though the procedure will actually happen this time, too, even though nature unexpectedly changed our original scheduled date.
And... we did have our homestudy officially submitted for 2 other sibling sets this past week. One set is 2 boys (ages 7 & 4) and 1 girl (age 2) and the other set is 2 boys (ages 5 & 6). All children would need continued extensive counseling and/or therapy to deal with the emotional trauma of their early lives and it's becoming much more evident the more we talk with others currently living with it how much work it's going to be having children by this route. It's definitely not scaring us away from this adoption path as we were well informed prior to choosing it, but we're so thankful we are continuing to learn about all the resources and support that will be available to us. We know we won't be able to do it alone.
Fingers are crossed and prayers have been said. Again, what happens, happens and it's all in God's hands. We've gotten better at being patient in this process. It's not without its frustrations but I'm thankful that Gil and I have only succeeded in growing closer and more dependent on each other rather than allowing our pain to come between us as it unfortunately happens to so many other IF couples.
The story of Christ's birth is a story of promise, hope, and revolutionary love.
So what happened?
What was once a time to celebrate the birth of a Savior has somehow turned into a season of stress, traffic jams, and shopping lists.
And when it's all over, many of us are left with presents to return, looming debt that will take months to pay off, and this empty feeling of missed purpose.
Is this what we really want out of Christmas?
What if Christmas became a world-changing event again?
It's been so long, I don't even know where to begin. Three weeks. Wow. The reason? Pain. Indescribable pain. I'm ready to admit it now... now that I'm starting to see the light on the other side.
I last wrote about our cancelled IUI in September... we still utilized the hormones and things were feeling really positive. The path we had started down felt really right. I was in a lot of pain from all the drugs, I think a little ovarian over-stimulation or something. I tested on day 28 and - lo and behold! - it was negative. No real surprise there. So I stopped taking the prometrium (progesterone) meant to sustain an early pregnancy and began feeling the ache, the sting from another hope dashed.
When my cycle started, it was the most intense pain I've dealt with in awhile but it also began the whole process all over again. I called my nurses, set up appointments, ordered more drugs... the next day when I actually looked at the calendar and was figuring everything out with Gil, we realized he'd be out of town over the days that would be ideal for the IUI. So I had to call my nurses back and cancel everything... and I broke.
Literally broke down. I hurt so bad, cried so hard, that I stressed myself into a migraine so bad I was vomiting and extremely sensitive to light and sound. I spent 3 full days laid up in bed with the shades drawn. And I've spent almost every day since then crying.
In two more months, Gil and I will have been trying to conceive for 5 years. FIVE years! We finally got the opportunity to meet with an REI in August and finally have someone tell us that we should have no problems getting pregnant with the aid of IUI(s), so we jump on board and begin the process... twice... only to have to cancel twice.
I'm feeling very hopeless right now. I feel like we've come to the end of the treatment options we had decided upon, which means the very possible end of having a chance to conceive. I've lost the ability to pray; I just don't know how anymore. I can't even form the words... which is flowing over into every aspect of my life and is why I haven't felt like blogging.
But I'm trying. I was blessed by someone in my support group and just received 3 more books on dealing with infertility. I'm thinking of taking a supplement to help with serotonin (depression) issues which, if you know me, is a huge step in admitting and submitting to anything! I have to contact my doctor to check interactions with my prescriptions.
And best of all, I have the most wonderful husband on the face of the earth. I may not be able to pray right now but I'm still able to feel God's love despite that... through Gil. I have many other blessings and believe me, I don't take a single one of them for granted. But Gil, man oh man! God must really love me to have blessed me with him. Not to belittle the prayers and friendship many of you offer (for which I'm truly and eternally grateful) but it's truly my husband that is getting me through right now. And if I can still feel God's hand in that, there's still hope.
Oh, the eternal question "Why?" Remember my last post, my anger at the unfairness of it all and questioning God yet again?
God answered me today.
I received my latest Stepping Stones newsletter last week but never opened it to read until today. The article on page 3 of the Sept-Oct 2009 issue discusses five lessons learned while living with infertility. When discussing Job and his tribulations and how he always questioned God, the article paraphrases Job 38 (God's response to Job's question) in the following way:
"Who are you to question My wisdom? Were you there when I made the world? Who closed the gates to hold back the sea when it burst from the womb of the earth? Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn? Has anyone ever shown you the gates that guard the dark world of the dead?"
Who am I? Who am I to question God and His purpose for my life?
I read Job 38 in its entirety, then read 39, 40 and continued skimming through the end of the book to see how Job would react to God's chastisement and what else God might have to say to him, what He has to say to me. Job 42 says:
1 Then Job answered the Lord and said: 2 I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be hindered. 3 I have dealt with great things that I do not understand, things too wonderful for me which I cannot know.
It goes on to say that Job repented for his ways, and
12 Thus the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his earlier ones.
Thank You, Lord, for hearing my plea and opening my heart to Your reply. Thank You for loving me through my tantrums. Thank You for blessing my life in ways I do not always see or feel.
May my thoughts and words continue to praise You and may my prayers continue to honor You.
And don't even get me started on the Dug.gars... nineteen?!?! I'm only asking for one! Maybe two... and I'd love three. They've received that more than six times over!!
Thanks, God, for spreading the wealth. We're really feelin' the love here.
(Note to those who will accuse me of not having enough faith... my faith in my God is not in danger of being lost and my faith in my God allows me to feel every feeling He created us to suffer and enjoy. I'm only expressing my anger and hurt with Him, knowing He continues to love me through my tantrums. Can we blame this outburst on the hormones?)
Two posts ago, I mentioned that I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist and Infertility Specialist last week. We had a long, great visit and discussed the nature of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), as well as the other issues that can arise from amenorrhea and anovulation. That is why we proceeded with the endometrial biopsy, which showed only proliferative endometrium. The endometrium proliferates under the influence of estrogen, which my body abnormally regulates and erroneously believes it makes too much of. So, this is an expected condition due to the nature of PCOS.
Dr. M was a bit confused and possibly upset that my OB/GYN discontinued my use of metformin two years ago. Her reasoning: it wasn't working because I wasn't ovulating. His reason for staying on it is because the metformin works against the insulin issues related to PCOS (no, I'm not diabetic nor have "abnormal" insulin levels) and is crucial for my cardiac and vascular health. So, I'm back on it, despite the GI upset.
Due to my normal state of amenorrhea (lack of menstruation), Dr. M. wants me to start taking progesterone again, to induce a withdrawal bleed. Then, our plan is, I will resume clomid to aid in follicle (egg) growth. Two weeks into my cycle, I will have an ultrasound to determine growth rate of those follicles and based on that rate, they can determine when they'd be at the optimal size for ovulation. Then, I will have an HCG trigger shot to induce ovulation... yes, they can "make" me ovulate! It'll probably be the first time ever in my life! Wahoo! Then it's insemination time.
We received Gil's latest test results yesterday, which confirm the need for proceeding with IUI. His results aren't drastic enough to warrant IVF, which we wouldn't do anyway. We don't believe in making babies in petri dishes. IUI allows fertilization to take place as it normally would internally and naturally (with a bit of help in separating the good, strong swimmers from the non-motiles).
Dr. M. is going to talk with an OB/GYN closer to where I live and see if they can't work together on my case. I should know about more about that by next week. But as it is, we're proceeding with IUI this cycle, THIS cycle! Which means we could potentially be pregnant by mid-September! Dr. M. actually told me that there should be no physical reason why we can't get pregnant. I thought I'd lost all hope of conceiving until he said that... but I'm feeling hopeful again. I know it's in God's hands and the outcome has already been determined, but we both feel this is the way we're being led.
"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed." (Psalms 34:19 NAB)
I'm both struggling and desiring to have the same faith as David. It's been a rough week.
My friend, Thelma at "Life as Two", wrote this post earlier this week that so eloquently sums up all the feelings jumbling around inside me. She has been blessed with the gift of prose, of putting into words things I've yet to figure out how to even vocalize. I have the same issues she describes about my career... because at some point in the past 5-7 years, it has become a career rather than just a "job". It's definitely not what I planned for my life but it is something I've been given to keep my life occupied in the absence of other things. I have a good career, I have people who look to me for problem-solving and advice, I have managers who encourage me to expand even further, I've had coworkers try to get me to apply to be their supervisor (never!) and, for the most part, I think I'm really good at what I do. It's just not what I want to do. And I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with having to do it every day.
Here's something Thelma said in her post:
In Isaiah 55:8-9, God says,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Not the plan. Not my plan, at least. Not our plan. Our ways aren’t His. It boggles my mind that my life is not upside down or backwards to Him. As much as it feels like a jumbled mess, He’s pulling it all together.
Here's my choice for today's scripture: Lamentations 3: 31-33
For the Lord's rejection does not last forever; Though He punishes, He takes pity, in the abundance of His mercies; He has no joy in afflicting or grieving the sons of men.
This translation is from The New American Bible, commonly used by Catholics and is the Bible of choice on the USCCB's website. However, I'm not sure I like the literal feeling behind the word "punishes". So here's another translation...
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
I'm not feeling a lot of compassion right now but I'm faithful and hopeful that it'll come. I know He has a plan for my life, for our lives, and I'm trying to trust in my faith that the plan will be great and perfect. Still... infertility sucks.
(The particular Bible source is not referenced for the second translation but was found on I Lift My Eyes Ministries.)
Friday night, we all shared in Mom's daily penance by partaking in Stations of the Cross with her. We watched The Passion, which is a true penance. It's a film that realistically captures all Christ went through for us. It's difficult to watch someone undergo such treatment but necessary to remember the depth of His love for us.
Last night, we went to Easter Vigil Mass, celebrated the true start of Easter. I love the Service of Light, where we start in the darkness... a dark and empty tomb... the Paschal candle is lit from a new fire outside the church and the light is passed person to person, candle to candle, until the whole church is lit. The simple drama of lighting candles speaks of how the Church overcomes a world darkened by sin with the light of Christ, until the day when we enter that whole new level when all of the lights will come on, that is, in the brightness of eternity.
The second part of the Vigil is the Liturgy of the Word, done by candlelight only. We had 4 readings from the Old Testament and 1 from the New, each followed by a reflective song. The readings chosen for this Mass are from Genesis, Exodus, Isaiah, Ezekial, and Romans... chosen specifically to help us meditate on God's wondrous works for His people from the very dawn of time. The lights then come one and we sing the Gloria and Alleluia.
Then there are the baptisms and confirmations, a beautiful time where the waters are blessed and new members are brought into the Church. It's a joyful celebration to be a part of.
The Liturgy of the Eucharist brings back to the forefront the whole meaning of celebrating this Last Supper, so newly refreshed in our memories with what Christ has given us in Him.
It's a long service - we didn't get home until close to midnight - but to me, it captures Easter so much more than Sunday morning Mass. I loved being able to celebrate it with my parents last night.
So today... I hope you have a happy and blessed Easter! Celebrate - He is Risen! Alleluia, alleluia!
I love Thi.rd Day. They are one of my all-time favorite bands, Christian or otherwise. This song totally fits my mood for this week. I'll leave it to them to tell you... their words are so much better than mine.
Revelation by Thi.rd Day
My life has led me down a road that's so uncertain And now I am left alone and I am broken Trying to find my way Trying to find the faith that's gone This time, I know that you are holding all the answers I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances On roads that never seem to be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation Show me what to do Cause I've been trying to find my way I haven't got a clue Tell me should I stay here Or do I need to move Give me a revelation I've got nothing without You I've got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that's ever winding Through every twist and turn I'm always finding That I am lost again (I am lost again) Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation Show me what to do Cause I've been trying to find my way I haven't got a clue Tell me should I stay here Or do I need to move Give me a revelation I've got nothing without You I've got nothing without...
I don't know where I can turn Tell me when will I learn Won't You show me where I need to go, Oh oh Let me follow Your lead I know that it's the only way that I can get back home
Earlier this week, a friend sent me an email... one of those forwarded quotes that is absolutely beautiful and then directs you to send it on to 7 friends within 7 minutes in order for something good to happen to you... you know the scoop. I usually HATE those things. However, this particular quote and message was absolutely beautiful and oh-so-fitting for how I've been feeling this week.
The first part of the message was this: When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
I have to admit that this past week, I've truly been feeling as though our infertility is a punishment... for sexual relations before marriage (with each other and others), not going to church every week, not praying the right way or often enough, our gluttonous eating habits... whatever the case may be. I know that's not right, but that's the way it feels.
The next part of the message M sent me said: The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Sounds really familiar with something I have been telling myself for years, something passed down from my mom: God will never give you more to carry than He knows you to be capable of handling. I was always told to take it as a compliment because the more you carry, the stronger God believes you to be. I've been told by others it's a good thing and to feel blessed to be considered "one of the strong" as opposed to the weak, but I don't feel blessed. I don't want to be strong if it means I have to go the rest of my life without knowing what it is to feel our baby, created in love, growing inside me, to hold our baby in my arms and see my husband's beautiful eyes reflected in our child's. I've even been feeling this past week that the whole adoption process won't work and will keep us from holding and nurturing our child(ren).
So I googled the quote about the will of God... even though I knew the context and meaning of the quote, it was phrased in a way I'd never heard before. I believe it may be of Cal.vinist origin from texts I found (if I'm wrong and anyone knows different, please correct me), but this is the quote in its entirety.
The will of God will never take you Where the grace of God cannot keep you, Where the arms of God cannot support you, Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, Where the power of God cannot endow you.
The will of God will never take you Where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, Where the army of God cannot protect you, Where the hands of God cannot mold you.
The will of God will never take you Where the love of God cannot enfold you, Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.
The will of God will never take you Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, Where the Word of God cannot feed you, Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.
Everything happens for a purpose. We may not see the wisdom of it all now, but trust and believe in the Lord that everything is for the best.
Author unknown
I don't know the "purpose" of what we're going through in dealing with this blasted disease of infertility. I really pray that these feelings are just Satan trying to nudge between me and God. That won't happen. I will never give up my faith in God, whom I believe with all my heart to be the God of miracles. I know He could create the life for us that we so desperately desire and I know there has to be a really good reason why He's choosing not to. It's that reason that I'm unsure of. I wish I knew what the "purpose" and "wisdom" of our pain is.
I have to give a shout-out to Father Aus.tin, a relatively new priest ordained through the Arch.dioc.ese of Bal.timore. Last March, he started a blog about finding Christ in popular culture and titled it "Jesus Goes to Dis.ney Wor.ld". I have to say that my biggest issues with the Church and scripture is being able to relate it to me and my life and the world we live in, as it is NOW not two thousand years ago... how it relates to the differences between cultures and changes of modernization and traditions.
I have just recently found this blog and have become so intrigued that I am going back and re-reading all his posts from the beginning... I've only made it through the first month; only 10 more to go!
Some of his posts pertain to his life and work as a campus minister, others to changes or happenings in the Church... mostly he compares movies or other popular media messages to our relationship with Christ. He has a cool one on The Lit.tle Mer.maid. The one sticking in my mind the most right now is about comedian Da.ne Co.ok and how his engaging style should or could relate to the way our priests give their homilies. I've provided the links to each of these if you want to check them out.
I do have him in my blog roll now in the left-hand column of my blog and I enjoy waiting for new posts to appear. Maybe it's something that'll interest you, maybe not. I just know that he interests me. I like the way he can provoke my thoughts by relating to things I understand.
It's Christmas Eve! I'm trying really hard to focus on the things I love about celebrating this holiday and less on what actually happened to cause Christians to start this holiday. Think of it... God even deemed it important to come to earth in the form of a baby, born of a virgin... the miracle of it all is fabulous for the roots of my faith but oh-so-hurtful to my soul's deepest desire of achieving pregnancy and having my own baby, even by conventional methods. Egads! I know He can make us pregnant despite the disease and I'm still struggling with WHY He chooses not to. I really wish I could figure out the reason and I don't know what I'm over-looking.
However, despite all that mess, I said I'm choosing to focus on the things I love about celebrating this holiday... mainly just being with my family... laughing, eating, playing games, eating, drinking, laughing... some of my favorite things I mentioned more than once, if you noticed! I'm so excited to get home so we can start our family traditions. I don't get to see my family very often so I'm just excited to see and be with them and that's gift enough for Christmas. I don't have to worry about being around little children and pregnant women until Friday, and though that may not seem like much, it's a gift to me and I'm thankful for it.
If you're reading this, I pray for you to have a Christmas filled with all of your favorite things, too. May you be blessed with His love and filled with the spirit of the season. I pray that you'll be able to find some moments away from the commercialization of this holiday.
A child of God, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend... basking daily in blessings graciously bestowed upon me while trudging my way through the struggle of infertility.
My baptism - Me in the center with my parents, godparents, the priest and my dad's sister and her daughter (baptized at the same time)
