Scattered Meanderings

I cannot believe this is my first post of 2011. Wow. A month and a half since my last post. I wish I could say nothing much has been happening but that's not the truth. I just really haven't felt like writing.

We started a remodeling project the weekend after Thanksgiving (we're building a master suite upstairs and moving the office downstairs) but we haven't even laid tile on the bathroom floor yet. We've been busy working on it every spare chance we get but between my husband traveling for work, just the plain simple busy-ness of parenting, and the other little things that crop up on weekends, we don't get a lot of time to work. What would've taken us a month to complete "pre-kids", we're now going on almost three months. I can only hope I'm sleeping in a new bedroom by St. Patrick's Day! I can also say that I only hope I can sleep! I haven't been sleeping well (which, sadly, isn't odd for me) and I've been tired and extremely fatigued at all times.

We've also been waiting endlessly for the legal proceedings to move with our kidlets. We finally found out in the middle of January that the judge ruled on the court hearing from December 14th. Yes, a full month after the fact, we finally got results of his order. He ruled in our favor, which should be a GREAT thing. However, yesterday was Day 30 after he signed that order and the last day for their tribe to file an appeal against it. We're waiting to see what gets delivered in the court's mailbox tomorrow. The tribe's Ic.wA specialist called our kids' social worker on Thursday and stated their intent to file so we could be in for many more months of waiting as the supreme (appellate) court does their job of sifting through all the findings.

It's an extreme under-statement to say these past six months have been stressful. It's been stressful on Gil and I as a couple, as individuals, on our parents and my brother... We've canceled our adoption proceeding twice now so I'm really hesitant to even petition for another hearing even if we hear there's no appeal in tomorrow's mail. I have a friend whose son's birth-parents filed their appeal on Day 33... they somehow got a grace period on their 30 days so couldn't that happen to us, too? I've got all these thoughts running through my mind tonight. Tomorrow may be the day... but will it truly be?

The kids' social worker told me today her whole department is on pins and needles to see what happens with our case. They've never seen anything like it, with a tribe filing an appeal against another tribal family all in the name of Ic.wA... especially since the relative fighting for the kids had over 2 years to become licensed and never followed through the 4 different times she said she'd take the kids (or kid, as she was only interested in 1 until she found out we brought all 3 home).

Anyway, the meditation for today's Mass readings has to do with seeking a sign (Mark 8:11-13). Here's an excerpt from "The Word Among Us" for today's meditation:

How about us? Everyone of us is regularly tested by God, as a necessary part of our growth into mature disciples. We can choose to see this testing as a good thing, or we can resist: "Lord, why am I facing this challenging road? Are you sure you want me to do this? Please send me one more sign to convince me that this is Your will!" For us, just as for these Pharisees, stretching our faith muscles can hurt sometimes!

I've never asked for signs from God. I've often asked Him "Why?"... and these past few weeks, I've really become self-indulgent in the wallowing, wondering why Gil's and my path to have children and grow our family larger has been so difficult. First with the infertility (which still isn't over, I don't think) and then with our first social worker and now in this situation with the kids' tribe. I know testing is a good thing in our path to maturity in our spirituality, but honestly, the testing for me has almost had an opposite effect. I haven't grown closer to God, I've grown further away. I've done lots of things to try and force myself closer, knowing I should be doing this or doing that... I've been reading more scripture and more books on spirituality, listening to more and more Christian music, loving the message and believing in it even if I don't feel it... but none of it has really helped. I understand Pas.cal's Wa.ger and I believe it can happen. All I can do is continue trudging on.

And since I mentioned trudging, I now have the movie "A Kni.ght's Tale" in my head. Maybe I should go take my mind on a mini-vacation and watch it.


Skip ahead to 4:50 for the trudging part.