Monday's Musings

I am thankful for... my family and those friends who have become my family. Without the love and support of others in my life right now, I'd be having an even more difficult time dealing with some current issues.

Outside my window... soft snowflakes fluttering down from the trees as the breeze flows through their naked limbs. It made it look like it was snowing today but the sky was clear and sun was shining!

I am going... to pray we're still able to take our planned trip to Germany next Christmas. Current events may eat into our trip savings.

I am reading... nothing. For once in my life, I have absolutely no desire. I hope it doesn't last long.

I am hoping... for good and honor and truth to prevail.

I am hearing... a roaring fire - yummy warmth!

One of my favorite things... Grandma's peanut brittle.

Here is a picture I'm sharing... this was our view Christmas Eve morning at my parents' house.

Winter's Officially Here

Today's the first day of winter. I haven't blogged since my Musings last week. There will be no Musings today. Life's been busy. Super busy. It's had its ups and it's had its downs... some major ups and downs in the past week alone. That's all I'll say about that.

Christmas is this week. We'll be celebrating with my family. Christmas Eve at my parents and then Christmas Day at our home. I guess I'm officially an adult now; I've started assuming some holiday hosting for the family dinners and get-togethers. I spent tonight baking 5 different treats and cookies, though my molasses cookies didn't turn out. I used a friend's recipe and it turned out nothing like the way she makes them. I was so frustrated I just threw away all the batter/dough. I haven't had a lot of gift wrapping to do because we really scaled back on the gifts we bought and money we spent this year, but I've got everything wrapped and under the tree.

Besides, Christmas isn't about the treats and money spent on gifts. Christmas is about CHRIST. And as distant and angry as I've been with Him over the past few years, I still love Him and still honor the way He came down from heaven in the form of a lowly human to give His life for us... for me.

Monday's Musings

I am thankful for... patient and well-behaved puppies. I had a very long day (13 hours) in the office today and they stayed cooped up in there with me all day.

Outside my window... Snow, snow, snow! And cloudy overcast skies.

I am going... shopping for a few more Christmas decorations tomorrow. I have three times the house to decorate now and need to expand my stash!

I am reading... recipes for all the Christmas treats I plan to make this coming weekend.

I am hoping... my husband calls me soon. He's being the social butterfly and visiting some of our friends tonight while he's in our old town. I'm ready for bed and want to hear his voice before I fall asleep.

I am hearing... the tv as I'm catching up on some of my DVR'd shows.

One of my favorite things... moist and chewy brownies. Mmm.

Here is a picture I'm sharing... a picture I took today. It doesn't quite capture the amount of snow we have but I have a fondness for black and white tree pictures.

Another Lengthy Update

Last week went by in a blur. It seems like so much is happening without really doing too much. I also never thought my house cleaning would take so much more time and have to happen so much more often with this house. I notice the dog hair and dander much worse than I did in our last home. It's crazy.

And now I get to deal with snowy paw marks all over the floor. Last night it started to snow and continued through this morning and I love it, don't get me wrong, I just wish it would've waited a few more days. Gil had to leave today and is traveling over the worst stretch of roads to get to his destination. I don't know why his company won't join the technology of the 21st century and sky.pe in or teleconference for these mandatory meetings. He has to travel to more meetings the first week of January. Who plans these for this part of the year anyway?!!

I just finished addressing most of my Christmas cards this weekend so I'll hopefully be getting them in the mail this week. I've never felt this unprepared and tardy in getting them out before so that bugs me a little bit. It also bugs me that we won't be getting an updated picture sent out this year. We'll still take one, probably this coming weekend, and share it with our closer friends and family but it won't go out to everyone in our cards and that bugs me, too, like I'm just being a slacker this year.

We had an adoption workshop we needed to attend yesterday as another requirement for our license. Yes, this was the same workshop I already attended in November but Gil wasn't able to make it. Apparently, neither were 4 other couples so our family resource specialist hosted another workshop just for those who weren't able to go to the last one so I went with Gil. I'm glad I did; we met some great people who I think will turn into not only a great support system for when we will eventually adopt but will become great friends. And they all live within 5 miles of us!

I had previously discussed a sibling set of 3 boys we had put our study in for. Well, our FRS was waiting to hear from her higher-ups about some questions she had in regards to the medical exam issue before actually submitting our study. We had no clue she hadn't already submitted our study. Two weeks after we expressed interest and asked her to submit us for these boys, their agency closed their profile as they had a family selection already in process. We were too late.

I was really sad and felt like God closed yet another door. Seems like a lot of doors have been closed during both our journeys to grow our family and it has me questioning if we're doing the right thing. However, the desire to parent is still strong for us so we're continuing to push on and whatever happens, happens.

So... we're attempting another IUI but I'm keeping dates under wraps so we can keep it somewhat private between the two of us. No one else has to tell anyone when they wish to conceive! It looks as though the procedure will actually happen this time, too, even though nature unexpectedly changed our original scheduled date.

And... we did have our homestudy officially submitted for 2 other sibling sets this past week. One set is 2 boys (ages 7 & 4) and 1 girl (age 2) and the other set is 2 boys (ages 5 & 6). All children would need continued extensive counseling and/or therapy to deal with the emotional trauma of their early lives and it's becoming much more evident the more we talk with others currently living with it how much work it's going to be having children by this route. It's definitely not scaring us away from this adoption path as we were well informed prior to choosing it, but we're so thankful we are continuing to learn about all the resources and support that will be available to us. We know we won't be able to do it alone.

Fingers are crossed and prayers have been said. Again, what happens, happens and it's all in God's hands. We've gotten better at being patient in this process. It's not without its frustrations but I'm thankful that Gil and I have only succeeded in growing closer and more dependent on each other rather than allowing our pain to come between us as it unfortunately happens to so many other IF couples.

Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... new "old" friends. I'm going to meet with a friend from my high school days tomorrow at our small town coffee shop. It's been nice to start a reconnection since we now live in the same town. Now... I just need to make those coffee dates with friends a little further away or they're going to think I really don't want to see them!

Outside my window... darkness... deep and really chilly. It's almost midnight, for crying out loud! What am I even doing online at this hour?

I am going... insane from insomnia. It happens every time Gil is out of town.

I am reading... absolutely nothing at the moment. It's taking me about a month just to get through one magazine right now!

I am hoping... for snow. We've got the yummy cold, now we just need the white stuff!

I am hearing... Arrow chase rabbits in his sleep.

One of my favorite things... Mint Mocha with a double shot of espresso. Mmm. That's what I'm having tomorrow.

Here is a picture I'm sharing... a pine cone cluster. I snapped this real quick as we were inching by on the trail during the Je.ep Jam.boree this past August. It's one of my favorite "artsy" photographs I've ever taken.

Christmas Can [Still] Change the World

The story of Christ's birth is a story of promise, hope, and revolutionary love.

So what happened?

What was once a time to celebrate the birth of a Savior has somehow turned into a season of stress, traffic jams, and shopping lists.

And when it's all over, many of us are left with presents to return, looming debt that will take months to pay off, and this empty feeling of missed purpose.

Is this what we really want out of Christmas?

What if Christmas became a world-changing event again?

Welcome to Adv.ent Cons.piracy.

(Text copied from Adv.ent Cons.piracy's website because I couldn't have said it any better myself.)

The Germans Are Coming

And sadly, they've already come and gone.

In September, our friends H&G from Germany came to visit for three weeks and brought their friends B&L. For those of you who don't know, Gil lived in Germany for eight years while he served in the Army and going through his medical discharge and rehab. While there, he became very close friends with H and his girlfriend G. H is actually how Gil got into huskies and dog-sledding and they went to numerous races throughout Germany and France together.

Anyway... since Gil's been stateside and we've been together, H&G have come to visit every other year (and back-to-back years when we got married). Luckily, with the added guests of B&L this visit, we're in a new home big enough to accommodate everyone.

During the first two work weeks while Gil was out of town, the Germans took side trips to Yello.wstone Park one week and off to Oly.mpia Natio.nal Forest the next week. We had a lot of good quality time together this visit on the weekends and most weeknights.

One weekend, we rented an extra Harl.ey (because we only have two) and went on an excursion to Glaci.er Park. Even though I went as a passenger, I had a fabulous time! Actually, all six of us ride bikes so all the girls had to give up control and ride b*$&%.

Here we are at the summit of Goi.ng to the S.un Road.
Left to right: me, B, Gil, L, H and G (kneeling).

I took this picture mainly for Gil's mom because she'd appreciate the vessel used for a planter. This was in front of the restaurant we ate at.

Everyone wanted to go golfing and H was the only one who had been before (and only once at that!). Here's Gil giving them some quick lessons. I had to stay in the cart all day because I had majorly sprained my ankle just the day before and was unable to walk.

This is one of my favorite photos. I caught G in the middle of a laugh as she had just made a huge divot trying to hit the ball. I love the joy and abandon she's expressing.

And they brought me beer. All the way from Germany. If I weren't so darned Irish, I'd be more German than the smidgeon I am. I love beer. Dark beer. And though this isn't terribly dark, it was absolutely fantastic! Notice the word on the neck label? Hell. Yep. Though drinking one felt akin to heaven, I can see where a few too many would go drastically opposite.

We love having H&G here. They are truly family in every sense of the word and we miss them terribly. Our goodbyes at the end of every visit are becoming more difficult. We're planning a trip to see them (finally) next year as Gil wants to go back in the winter for the Christmas markets. Barring anything substantial happening in the kid department, we'll be able to spend about two to three weeks there. I really need to start building up my vacation time!

Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... Sky.pe. We've only tested it at home but for the first time, I'm going to be able to see my husband tonight during our nightly call. I'm so excited!

Outside my window... a cool autumn's evening, clear of most clouds and fading light.

I am going... to have to get my butt in gear to do my annual Christmas letter, family picture and card as well as getting the gifts that need to be mailed sent off on time. I've been slacking this year.

I am reading... my two latest HOG member magazines. I'm a bit behind in my subscriptions.

I am hoping... for once, that AF is not coming. It'll screw up all our hopes and plans... again.

I am hearing... Mojo and Karma wrestling around with each other while I'm watching my DVR'd shows from last week.

One of my favorite things... leftover turkey sandwiches the day after Thanksgiving. Mmm.

Here is a picture I'm sharing... This is a tree in a cedar grove nearby (relatively near, anyway!). I took it years ago while camping with a friend but I've always loved it for the way it appears to me to be two lovers entwined in an embrace.

Attachment Issues

National Adoption Month was started specifically to bring awareness to adoption from foster care. There are currently about 129,000 children in foster care awaiting adoptive placement; this number does not reflect children who are in foster care still going through the reunification process. Adopting from foster care brings up so many issues that are different from infant adoption. The biggest concern for me? Attachment.

I'm hoping love and patience will be our biggest help when we begin the process of attachment but I'm not optimistic enough to believe that's all we'll need. Children in foster care are typically older and have had attachments broken more than once... with removal from their parents, maybe reunified and removed again, placed in and possibly moved from more than one foster home... their trust in the attachment process is broken more with each move.

A good friend recently gave me some very good advice on child care, looking for it early and being prepared. Believe me, it's nothing I haven't already thought about. But when I think of our children possibly coming from the foster system, I have to think about their attachment issues. They won't have had previous time to bond with us. Ideally, to create the best attachment and bond as possible, I want to be with them 24/7 building that relationship and trust. If I send them to someone else, they're not going to know who to trust. I've been pondering the idea of convincing my bosses to let me work a split shift - 4 hours in the morning before kiddos wake up and 4 hours at night after kiddos have gone to bed. Best case scenario, that leaves me with a possibility of a 4 hour nap between work times. And I'm willing to do it. I'm lucky to get 4 hours most nights now! (For now, this is just a pipe dream; nothing active is happening on the adoption front. I'm just trying to brainstorm ideas.)

However, one bright spot to look at while dealing with the turmoil of breaking another attachment to bring children home to us from foster care... if they've been able to form that bond with their foster family, it's highly likely to happen again. Not without issues, I'm not that idealistic, but it's a good sign. And thankfully, we'll have access to resources and counselors to help us with the transition.

Who else needs to think about counselors and therapy when bringing their child(ren) home?

Another PSA...

Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... time. Without it, I never would've met my wonderful husband nor would we have had the chance to make it through that first year. God does know what He's doing!

Outside my window... is a view worth all the turmoil and hard work moving here took. I love looking out at those mountains.

I am going... to travel back to Gil's family to celebrate Thanksgiving next week. Gil and I had chosen Thanksgiving as the one holiday of the year we would host from our home for whomever would be able to come but since the move, we don't see his family very often. So it looks like we'll be traveling for Thanksgiving the next few years.

I am reading... medical coding journals. I have to cram in some continuing education for my recertification by the end of the week.

I am hoping... we're on the right path, the path God desires for us. I sure hope we're listening to the call and that we're able to accept it, whatever it is.

I am hearing... birds sqwaking. Think they're finally getting the hint winter is on its way?

One of my favorite things... music. Without it, I don't know where I'd be. Music shapes the spirit of my soul. I love all kinds (except gangsta rap and the screaming heavy metal)... jazz and blues, rock and roll, country, hip hop, and even pop. Yesterday, I was listening to Mil.es Davis and the Chie.ftains! Gil was thankful to be working in the shop; he thinks I'm crazy!

Here is a picture I'm sharing... in honor of our First Date anniversary. Six years ago today, Gil took me to Te.xas Roa.dhouse for our very first date... and the rest, they say, is history. I love you, baby.

Weekend of Renewal

Gil and I had such an amazing weekend of relaxation and renewal. These three months since we've moved into our new home have been absolutely insane with remodeling projects and guests from Germany (pictures and updates on that visit to follow soon). We've worked our hineys off and not had a single day to just relax and enjoy each others company.

We started our Saturday by sleeping in... late. Delicious! And the puppies respected our tiredness and didn't start to stir until we did. We made a yummy breakfast and then lounged on the couch watching tv and catching up on things we haven't had time to talk about lately. Before we knew it, it was 3:30 in the afternoon! We got ready and headed into town to go to Mass and then drove to a neighboring town to have dinner at a local brewery. We were treated with live music when we arrived and man, could they play! It was awesome! We came home and watched a movie before going to bed.

Today started in much the same fashion, by sleeping in. Man-oh-man, we're gonna get spoiled! Gil took care of the weekly garbage collection and then went to work in his shop, doing some organization he's been wanting to get to. I got the pleasure of reading through some professional journals and taking online quizzes for CEU's I need in order to renew my certifications before month's end. Right now, we're sitting on the couch in front of a lit fire in our new fireplace, with the smell of fresh-baked brownies teasing our senses. Mmm.

Our weekend may seem lazy to some but for us, it was absolutely fantastic... and much needed.

Adoption on the Horizon

It's been a busy week in our adoption journey. About three weeks ago, we got a letter from the state informing us of a mandatory 6-hour training/class we would have to take to qualify for the adoption portion of our foster-adopt license. I drove into town to attend class Tuesday and Thursday evenings this week. We had to get permission for Gil to take the class by DVD at a later time because he had to be out of town all week.

Also, our current license expires at the end of the month so I had an appointment with our FRS (family resource specialist, formerly known as a social worker) yesterday to update our preferences and home study/safety checks. She kept commenting on all the space we have.

When B was here in August for our initial home check after moving in, she told us to check a website listing the nation's waiting children currently in foster care, Adopt US Kids. We've checked the listings almost weekly. Our placement preferences have been for ages 0-5 and either a single child or a sibling set of 2. Well, over the past 2 months, Gil and I have been increasingly drawn to older and more children! We printed off 5 profiles to share with B when she came for the appointment yesterday and they were all sibling sets of 3 and ages ranging up to 11! How crazy is that? What's God doing? We never would've thought of this on our own but it's the way we feel we're being led. So we're changing our placement preferences for ages 0-7 and up to a sibling set of 3.

We sent a query to the agency who are legal guardians for these children (all profiles we're looking at are at the same place) and we received broader profiles for them by email late this afternoon. Our next step is to submit our home study and all other required documents. The only thing they require that DCFS doesn't is a medical exam/physical. Currently, our state only requires that we sign a statement attesting to our health; they don't require a medical exam. So I need to now wait until Monday to contact B so we can proceed with getting our home study sent off.

After reading through the profiles again, there is a set of 3 brothers that particularly stands out to us. It's almost scary, too, to think that we'd have 3 children at once and not all of them in school yet. I don't get paid leave off from work for an adoption adjustment period... 3 months are allowed but are unpaid. And as much as my dream is to not have to work, we cannot in any way afford that right now.

So... please pray! A lot may be coming (or not) in the next few months.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month and throughout the month I'm going to be blogging about it, bits and pieces here and there. Why? Because this is my life now. We are adopting... from foster care. We've taken the classes, we've done the home studies, we're licensed and re-licensed. We're just waiting on a placement. After almost 5 years of waiting to grow our family, I'm better at waiting than I thought I'd be at this point. So in the meantime, here's something to watch.

And this is why Gil doesn't do the laundry!



I'm just kidding about Gil and the laundry, by the way... he can do it, separating colors appropriately... he just doesn't. Why? Because I love him and I choose to do it. He does so many other things for me, laundry is the least I can do.

Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... family and friends who love and support us.

Outside my window... is a beautiful sunny, autumn day with snow-capped mountains, leaf-less tress, and crisp, clean air.

I am going... to try and take a nap before Gil gets home. I have been fighting extreme fatigue and muscle aches for the past week or so and I. am. tired.

I am reading... Wa.ter from the Ro.ck: Finding God's Com.fort in the Midst of Infe.rtility. I need all the help I can get!

I am hoping... that I don't have to do any last minute CEU's to meet my quota for re-certification in 3 weeks!

I am hearing... the ticking and cuckoo'ing of our massive German cuckoo clock that we finally hung this past weekend.

One of my favorite things... is snuggling with my hubby on the couch in front of our new fireplace and a movie.

Here is a picture I am sharing... I *heart* aspen groves. I took this on one of our trips to the Boul.der River.

Silent Monks Singing!

Singing Hallelujah!

This is too good not to share. Mom, I know you'll get a great chuckle... It gets better the more you watch.

Can you tell me how to get...

... how to get to Sesame Street?

I just want to give a quick shout out to something that was very instrumental in my early life... HAPPY 40th ANNIVERSARY, SESAME STREET!!! Count 'em... 40, 40 beautiful years, ah ah ah! I love the Count!


I have to admit, I'll still watch an episode if I happen to catch one while I'm flipping through channels on a sick day. There are a few new characters since I was a kid but it's still the same ol' comforting Sesame Street.

Sunny days... chasin' the clouds away...

(Now I've got ya singing, don't I?!!)

Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... chocolate. It's been a life-saver this past week.

Outside my window... is a beautiful full moon and clear sky.

I am going... to frame my worn-out Bet.tis jersey to hang in our game room.

I am reading... medical reports. I signed back on to work a couple of extra hours tonight.

I am hoping... I can get everything done on my "to do" list this week.

I am hearing... puppies chasing bunnies in their dreams as they sleep on my office floor while Tra.cy Cha.pman sings "Hallelujah".

One of my favorite things... the smell of pumpkin spice. What a perfect fall aroma!

Here is a picture I'm sharing... I took this last fall. I just loved the contrast between the orange and blue.

Comedic Relief

I was daydreaming last night and it took me back to simpler (and seemingly more fun) times. Stella, this one's for you... Remember when we had all those sleepovers and we'd tape record different radio programs? Brian Regan? Flock of meese?! Too dang funny, girl! For some reason, this was much funnier then (somewhere around 5th to 6th grade) but I still laugh my hiney off because of the memories it brings back.

Tito!!

Monday's Musings

I'm going to try re-starting my "Monday's Meme" thing at an attempt to get back into the groove of blogging after my emotional break. However, I'm going to do the same meme every Monday, just with different answers. So here goes...

The Simple Things for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... free phone calls. With Gil gone so much, we're able to stay in touch without having to pay extra.

Outside my window... a raging storm. It's died down a bit as I write this but the wind was howling something fierce, so strong it was blowing the rain right on through.

I am going... to bed shortly; it's been a long day.

I am reading... Self and BHG magazines; my newest editions arrived in the mail over the weekend.

I am hoping... for a brighter emotional week than the last one.

I am hearing... silence. I just turned the tv off in preparation for bed.

One of my favorite things... brownies! I sinfully ate three throughout the course of today!

Here is a picture I'm sharing... a smokey sunset scene from last month before our resident forest fire was extinguished by the first snow.

3 Week Update

It's been so long, I don't even know where to begin. Three weeks. Wow. The reason? Pain. Indescribable pain. I'm ready to admit it now... now that I'm starting to see the light on the other side.

I last wrote about our cancelled IUI in September... we still utilized the hormones and things were feeling really positive. The path we had started down felt really right. I was in a lot of pain from all the drugs, I think a little ovarian over-stimulation or something. I tested on day 28 and - lo and behold! - it was negative. No real surprise there. So I stopped taking the prometrium (progesterone) meant to sustain an early pregnancy and began feeling the ache, the sting from another hope dashed.

When my cycle started, it was the most intense pain I've dealt with in awhile but it also began the whole process all over again. I called my nurses, set up appointments, ordered more drugs... the next day when I actually looked at the calendar and was figuring everything out with Gil, we realized he'd be out of town over the days that would be ideal for the IUI. So I had to call my nurses back and cancel everything... and I broke.

Literally broke down. I hurt so bad, cried so hard, that I stressed myself into a migraine so bad I was vomiting and extremely sensitive to light and sound. I spent 3 full days laid up in bed with the shades drawn. And I've spent almost every day since then crying.

In two more months, Gil and I will have been trying to conceive for 5 years. FIVE years! We finally got the opportunity to meet with an REI in August and finally have someone tell us that we should have no problems getting pregnant with the aid of IUI(s), so we jump on board and begin the process... twice... only to have to cancel twice.

I'm feeling very hopeless right now. I feel like we've come to the end of the treatment options we had decided upon, which means the very possible end of having a chance to conceive. I've lost the ability to pray; I just don't know how anymore. I can't even form the words... which is flowing over into every aspect of my life and is why I haven't felt like blogging.

But I'm trying. I was blessed by someone in my support group and just received 3 more books on dealing with infertility. I'm thinking of taking a supplement to help with serotonin (depression) issues which, if you know me, is a huge step in admitting and submitting to anything! I have to contact my doctor to check interactions with my prescriptions.

And best of all, I have the most wonderful husband on the face of the earth. I may not be able to pray right now but I'm still able to feel God's love despite that... through Gil. I have many other blessings and believe me, I don't take a single one of them for granted. But Gil, man oh man! God must really love me to have blessed me with him. Not to belittle the prayers and friendship many of you offer (for which I'm truly and eternally grateful) but it's truly my husband that is getting me through right now. And if I can still feel God's hand in that, there's still hope.

Winter's On Its Way

Yesterday, the weather did a complete one-eighty from the day before. We have snow on all the surrounding hills, the wind is whipping with a bitter bite, and I'm back to wearing socks. I feel the coldness a emotionally as well as physically today.

My heart is aching. I woke this morning with a sinking feeling of unease and can't seem to shake it. I slept poorly, which isn't unusual, but close to morning, I dreamt, which is unusual. I'm not a dreamer... but I dreamt that a baby was left on our doorstep, bundled in a car seat, not even a month old. As silly and stupid as it was, I checked the doorstep... not once but twice this morning.

I know nothing that miraculous would happen to me. When it comes to luck, I fly off the scales from my lack of it. I'm as skinny with the luck as I can only dream of being physically! I don't know why I would dream something like that, though, and it's been bugging me all day. I'm aching so bad from the desire to have a baby, I almost fear my desire is becoming a sin... and I don't know how to give it up.

I get to test tomorrow. The dreaded pregnancy test. We went through so many negative ones the first three years of trying that I'm scared to have to go buy one just to fail again.

Please pray. My hurt is overtaking me at the moment and I can't find the words to do it myself.

"Why, God?"

Oh, the eternal question "Why?" Remember my last post, my anger at the unfairness of it all and questioning God yet again?

God answered me today.

I received my latest Stepping Stones newsletter last week but never opened it to read until today. The article on page 3 of the Sept-Oct 2009 issue discusses five lessons learned while living with infertility. When discussing Job and his tribulations and how he always questioned God, the article paraphrases Job 38 (God's response to Job's question) in the following way:

"Who are you to question My wisdom? Were you there when I made the world? Who closed the gates to hold back the sea when it burst from the womb of the earth? Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn? Has anyone ever shown you the gates that guard the dark world of the dead?"

Who am I? Who am I to question God and His purpose for my life?

I read Job 38 in its entirety, then read 39, 40 and continued skimming through the end of the book to see how Job would react to God's chastisement and what else God might have to say to him, what He has to say to me. Job 42 says:

1 Then Job answered the Lord and said:
2 I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be hindered.
3 I have dealt with great things that I do not understand, things too wonderful for me which I cannot know.

It goes on to say that Job repented for his ways, and

12 Thus the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his earlier ones.

Thank You, Lord, for hearing my plea and opening my heart to Your reply. Thank You for loving me through my tantrums. Thank You for blessing my life in ways I do not always see or feel.

May my thoughts and words continue to praise You and may my prayers continue to honor You.

God... Seriously?!?!

What are You thinking?!?

Again I ask... Why?

Gil and I can't even conceive once and You help this couple conceive twice in less than three weeks?!! Two babies, not twins, in the same gestational period??? Really?!

And don't even get me started on the Dug.gars... nineteen?!?! I'm only asking for one! Maybe two... and I'd love three. They've received that more than six times over!!

Thanks, God, for spreading the wealth. We're really feelin' the love here.

(Note to those who will accuse me of not having enough faith... my faith in my God is not in danger of being lost and my faith in my God allows me to feel every feeling He created us to suffer and enjoy. I'm only expressing my anger and hurt with Him, knowing He continues to love me through my tantrums. Can we blame this outburst on the hormones?)

Let's Make It Even More Exciting

Saturday we headed to my parents' to help them build a new deck. We had a slower start than I had anticipated but it started coming along nicely. Later in the afternoon, after all my cutting skills with the chop saw were used up and the guys were laying and drilling boards, I thought I'd go out to sit on a piece of the old deck and warm up with the sun on my back. As I stepped down, I unknowingly stepped with my right foot into a hole. Because I badly sprained this ankle about 6-1/2 years ago, I think I over-compensated with my left foot and landed on it wrong because it hadn't had time to properly plant and brace for the weight of my body. I twisted it so badly and heard cracking in ways one should never be subjected to.

I do not cry tears of physical pain very often at all but this was the occasion for it. My word! The pain was intense. Gil helped me into the house and my brother, the coach, came in and assessed the damage, tickling my foot while checking sensation, and promptly iced me up, laid me back in the recliner, and fed me anti-inflammatories. I, as a previous athletic trainer, knew there was nothing else to be done at this point and that if my symptoms remained largely unchanged, I would go to the doctor in another day or 2. I could put absolutely no pressure whatsoever on it for the greater part of the evening, but by nightfall was beginning to be able to stand gingerly on it.


I spent over two hours at the orthopedist's today. They looked at my ankle, took x-rays, looked at it again and re-assessed, x-rayed again, consulted with each other with confused looks on their faces... the consensus is one film shows a fracture, the other does not, my symptoms are weird - in typical Sara fashion - and they've never seen them before, so we're treating it as a sprain with a splint, therapy, and follow-up in 1 month.

However, while wrapped up in the throes of pain throughout the remainder of the weekend, I took two doses of 800 mg ibuprofen before regaining my sensibilities. Stupid Sara. In case you've forgotten since my last post, this is the very weekend we're trying to get pregnant (and unable to do much with a leg that can't be jostled!) with the aid of all those additional hormones my body doesn't naturally produce. Ibuprofen causes bad things to happen in the development of babies and is a big no-no... just in case. So, I'm suffering some non-medicated intense pain and swelling for the greater good in the hopes that our timed efforts and "help" from God created a life. Unfortunately, I'm also worried that I put a possible miracle in danger with those two doses of ibuprofen.

Please pray... for healing, for life, for an ease of worry, for the Holy Spirit to fill me with His grace and love as I, we, deal with all that's going on right now.

Cancelled & Triggered

*** Warning: This post is full of TMI! ***

Today was a very stressful and emotional day. Based on the arrival of the HCG and time of injection, our IUI should've been scheduled for late Saturday evening or early Sunday morning. The first scheduling conflict arose when we were told the doctor-on-call would have to be the one doing the procedure and unanswered call after unanswered call left me not able to get in touch with his office to make sure he'd be prepared for us. Then, when I called the lab guy who would have to take care of washing and separating Gil's swimmers, he told me that he wouldn't be in this weekend and we'd have to take care of that today and freeze them to save for the procedure later in the weekend. First of all, seriously?! Is this the ONLY guy in the lab who can do this? And he doesn't work on the weekends? Secondly, freezing the sperm reduces the viability, and we're already only working with 5% so we'd be cutting that to maybe 2-3%. I don't think so. For the money we'd have to pay out, it's not worth it to us to purposefully reduce our chances so much.

So... after much discussion and prayer, Gil and I decided to cancel the IUI. We talked it over with our RE and he supported our decision saying - if we need to - we can try to plan better next cycle and try to get it to fall in the middle of a week rather than the weekend. The good thing about needing drugs to begin a cycle, you can choose what day to start taking them! We went ahead with the trigger shot tonight and will proceed with "natural" procedures throughout the weekend. We'll be dealing with unspun sperm that still have to deal with getting through the cervix (and mine is chronically inflamed), BUT due to the HCG trigger shot, I will probably ovulate for the first time in history!

Speaking of the HCG trigger shot...


HCG stands for human chorionic gonadotropin and these hormone injections are used to stimulate ovulation when there are mature follicles waiting to be released. Due to my disease, I have follicles but they typically don't release on their own, getting absorbed into the lining of my ovaries thereby producing the polycystic (many cysts) lumpy look rather than the smooth exterior appearance of a normal ovary. This shot is given intramuscularly, which means the needle must be at least 1-1/2 inches long to get down deep enough to hit muscle past the subcutaneous layer. If you know me, you know needles make me deathly ill. Want to know the real kicker to this situation? Gil has to administer the shot himself!

Yep, my husband got to stick a long, sharp needle into my hip/upper buttock area and I had to let him. I almost didn't. Seriously, I was laying somewhat on my side and he was getting ready to go for it when I sat up and said it's not worth it. Seriously? Because of my extreme sweat break-out and desire to throw up a day's worth of stomach contents, it's not worth a shot to try and ovulate to help conception?!?! I sucked it up and submitted, and I barely felt anything, even though he was shaking so hard he stuck me twice! Poor guy.

So there we are... I have 3 good follicles and have now been injected with drugs to hopefully make them release their eggs. Now we just wait for the fun stuff.

Growing Follies

I had my ultrasound today to check on the quantity and growth rate of my follicles (those things that house the eggs in the ovary). I have 3 of good size, 18, 15, and 13 mm. The local nurse tells me they grow at a rate of 1 mm/day; my RE's nurse tells me this is actually 2 mm/day. Regardless of how much per day they grow, they're ready to be released. As soon as FedEx delivers my medication tomorrow, we can do the shot that will trigger ovulation and our IUI will be scheduled for this weekend.

Invisible Illness Awareness Week

There are people in my life who suffer from chronic illnesses such as fibromyalgia, diabetes, chronic back pain, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc... illnesses that are painful and debilitating but have no outward physical signs, thereby "invisible". They don't have wheelchairs to outwardly justify to others that it's okay to park in a handicapped spot. They suffer mainly in silence, as it is generally taboo to speak of an illness with no obvious outward signs. Most of these illnesses have no hope of a "cure" and though symptoms may be treated, the disease will never go away. This week is a week set aside to bring awareness to Invisible Illnesses such as these.

Jenni Sa.ake suffers from many chronic illnesses and last year wrote about another invisible one that a lot of people overlook... infertility. I really encourage you to click on this link to read her blog post.

Jenni authored the book "Hann.ah's Hope", a book that put into words everything I did and continue to feel about being infertile and barren. It made my feelings feel justified rather than crazy and unfounded. I "accidentally" discovered the book while looking through the bargain bin at a Christian bookstore. God brought the book to me as I was finishing the 4th (and what I thought then to be the final round) of Clo.mid and was spiraling into a depression with thoughts of never getting pregnant, never becoming a parent, never seeing my husband's gorgeous blue eyes in our son's face. I encourage anyone who wants to know how to support someone they know and love who suffers from infertility to seek out and read her book, "Hann.ah's Hope".

I also encourage you to visit the Invisible Illness Week website for more information about chronic invisible illnesses.

Clo.mid Insanity... Again

It's been 2 years since my last experience with Clo.mid. From September 2007 through January 2008, we went through 4 cycles of Clo.mid (and progesterone) with each cycle of Clo.mid increasing in dosage from 50-100-100-150.

I say "we" went through 4 cycles because my poor, dear, understanding husband got to experience (read: suffer) the mood swings, the ovarian cramping, the hot flashes, and the eventual deep, dark ugly depression right along with me. God bless him for holding me through all the tears and angry, fist-shaking rants at God. God bless him for saying he still loves me. God blessed me.

We're at it again. On September 8th, I began a cycle of 100 mg. And I'm sweating like a pig.

Season Opener

Ste.elers win!!! In typical Ste.eler fashion, it didn't get really exciting until the last 5 minutes... and ended up in overtime. Since moving, we haven't purchased any dish or cable packages and we have only one - yes, a single - antenna tv channel. I was so happy this game was broadcast on our lone channel.

As happy as I was that we did, ultimately, win the game, I about scared Gil and the furbabies right out of their skins when I jumped and screamed when Hin.es fumbled that ball. Yikes. Poor guy. He just doesn't typically allow things that sloppy to happen. I felt his devastation.


Yay Ste.elers!! We're off to another great football season!

Amid the Silent Sorority

As I gear up to start my cycle and the medication clomiphene (clomid) this weekend, this article on what it's like to suffer in the "Silent Sorority" touches my heart on levels most women and couples will never have to think about. It is a bit of a sorority, as we cling to others who are experiencing the rotten disease because they are the only ones who can understand what we're going through. I highly encourage you to read it... as I can write no more today due to the tears running down my cheeks.

Infertility: Amid the Silent Sorority
written by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

Slave Labor

And we are the slaves... to our dogs! :) Two weekends ago, my parents came and helped us pour the concrete forms for the patio border where we're putting the outdoor kennels. This weekend, we had to finish what we started.

Saturday, we poured 37 bags of concrete for a walking path to get from "our" patio to the dogs' patio.


Also on Saturday, we filled the patio area with a sand/gravel mix and leveled it out before laying concrete pavers to fill it in. Of course, these pictures neglect to show the 2 loads of gravel I myself went and shoveled and hauled Friday night, only showing the 1-1/2 Gil did Saturday morning! :)

We brushed the concrete walkway to provide better traction in slippery weather.

Our home improvement store of choice neglected to give us the entire amount of pavers we paid for and we ran out with 6 rows left to lay Saturday afternoon. We went in to pick them up and due to a computer glitch, they ended up only having 4 in stock. Luckily, their competition had the same product and we were able to finish the project Sunday.


All this just to have a place for them to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, they live indoors with us!

Sunday, after we finished the patio, we got to work on the fence. Well, Gil got to work on the fence while I did some laundry and other indoor chores. Then I went out and finished helping him with the fence. We had to section off a portion of the backyard so the dogs would have a fully enclosed place to run. We no sooner got the gate latched before we brought them outside... they were so excited, they ran circles around the yard for a full half-hour before settling down to a mere trot!


The things we do for the love of our dogs.

Birthday Shout-Out

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, B!!!

Today is my goddaughter's birthday. I haven't sent a card or even got my gift together yet because this has been the year that I have forgotten to do that for just about everyone in my life. It's been a crazy rollercoaster ride of a summer and my mind is spacier than I ever thought it could be. It's so out of character for me and I hate that. However, I have not forgotten the people who are special to me and their special days.

B is 6 years old today. She is 5 1/2 years cancer free. She is a special little girl to so many people but for me, she's special for different reasons. It may help that her mom and I have been friends since day care but, also, B came at a time in my life where it was hard to be around babies and small children. My diagnosis of PCOS came 7 1/2 years ago and Gil and I met almost 6 years ago. I've been infertile all of B's life (yikes!) but it has never been difficult for me to be around B (and now her little brother) as it has been for me to be around other littles. I don't know why. It's definitely a God thing.

B - it's been a pleasure to be a part of your life and to watch you growing up. Happy Birthday, Sun Spot!

4 years ago, at my engagement party.

3 years ago as my flowergirl in our wedding.

This summer watching a parade, after playing dress-up with another friend's girls that morning.

Let's Get It On!

My RE's office called today. The OB/GYN Dr. M. talked to has agreed to work with him on our case! We're on for proceeding this cycle! Never thought I'd take a team approach of greater than two people to try getting pregnant!

Jeep Ja.mboree

Gil's and my vacation this year was Jeep related, not Harley. A local 4x4 group in the city we recently moved from hosted a first annual Jam in a mountain range close by. We had hoped to be trail guides for the weekend but with moving, we weren't able to make any of the pre-Jam trips to learn the trails. Oh well. We were so gosh-darned excited to go as regular participants, anyway! What Stur.gis is to bikers, Jeep Jam's are to Jeepers. It was so cool to be with so many various types of people sharing a common interest.

It feels funny to classify my Jeep with a feminine pronoun, but here she is in all her glory!

One of the lakes we skirted. A month ago, we'd have been driving right through it. We heard that stock rigs would be susceptible to floating and possibly going down the waterfall. Due to the lateness of the season, the water level had gone down too much.

Following the leader.

The picture doesn't do the obstacle justice... it was actually one of the tougher ones we had to traverse and you can see a little bit of her awesome articulation. The stock rigs had difficulty going through the deep ruts and boulders.

After all the mud of the day, we had to wash the Jeep. If you don't want to get wet, I suggest putting your top on first. We didn't and we got drenched. Then we turned around and did it again so I could have someone take a picture. It was awesome!

Infertility Update

Two posts ago, I mentioned that I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist and Infertility Specialist last week. We had a long, great visit and discussed the nature of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), as well as the other issues that can arise from amenorrhea and anovulation. That is why we proceeded with the endometrial biopsy, which showed only proliferative endometrium. The endometrium proliferates under the influence of estrogen, which my body abnormally regulates and erroneously believes it makes too much of. So, this is an expected condition due to the nature of PCOS.

Dr. M was a bit confused and possibly upset that my OB/GYN discontinued my use of metformin two years ago. Her reasoning: it wasn't working because I wasn't ovulating. His reason for staying on it is because the metformin works against the insulin issues related to PCOS (no, I'm not diabetic nor have "abnormal" insulin levels) and is crucial for my cardiac and vascular health. So, I'm back on it, despite the GI upset.

Due to my normal state of amenorrhea (lack of menstruation), Dr. M. wants me to start taking progesterone again, to induce a withdrawal bleed. Then, our plan is, I will resume clomid to aid in follicle (egg) growth. Two weeks into my cycle, I will have an ultrasound to determine growth rate of those follicles and based on that rate, they can determine when they'd be at the optimal size for ovulation. Then, I will have an HCG trigger shot to induce ovulation... yes, they can "make" me ovulate! It'll probably be the first time ever in my life! Wahoo! Then it's insemination time.

We received Gil's latest test results yesterday, which confirm the need for proceeding with IUI. His results aren't drastic enough to warrant IVF, which we wouldn't do anyway. We don't believe in making babies in petri dishes. IUI allows fertilization to take place as it normally would internally and naturally (with a bit of help in separating the good, strong swimmers from the non-motiles).

Dr. M. is going to talk with an OB/GYN closer to where I live and see if they can't work together on my case. I should know about more about that by next week. But as it is, we're proceeding with IUI this cycle, THIS cycle! Which means we could potentially be pregnant by mid-September! Dr. M. actually told me that there should be no physical reason why we can't get pregnant. I thought I'd lost all hope of conceiving until he said that... but I'm feeling hopeful again. I know it's in God's hands and the outcome has already been determined, but we both feel this is the way we're being led.

Happy Anniversary

Three wonderfully blessed and happy years as husband and wife.
I love you, Baby.

Busy Month

Once again, I find myself apologizing for my lack of blogging... this month has just been so busy. We've been spending every spare minute trying to unpack. I haven't even begun to decorate yet... no pictures on the walls and you know that drives me absolutely batty! I considered writing several posts and backdating them, one for each subject of our lives, but I'm too tired for that right now.

We're enjoying the new house, even with the hardships a new used home offers. Our irrigation pipe burst, we had to take down cupboards to get our fridge in, we had to set off bug bombs, have propane delivered on a Saturday after waking to cold showers, replacing the water heater, etc. etc. Gil's also had to go out of town for work, as have I, and now we're taking off for a Je.ep Jam.boree this weekend and he's out in the shop right now slaving away on finishing the fabrication of the custom cargo rack he's making and getting the air system and CB antenna hooked up. We have to be moved in enough to host four guests from Germany in September for three weeks.

Adoption update... we have the social worker from our new county of residence coming tomorrow to do our home inspection so our fost-adopt licence can be updated. Our old social worker has not answered her call to send our file over... from a request three weeks ago! I told her today to call his supervisor. She wanted to reschedule our meeting for tomorrow but decided to go ahead and keep it because our schedule is so wacky right now. Thank goodness; I didn't want to wait any longer.

Infertility update... I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist and Infertility specialist last week. It was an event that was both refreshing and stressful. We had a great hour-long consultation and he seems to think we should not have any problem getting pregnant by IUI, which is something he wants to aim for doing in September already. Because of my amenorrhea, he performed an endometrial biopsy to make sure I don't have any abnormal cell growth in my uterus. Apparently, all I have is "proliferative endometrium" which is an expected state when you don't regularly menstruate. All my labs are normal, which isn't something I'm used to hearing.

Basic health update... I've had a numbness in the medial part of my left foot for the past three weeks or so. Because of my existing sciatic and low back issues, I assumed it was just a flare-up. I saw an orthopedist last week and he essentially confirmed the relation. Since it's just numbness and a bit of swelling and I don't have any weakness or anything, there's really nothing that can be done. I just have to take 800 mg ibuprofen three times a day. Well... due to that, in part, I think, when I turned to grab a falling baby gate from going down the stair, I tripped and ripped one of my toenails back. I have a very tiny sliver of it left but I essentially now have a naked toe. However, the numbness also masked a lot of the pain that would normally be associated with such an event so I guess I'm thankful for that.

I think that's enough for now. More to come soon.

Tip: Paint After Unpacking

We had some great help from friends and family moving our things out of storage and into our new home and we are so deeply appreciative of that. There are just some things, though, that only we ourselves can do. Gil had to travel on business this week and is just getting home tonight; I've been trying to get things unpacked in our main living area, adjusting to working with our new internet and having to work late due to work demands, and painting. It's been a lonely but extremely busy week.

In retrospect, the painting could've waited. Gil thought it'd be easier to paint our bedroom prior to moving any furniture in rather than having to move it all out to paint later. Okay, I get that. So I spent Monday night unpacking the kitchen, but then spent Tuesday night, last night, and tonight painting. 2 coats down and I'm sitting here crying. It's streaky and you can see overlap lines, parts are way darker than others.

Gil came home tonight and told me it's the curse of dark color. He, however, neglected to get me paint with primer in it. I suspect it will take at least two-three more nights and possibly that many more coats to get it all evened out. I hope it's worth it. Right now, I'm feeling it's been a complete waste of time. I could've spent these past three nights emptying boxes instead of breaking my back and getting a kink in my neck wielding a paintbrush and roller.

It's Ours

Well... after six weeks and filling out all this paperwork...


... and signing even more paperwork...


... it's finally ours! Our new home!


Now comes the unpacking and trying to settle in amidst two months packed chock full of plans and activities. We may not have gotten much of a summer but coming home makes it all worth it.

Ugly Disease

I have PCOS. I have probably had PCOS since I was 11 and started menarche. I most definitely had PCOS when I was 18 and bled for a solid month and a half but my doctor just told me I was obese and needed to lose weight. That was 80 pounds ago. Then I was diagnosed and treated for hypothyroidism (low thyroid) and told I'd be on medication for that the rest of my life. It stopped 4 years later. I was finally diagnosed with PCOS when I was 26. It was a fluke. My doctor thought I had something wrong with my pituitary gland because I had high prolactin but wasn't lactating so she sent me in for a head MRI and then to an endocrinologist (doctor for gland disorders). He ignored the films even though they showed a pituitary microadenoma (small tumor) and instead just wanted to talk. He actually honestly listened to me about how my body had acted for the previous 15 years.

Gil and I have been trying to conceive for 4 1/2 years now so we knew going in we'd have problems. Given that, we didn't think we'd still be childless after all the doctor's visits, charting, pills, ultrasounds, blood tests, ovulation predictor tests, and surgery that have happened since.

But we are.

Childless.

We're essentially starting from scratch next month, almost as though we've wasted all those years. In August, I will go back to the endocrinologist who first diagnosed me. I will also go to an REI (reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialist), the first one in our region. Hopefully a new and more aggressive plan of attack will be made and carried out. And hopefully I can be given a different medication that doesn't make me have to hover around a bathroom all day. That seriously impacts a person's desire to have a social life.

Moving Day... Almost

This past week was, well, let's just say there were a lot of frustrations. We found out Wednesday evening that we were not going to sign/close on our house Thursday as planned. Our loan agent "forgot" he didn't need to go through the process to procure a certificate we already had, delaying our whole process by a week. Fortunately, however, the seller had already agreed to let us move our stuff out of our storage unit and into our new shop so we didn't have to pay another full months' rent on our unit for a single day's use. So our plans to move this weekend went forth as planned, we just had to put everything in the shop rather than the house, which means we get to move again from shop to house this coming weekend when we finally do sign/close.

Then... we find out that one of the trailers we were planning to use could no longer be used and, while we still had another one to use in addition to ours, we'd have to make a 2nd trip and use a 2nd day. So while we're getting the trailers ready Thursday night, we discover this:

Thankfully, we discovered the tire an hour before the service center closed and we were able to buy and have mounted a new one. Three's a charm so we headed out Friday morning and loaded our storage unit onto the two trailers and then unloaded them. Saturday morning, we repeated the process with most of the stuff stored in my parents' garage.

We filled this - to the max - twice:


We filled this once with the big stuff and once with the Jeep Willys:


This is what we all felt like at the end of Day 1:


That's my dad. Can you imagine how we felt at the end of Day 2? Yeah... totally exhausted. Ready for a foot soak and bed. Moving in two 95+ degree days... ugh. It'll be worth it when we can officially call it "home" next weekend.