It's a Long Way...

to the Top!

Just 'cause it's frickin' awesome and I felt the need for a little A.C/D.C break.

Looking for Answers

I love Thi.rd Day. They are one of my all-time favorite bands, Christian or otherwise. This song totally fits my mood for this week. I'll leave it to them to tell you... their words are so much better than mine.

Revelation
by Thi.rd Day

My life has led me down a road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem to be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go, Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

I've got nothing without You

Casting Crowns, Pt. II

I've been mulling over numerous and various thoughts for the past week or so, especially since the Casting Crowns concert. A few posts ago, I brought notice to a scripture that jumped out at me from my Stepping Stones newsletter:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~ 2 Cor 12:9-10 NIV ~

During the concert while Mark (Hall, lead singer) was talking at one point, he mentioned this scripture within his own personal witness. It just startled me to hear it... I know it's a popular scripture but twice in one week from two completely different sources in unexpected ways? I know I'm being asked to delight in my "weakness", to see my infertility as a gift. But how do I do that? I don't know that I'll ever see it as a gift but I do know in my head that we're meant to be exactly where we are, waiting for children that He created for us to parent and love. But infertility is not a gift. It's a gut-wrenching pain and heartache.

Then Mark and the rest of Casting Crowns sang one of my favorite songs, "Praise You in this Storm." Here are the lyrics to the first half of the song:

I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say, "Amen", and it's still
raining.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm
with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who
gives and takes away.

I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands,
for You are who You are no matter matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You
hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will
praise You in this storm.

And I cried.

At another point in the concert, Mark began to talk about Abraham and how great his faith was... how God asked him to obey him and prove his faith and honor by sacrificing (yes, killing) his own son whom he'd waited decades to become a daddy to. And he was ready to do it. He had the knife at Isaac's throat!

Then it hit me.

Isn't that exactly what God is asking of Gil and me? To sacrifice our child(ren)? Or at least the dream of becoming pregnant with our child(ren).

And I cried again.

If this is a test of my faith, I don't know if I'm doing so well. Because I'm kicking and screaming and trying to hold on to that dream with all my might. At the same time, you gotta give me credit for being able to still hope that it just might happen... it's been three and a half years and a couple of not very encouraging diagnoses from my doctor. I feel the death and mourn the loss of our child every time AF rears her ugly head... or when she doesn't rear it and I have to suffer through a negative HPT.

Then again, I ask myself "who am I?" Who am I to think that God would hear my cry and answer my plea to have this burden lifted? He didn't even do it for His own Son (remember Jesus in the Garden?). Jesus sat there crying and pleading, asking to be saved from suffering the crucifixion. Jesus suffered because He loves us, loves me, so much. Do I love Him enough to deal with my own suffering and let the dream go?

I'm having a really hard time with IF this week. I'm trying to figure out why. I think having the door to diagnosis/treatment at PPVI close on us is really hurting me. I also think being able to do nothing in the way of anything about our adoption absolutely stinks. You'd think with all the children needing mommies and daddies that they'd be rushing to get us trained and approved. I just hate being stagnant when I'm so excited to do something, especially when it goes against my will.

There it is again, those two little words, laughing at me: my will. This pain I'm dealing with is because of my will... my desire to get and be pregnant, to go through the birthing process, to hold in my arms a creation who's half me and half Gil, a soul created from our love for each other. I just have to go against my will and let that dream go, deal with that loss and move on. Plain and simple, right? So straight-forward.

It's not... and I'm struggling really bad with it right now. I'm sorry for the rambling. I had all these abstract thoughts I wanted to write down but no clear way of how. Everything is so jumbled and confused in my brain, in my heart. Seems to be the story of my life lately.

I was talking excitedly with a friend today about our adoption plan and then about the door closing on trying to conceive at this point in time. I received a couple of the typical responses... "God has a plan"... "it's meant for a reason"...

Yeah, I know! Knowing that there's a "greater plan" or a "reason" for our infertility does NOT make it any easier to deal with. Sheesh! Would you tell someone who was dying from cancer that they had it for a reason? Or someone whose baby has been murdered that it was all in God's plan and for His purpose?

Again, I'm sorry. Just having a bad day... bad week...

Please keep me in your prayers. Don't worry about my faith; it'll remain there. It's my heart that's hurting the most right now.

Casting Crowns

Here are a few pictures from our night out to see Casting Crowns! It was a phenomenal experience and a fabulous concert! They're just awesome to see perform and be able to praise God with. I'll write more later but wanted to add a post so you knew I was still alive!

Here's a local band from our area, Tracing Days. They opened for Casting Crowns.

CASTING CROWNS

I'm a winner!

I never win. I can play the lottery, join in on a football pool, enter contests, whatever, and I never win! I'm just not lucky that way. Last Monday (July 14th), I received an email from JCTV, a Christian music tv station, telling me that they were giving away free tickets to a Casting Crowns concert that's being held in a neighboring city this coming Friday (July 25th). All I had to do was email my name, phone number, address, and a picture of our front door to the tv station. They were going to draw for tickets on the 20th and said they would notify the winner by email. I never received an email so I figured, as usual, that I wasn't the winner. I picked up the mail after work today and found an envelope addressed to me from JCTV. I thought it was really sweet of a tv station to send consolation letters to the losers... how very Christian of them! So I open it while sitting at the same stop light twice - and four tickets to the concert fall out! Wow! I could barely believe it. In just two days, we'll be going to see Casting Crowns! How cool is that?! (For those of you that don't know, Casting Crowns is one of the coolest Christian pop/rock bands on the airwaves. Their song, Praise You In This Storm, is on my playlist... hopefully you have your speakers on to be able to hear it!) 

To my friend, Jen S: Here's a picture of the tickets.  Guess this is as close as you'll get to them now!  :)  Just kidding!  Wish you were going with us.