Not My Ways

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed."
(Psalms 34:19 NAB)

I'm both struggling and desiring to have the same faith as David. It's been a rough week.

My friend, Thelma at "Life as Two", wrote this post earlier this week that so eloquently sums up all the feelings jumbling around inside me. She has been blessed with the gift of prose, of putting into words things I've yet to figure out how to even vocalize. I have the same issues she describes about my career... because at some point in the past 5-7 years, it has become a career rather than just a "job". It's definitely not what I planned for my life but it is something I've been given to keep my life occupied in the absence of other things. I have a good career, I have people who look to me for problem-solving and advice, I have managers who encourage me to expand even further, I've had coworkers try to get me to apply to be their supervisor (never!) and, for the most part, I think I'm really good at what I do. It's just not what I want to do. And I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with having to do it every day.

Here's something Thelma said in her post:

In Isaiah 55:8-9, God says,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD."

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Not the plan. Not my plan, at least. Not our plan. Our ways aren’t His.
It boggles my mind that my life is not upside down or backwards to Him. As much
as it feels like a jumbled mess, He’s pulling it all together.

I really encourage you to click here to read her entire post to get a better understanding of where all this is coming from.

Path to Insanity

I'm sorry. Again. Seems like all I'm doing lately is apologizing for not writing on my blog. There's just so much going on. The whole moving thing disrupted our already chaotic life. Now we're looking for house and land to buy while we're still living here and it's difficult to "see" what we're looking at. Specs that look good on paper don't always look so good in person.

Gil's job is going great... except for the fact that it takes him from me every week. It'll be better once we move and he can actually come home some evenings. But for now, he's working there and living here so he stays there during the week. In the midst of packing, it leaves me feeling a little lonely and overwhelmed, despite the outpouring of offers to help from friends who are already missing me. (I'm already missing them, too. The worst part about moving is leaving my friends here.)

I've been very lucky to be able to retain my job. They're going to let me keep my current duties and work remotely from home on a "trial" basis. If it ends up not working so well being off-site, we'll look for other duties I can perform without having to have so much person-to-person contact. As it is, I already have to plan for at least 4 trips back just through the summer. Ugh. But I'm grateful that I don't have to look for work on top of everything else.

The biggest thing that happened this week is the laparoscopy and tubal dye study I had yesterday. I was more freaked about having to have an IV than I was about the actual procedure. We have a brand new outpatient surgery facility and it was nice to be able to test it out and see it for myself. It's a beautiful facility and I love the care I received. Truth be told, I was really hoping for a positive pg test so I wouldn't actually have to go through the procedure, but it was negative (no real surprise there). They had this really cool gown for me to wear. It was discardable, sure, but it could be hooked up to a heater (think hair dryer) that pumped warm air all through it to keep me warm. I told Gil I needed one for home! Talk about being pampered! Then the anesthesiogist came and talked with me and I really liked him. He said I probably wouldn't remember anything of my time in the "induction" room before surgery but I do and I told him afterward that he was a liar for saying that. I remember absolutely everything up to the point of my 6th "deep breath" after laying on the operating table.

I went in at 9:45 and was only in there for about an hour; Gil was able to bring me home by 1:30 in the afternoon. I really disliked coming out of that anesthetic fog and I was pretty droopy... I slept until 6:30 last night before I felt like I could stay awake for any length of time. They put little Snoopy bandaids on my incision sites, and they're just a bit sore today. No major pain... my arms and shoulders were a bit sore last night but that's now cut back to just the shoulders. The shoulder pain is due to the amount of gas blown into my abdominal cavity pressing my diaphragm up into my lungs and therefore pressing everything up against my shoulder region. I have some dye stains on some unmentionable areas that I worked on cleaning this morning (mostly to no avail). Because the dye was blue, Gil said it looked like I "ate some smurfs and got the squirts!" Sorry if that's TMI!!! I'm grounded to the house today, though; Gil's at work but I've had two friends already stop in and Gil brought home lunch, mom's called a couple of times, so now I've been checked on plenty and I'm ready for a nap as soon as I publish this post.

Findings of the procedure, you ask? Not much. One of my fallopian tubes had a difficult time allowing any flow through and something was odd with the fimbria, but it sounds like she worked on it 'til she got the dye to flow more freely through it. My ovaries are about as nasty as to be expected with my very stereotypical PCOS. Sorry, the findings were discussed with Gil while I was out so I don't have anything more specific than that. I asked him if she said anything about endo and she didn't, so I'm assuming I don't have any... which is good. I know it's good, but it's all somewhat bittersweet. I like not having any (bad) additional findings but I hate not knowing what's causing the pain and abnormal bleeding. Oh well. I'll focus on the fact that it's good news.

Guess I'd better contact our social worker, too. I haven't let him know we're moving yet. Been putting it off because I don't want any adoption possibilities to be put on hold. Ergh. Hopefully, we'll find a house right away and get re-inspected and back on the list as soon as possible.

Lost in Chaos

Wow. I do believe this is the longest absence I've had from blogging. And here I swore to be better this month... and the month is almost over. Needless to say, life has been extremely chaotic of late.

Gil has been looking for a new job since Christmas, something more in line with his ethical business beliefs and personal morals. Positions for his level of education and experience are difficult to come by, as are most any type of job in this economy. Almost 3 weeks ago, Gil's boss from a short-lived job he had last summer called him out of the blue, said he knew he was looking for work and to come talk with him. On the spot, Gil was offered a position that was too good to pass up and it means we will be moving closer to my family. We are sad to be leaving the home, family and friends we have here, but are excited for this next leg of our journey.

(** As is my way, I will give no specific identifying information on my blog about names or locations and I would appreciate anyone leaving comments who know us and where we're moving to please not write about it. Thank you. **)

I had to talk with my own boss about my position and I gratefully and thankfully can say that they are working with me to allow me to keep my job and work remotely from home. I am very blessed and do not take this for granted.

Gil started training with his new job this week and in the midst of that, we began to try and find realtors to list with for the sale of our home. We met with two on Tuesday and were supposed to meet with another last night and another on Monday before making our choice. Again, through the grace of God and His expeditious ways, the cousin of one of my co-workers was looking seriously to buy and we had them over last night to look at the house. We made a buy-sell deal on the spot so... we've already sold our house! Before we even had a chance to list it! Yay!

Now we're working with a separate realtor where we're moving to find a small piece of land on which to build our house! Yes, we're planning to build! We drew our plans ourself and are so excited to be able to see it come to fruition. We have another crazy, busy year ahead of us. Then, hopefully, we will start to feel more settled into our lives and can start living without constant change.

The biggest downside to all this is that it will put our adoption(s) on hold. They won't place with us if we're homeless, which is essentially what we'll be until our new home is finished enough to pass inspections. I'm still on track, however, for having my lap surgery to see if I have endometriosis or not and I'm still requesting a referral to the new REI starting in July. So we're not totally delaying everything in trying to grow our family.

And with that, I'm off to finish packing up my books. I may be lucky to have only 2 boxes left... lots and lots of books. Then it's off to all the pictures. Whew!

Renewed Batteries

It has been such a weekend of renewal, relaxation and recharging. We've been laying low, hanging out, and recharging our batteries. Gil worked as a mechanic rather than a manager Friday afternoon, replacing the brakes on a big commercial vehicle. His back is part of his medical disability from the Army and it was sure hurting by the time he came home Friday night. He couldn't walk well or do much Saturday morning, so he stayed laid up on the couch with me feeding him ibuprofen, water, and heat. I relaxed all day Friday, working on our wedding album (only a couple of years overdue) and planned an evening for pizza and a movie. While Gil watched the Gri.z game Saturday, my friend F came over and we shared what we've been able to do with our wedding albums and I was happy to see that we've made about the same amount of progress. Of course, she's doing it the old-fashioned scrapbooking way and I'm shamed to admit that I only feel a little guilt that I'm not doing that. I'm going the more digital route and making a photo book online.

Gil and I went to Mass last night and then out to dinner. Despite the crowds of a Saturday evening on the town, we were able to discuss our menu plan and other details for the coming Thanksgiving weekend. We came home to feed the dogs and do grocery inventory before heading to brave grocery shopping. We only went shopping at 10:00pm because we wanted to indulge in a lazy Sunday morning. Today, we had a great morning of sleeping in and then making omelets for breakfast. As I type this, football is on tv, the dogs are snoozing in various open floor spots throughout the house, and we're getting ready to do some small chores around the house.

I feel so much better and my mind in a happier place than it's been for the past week or two. I don't know what changed the tides, but thank you for the prayers if you offered them.

We have a busy week ahead of us and I apologize if I don't post as often. I'm excited for my parents to come to share the Thanksgiving celebration. We're going to be decorating for Christmas next weekend. Tomorrow is Monday and back to work. I'm going to face it with a better attitude.

Hidin' Out

For the last two days, I have been "playing hooky" from work, hiding out in the dark at home. Yes, the shades are drawn. Yesterday was beautiful outside, sunny and warm, temps around 70. Just one day of it before it started trying to spit snow today and I was bundled up with a blanket inside. I'd like to say that I should've spent some time taking advantage of the weather by hopping on my bike but I really should've been at work.

Sunday, I started feeling sad again. I think it actually started with going to Mass Saturday night. Church just isn't a peaceful place for me anymore. Monday brought work and my dissatisfaction with work at the present time does not help matters at all. The headache started, then the nausea and vomiting... I left work an hour early and just couldn't get myself to go in yesterday. I felt so sick... and this headache doesn't like light. Today, too. I think I stress myself out so bad emotionally that it takes root physically.

I'll be fine. It's just part of the IF cycle. It comes on strong like this about every two months or so and has for the past two years. It'll pass and then it'll be back to normal, normal being the constant dull throb but bearable. I'm just worried that this one will last longer than the 4-7 days because the holidays are coming. It all starts next week and then it's only one short month away from Christmas... the most wonderful time of the year.

I didn't want to post; didn't want to write something so dire but I have nothing exciting in me today and I didn't want to go for a whole week without posting. Funny how I've made such a commitment to this blog.

First Day of Autumn

I meant to write yesterday but I got sick again.  From yesterday evening around 7:00 until this afternoon around 1:30, I spent about 20 minutes of every hour to hour and a half in the bathroom.  Major TMI here, but I don't think I've ever experienced diarrhea so bad.  I got maybe a total of an hour of sleep last night.  I'm so tired and sore right now.  This "illness" has now been going since last Wednesday... it started with a sinus headache and nausea, progressed to extreme body aches and migraines, sore throat... the migraine persisted throughout the weekend as well as extreme loss of appetite.  Then last night... Ugh.  I'm feeling better this evening and I was actually able to eat dinner.  

Anyway, here's the update from this weekend... our adoption class went much better this past Saturday than it did a week ago.  There was a lot more interaction and it wasn't so depressing.  They also brought in a panel of people to give their stories... a birthmom who has been reunified with her children, a 19 y/o boy currently in foster care and his foster mom, and a couple who has adopted their niece's 5 children.  We also met our social worker... sorry, our "family resource specialist".  He's a nice guy... sarcastic and dry... my kind of humor!  We're to call him one week from today to set up the appointment for our first home visit.  The additional 6 hours of training we're required to take for adoption are not scheduled yet, probably not for another 3-4 months, but they only have to be completed prior to finalization of any potential adoption so we've got plenty of time there.  Things are moving along!  

Gil started a new job today.  Sorry if we haven't shared news of this new opportunity with you yet.  He was offered a position and it was too good for him to pass up.  He is now the "General Manager" for a local automotive repair/maintenance business.  His first day went very well.  He's really excited and energetic about the work he'll be doing.  He's managing two shops and will frequently be driving between locations on either end of town.

I cannot believe it's autumn already.  The weather sure changed with the equinox.  I love the changing seasons but they seem to happen so fast.  I almost feel as though we didn't get to fully enjoy summer this year.  Now we're just barely two months away from the holiday season.

Oh, to be of Celtic origin...

This past Saturday, we had our annual meeting with the Patriot Guard Riders. We met for registration and then went on a couple of short rides from town and then took a plaque of honor to a widow whose husband (a WWII purple heart veteran) recently passed away. Then we had our meeting and social time. One of the couples we were talking to were a man who had served in Germany and his wife who is from there; it was familiar for Gil to hear the German accent. I noticed a pin on the man's vest; it looked like bagpipes so I asked him if he piped. He said, "Yeah, that's what the license plate on my bike stands for." The plate says "piper". Being on a motorcycle, I had assumed it was for motorcycle pipes... y'know... loud pipes save lives and that whole business. Nope. It was Scottish bagpiping! Go figure. I said something about how cool it was that he piped and he said his wife was a drummer. I then asked if they were going to be performing at the Highland Games this coming weekend. I've been planning to go for a couple of weeks now but it'll be fun to watch someone we know.

Our city is hosting its first ever Highland Games this weekend and I'm so excited to go. I've never been to the ones held closer to my hometown but I have been to a huge Celtic Festival when I lived in Connecticut. I know that I haven't been raised in many of the traditions of any of my heritages, but I have always been drawn to them... so naturally, I am always interested in anything Celtic, whether Irish or Scottish.

Speaking of Scottish things, I'm taking a few minutes before falling asleep each night to do some pleasure reading. By that, I mean fiction. Most of my current reading is either work or adoption related. Anyway, I'm reading The Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon. I'm currently on the third book (of six), titled "Voyager". These books are "historical fantasy" set in 18th century Scotland and I don't recommend them for the faint of heart or easily disturbed. There are vivid descriptions of evil and sinful sexual perversions and atrocities, as well as descriptions of the wars and rigors of daily life 200 years ago, but they are so few and far between, it's easy to forget about it. The adventurous love story of the two main characters make it easy for me to become lost in a time warp when I'm reading.

This post is mostly odd ramblings because nothing much is really going on. I'm so busy at work right now, with our fiscal year end being June 30th. I have been able to get some things off my desk this week but I still have 4 of those 10 audits remaining, more research projects assigned, and a new physician to educate starting July 3rd. It's definitely never-ending but I guess that's job security. I'm actually sitting on the couch right now after working an hour and a half late tonight (which makes a normal 10-hour work day 12 hours) and rushing home to make dinner for a hungry husband. I should be cleaning the house as we have friends coming over for dinner tomorrow but I just don't have the energy to get up and move around. Karma has decided that the 3 months we spent working on getting her to sleep later (until 5:30!) wasn't worth it and has gone back to waking up at 4:00! Yikes. I hope you all have been enjoying some nice weather after the long rainy, spring season we had. I tell ya, it's sure been fun being able to ride the Harley to work every day!