Scattered Meanderings

I cannot believe this is my first post of 2011. Wow. A month and a half since my last post. I wish I could say nothing much has been happening but that's not the truth. I just really haven't felt like writing.

We started a remodeling project the weekend after Thanksgiving (we're building a master suite upstairs and moving the office downstairs) but we haven't even laid tile on the bathroom floor yet. We've been busy working on it every spare chance we get but between my husband traveling for work, just the plain simple busy-ness of parenting, and the other little things that crop up on weekends, we don't get a lot of time to work. What would've taken us a month to complete "pre-kids", we're now going on almost three months. I can only hope I'm sleeping in a new bedroom by St. Patrick's Day! I can also say that I only hope I can sleep! I haven't been sleeping well (which, sadly, isn't odd for me) and I've been tired and extremely fatigued at all times.

We've also been waiting endlessly for the legal proceedings to move with our kidlets. We finally found out in the middle of January that the judge ruled on the court hearing from December 14th. Yes, a full month after the fact, we finally got results of his order. He ruled in our favor, which should be a GREAT thing. However, yesterday was Day 30 after he signed that order and the last day for their tribe to file an appeal against it. We're waiting to see what gets delivered in the court's mailbox tomorrow. The tribe's Ic.wA specialist called our kids' social worker on Thursday and stated their intent to file so we could be in for many more months of waiting as the supreme (appellate) court does their job of sifting through all the findings.

It's an extreme under-statement to say these past six months have been stressful. It's been stressful on Gil and I as a couple, as individuals, on our parents and my brother... We've canceled our adoption proceeding twice now so I'm really hesitant to even petition for another hearing even if we hear there's no appeal in tomorrow's mail. I have a friend whose son's birth-parents filed their appeal on Day 33... they somehow got a grace period on their 30 days so couldn't that happen to us, too? I've got all these thoughts running through my mind tonight. Tomorrow may be the day... but will it truly be?

The kids' social worker told me today her whole department is on pins and needles to see what happens with our case. They've never seen anything like it, with a tribe filing an appeal against another tribal family all in the name of Ic.wA... especially since the relative fighting for the kids had over 2 years to become licensed and never followed through the 4 different times she said she'd take the kids (or kid, as she was only interested in 1 until she found out we brought all 3 home).

Anyway, the meditation for today's Mass readings has to do with seeking a sign (Mark 8:11-13). Here's an excerpt from "The Word Among Us" for today's meditation:

How about us? Everyone of us is regularly tested by God, as a necessary part of our growth into mature disciples. We can choose to see this testing as a good thing, or we can resist: "Lord, why am I facing this challenging road? Are you sure you want me to do this? Please send me one more sign to convince me that this is Your will!" For us, just as for these Pharisees, stretching our faith muscles can hurt sometimes!

I've never asked for signs from God. I've often asked Him "Why?"... and these past few weeks, I've really become self-indulgent in the wallowing, wondering why Gil's and my path to have children and grow our family larger has been so difficult. First with the infertility (which still isn't over, I don't think) and then with our first social worker and now in this situation with the kids' tribe. I know testing is a good thing in our path to maturity in our spirituality, but honestly, the testing for me has almost had an opposite effect. I haven't grown closer to God, I've grown further away. I've done lots of things to try and force myself closer, knowing I should be doing this or doing that... I've been reading more scripture and more books on spirituality, listening to more and more Christian music, loving the message and believing in it even if I don't feel it... but none of it has really helped. I understand Pas.cal's Wa.ger and I believe it can happen. All I can do is continue trudging on.

And since I mentioned trudging, I now have the movie "A Kni.ght's Tale" in my head. Maybe I should go take my mind on a mini-vacation and watch it.


Skip ahead to 4:50 for the trudging part.

A Blessed Thanksgiving

I am blessed. I am thankful. I am grateful to a God Who has given me everything I need and so much of what I want.

I am blessed.

I am thankful.

I am grateful to have a husband who loves me more than any other human could love another. He loves me when I feel unlovable and he loves me when I act unlovable.

I am grateful to have three beautiful children who bless my every day with their inquisitiveness and hearts overflowing with love. I am grateful to finally hear the word "Mommy" and have it mean ME!

I am grateful to have parents who have always been there for me and will always be there for me and who have taught me what true, unconditional love is all about.

I am grateful for a brother who makes me laugh, who supports me and is there for me and mine in times of need and even in times we don't need (which are way better times, anyway!).

I am grateful for in-laws who love and accept me as one of their own.

I am grateful for a house that has become a home.

I am grateful for all the food I am able to make today (even though I wasn't planning on making anything).

I am grateful for all the men and women who sign up to sacrifice their lives to protect mine. Without them, I wouldn't have much of what I've listed above. I'm honored to be able to say my husband and my father are among them.

I am blessed.

I am thankful.

I am grateful.

And I never forget to pray for those who don't have a fraction of what I do. I ask you to take a moment to lift them in prayer right now, too.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Halfway to Seventy

Now that I've updated the events of August, a month of just being "present" and doing a bunch of fun things, I can start September, an emotional month with many high and lows and much more serious content.

The month began with my birthday which, for the past 4 years, has increasingly become more difficult. I don't mind aging, in and of itself, but it is still a reminder to me of so many things in our lives. This past year of my life brought about my first cavities and receding gumlines, my first pair of reading glasses, and my doctor's serious recommendation for a baseline mammogram. Yay! Can a person be any more excited to have any of those issues to deal with and then have them all come up the same year?! So... I have to heat my soft-bristle toothbrush with hot water prior to brushing, I have to wear my glasses as I look at a computer all day, and I got the girls squished.

But the real difficulty on my birthday is in realizing yet another year of potential fertility has passed us by. It's been over five and a half years of trying to get pregnant. I'm now in the "high risk" and "advanced maternal age" categories if I do, miraculously, become pregnant. My birthday brings with it another year of loved and cherished moments but also takes away another year of availability to try and achieve what most people take for granted. It's always a very bittersweet day and I was so thankful my husband respects my feelings and keeps things relatively subdued for me. I had a great dinner the night before my actual birthday with my parents and some really good friends... a GREAT dinner! But when I awoke the next morning, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. And I did, for a bit. But then I had to wake up and make breakfast, clean, make lunch, clean, make dinner, clean... all in a day's work!

It's Official...

I. Am. A. Dork.

Just in case it was ever in question before, I will admit it now. I've lost my mind! Maybe I've lived in the country too long already after my time as a "city" girl. Maybe I am just alone too much, working from home and staring at a beautiful landscape, yes, but one with just not enough action.

This is the view from my office window... the gorgeousness I get to bask in every day.


Today, I got a major case of the chuckles when I saw a big ol' semi truck (or tractor trailer as some call 'em) driving in reverse (yes, BACKwards) a little over a quarter-mile down our lane from the main road in order to pick up some cattle from the place just east of us.

And I chuckled even harder when I thought to run down and take a picture.


I do realize you can't tell the truck is driving in reverse from this picture; you'll just have to take my word for it. I am impressed by good backing up skills. Even more so when they're done with big rigs like this.

It doesn't take much to amuse me.

I realize I need a longer lens for my camera but this is as close as I could get from a window in the upper level of our home. Cows are being chased up onto the ramp and into the truck. Or, to be more accurate, into the trailer.


Have I mentioned how much I love this old barn? Oops, maybe I haven't mentioned it yet. Here's a link to a picture of the barn from my old photography blog I haven't updated in months. I even like the old water tank on stilts that is actually just on the other side of the fence from our property.


I grew up in the country where we raised our own beef and cut our own hay so this isn't "new" stuff for me. It's just been awhile, I guess. Either that or I really do spend too much time alone out here in the boondocks with nothing terribly exciting going on.

And in a completely un-related matter, we've been dealing with a lot of early daytime fog lately. Unlike a lot of people, I love the fog. It never lasts long and as long as I don't have to drive anywhere, I find it very comforting to be encased and blocked off from everything else around me. Yesterday morning, once it got a bit lighter outside, I had to take a quick break from work to walk outside and snap a few photos of our trees against the fog. I have a thing for trees... don't ask. This is probably one of my faves, though, of the trees just on the other side of the corrals adjoining the barn. I love the fading of color from bottom to top and how the trees are ghosted while the corrals are so stark in the foreground.


Yep... too long in the country. I love it.

Winter's Officially Here

Today's the first day of winter. I haven't blogged since my Musings last week. There will be no Musings today. Life's been busy. Super busy. It's had its ups and it's had its downs... some major ups and downs in the past week alone. That's all I'll say about that.

Christmas is this week. We'll be celebrating with my family. Christmas Eve at my parents and then Christmas Day at our home. I guess I'm officially an adult now; I've started assuming some holiday hosting for the family dinners and get-togethers. I spent tonight baking 5 different treats and cookies, though my molasses cookies didn't turn out. I used a friend's recipe and it turned out nothing like the way she makes them. I was so frustrated I just threw away all the batter/dough. I haven't had a lot of gift wrapping to do because we really scaled back on the gifts we bought and money we spent this year, but I've got everything wrapped and under the tree.

Besides, Christmas isn't about the treats and money spent on gifts. Christmas is about CHRIST. And as distant and angry as I've been with Him over the past few years, I still love Him and still honor the way He came down from heaven in the form of a lowly human to give His life for us... for me.

Comedic Relief

I was daydreaming last night and it took me back to simpler (and seemingly more fun) times. Stella, this one's for you... Remember when we had all those sleepovers and we'd tape record different radio programs? Brian Regan? Flock of meese?! Too dang funny, girl! For some reason, this was much funnier then (somewhere around 5th to 6th grade) but I still laugh my hiney off because of the memories it brings back.

Tito!!

July 18th, Part 3 of 3

A Beautiful Ending...

Saturday was a great day with a beautiful ending. At about 9:30 pm, I made myself an ice cream cone and stepped out the back door to enjoy the fresh air when I encountered this:


Then I had to rush back inside and mess with my camera while trying not to drop my ice cream cone or let it drip everywhere. What a fabulous artist God is.

Frazzled

I think I might make brownies on my lunch break today. Working from home can be good (or dangerous) that way.

April Fools? I wish...

This past week has been interesting, to be sure. For the past three weeks, I've suffered worse pelvic pain than what's been normal over the past year. It was so bad this past Sunday-Tuesday that it made me nauseous to the point of vomiting, as well as causing diarrhea. TMI, I know... I apologize. Tuesday, I ended up calling in sick to work because I couldn't uncurl myself from the fetal position, I felt so sick. I didn't eat until evening because the nausea was so bad I was afraid I'd lose whatever I did eat. (This was also the afternoon I went to the endocrinologist.) The pain lessened yesterday and is totally gone today...

However, the pain is now in my head. Yep, the atrocious headache is back. Ugh. It's definitely light and sound sensitive so I'm trying to really take care of it before it progresses even more and ruins my weekend. I asked my endocrinologist on Tuesday if the headaches could possibly be related to the pituitary microadenoma in my brain (seen on an MRI that led to my PCOS diagnosis). This micro "tumor" has never been re-addressed and I've been told it's pretty irrelevant but... I had to ask. Dr. F basically told me that because of how whacky my hormones are, my body is basically acting like a woman in pre- or peri-menopause. That sure explains the night sweats, but she also said headaches are one of those symptoms, too. I've experienced chronic headaches since about age 12 or junior high, which is when my hormones started going out of control. So... what I'm taking that to mean (hopefully) is once my hormones are under control, I'll stop having headaches. Yay!

Switching gears... Late this afternoon, we were called to the clinic. Gil's uncle had his 3rd chemo infusion this week, was just disconnected this morning, and the nausea and heaving reaction was so bad he had to be rushed back into to have heavy-duty anti-nausea meds infused through his port, and then they pushed 2 bags of fluids w/nutrients to try and rehydrate him. We were there for about 3 hours. By the time he was finished getting liquified, his ears were showing a bit of pink and he was smiling.

In other news... Gil and I have a class on "Therapeutic Parenting" we're attending Saturday. Because of our foster/adopt license, we have to maintain a certain number of continuing education credits related to parenting. Parents who can have children biologically don't have to take classes to learn how to parent but we do. Yet another difference with our infertile lot in life. Y'know the funny thing? Our social worker told us that people can actually get credit for watching Sup.er Nan.ny! How crazy is that?! So that's what we'll be doing all day Saturday. At least we receive credits individually rather than as a couple.

It's just been an interesting week... lots going on.

Honorary Degrees

Honorary Degrees... degrees given to people of some esteem who've done nothing to actually earn them. I have a hard time with them. I don't believe one should receive a degree if they haven't done the work to deserve it.

Pres.ident Ob.ama is going to be the latest recipient of one. I'm not going to post anything political, rep vs. dem or any of that crap because, honestly, I tend to fall somewhere in-between and choose not to ally myself 100% with either party. I will proclaim my stance of being pro-life (all life, not just the unborn). Our current head of state, however, is anything but. It doesn't matter that our soldiers are dying, it doesn't matter that our economy is going to pot, but let's make the right to kill babies in the name of science one of our first acts as leader of this great country. (Please note the dripping sarcasm in that last statement.)

Apparently Not.re Dam.e - one of the most famous Catholic institutions in the U.S. - has asked the prez to speak at its commencement this year and, in addition, are going to grant him an honorary law degree. Doesn't this hugely public honor go against one of the Church's biggest values - the value of life?

Here's a blurb from Fr. Jona.than Mor.ris' blog. I encourage you to click here to read his post in its entirety.

The Catholic Church teaches the defense of the unborn is not just one value among many others, but rather the irreplaceable cornerstone of human rights and social justice. Once you rationalize the killing of an entire class of human beings, all the jumping up and down about other rights should seem rather insincere.

Pope John Paul II put it like this:

“Above all the common outcry, which is justly made on behalf of human rights–for example, the right to health, to home, to work, to family, to culture–is false and illusory if the right to life, the most basic and fundamental right and the condition for all other personal rights, is not defended with the maximum determination.”

This is moral reasoning that respects a hierarchy of values. And with this in mind, in June 2004 the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a statement that speaks directly to what Notre Dame has done:

“Catholic institutions should not honor those who act in defiance of our fundamental moral principles. They should not be given awards, honors or platforms which would suggest support for their actions”.

The question is how Notre Dame Officials can reconcile their choice to honor a president who has rejected — and continues to reject so aggressively — their cornerstone value of the right to life.

Emphasis on the USCCB statement above is added by me.

15 Years Already?!

Monday's Meme

Today's chosen meme is called "I (Through Time)".

I wanna talk about me
I wanna talk about I
I wanna talk about number one, oh my, me, my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see...
(in the words of To.by Ke.ith)

15 years ago (at age 18), I...
1. ... was a freshman in college.
2. ... had dreams that I thought would kill me if I didn’t achieve (hah!).
3. ... was exhibiting bad symptoms of a disease I wasn’t diagnosed with until 10 years later.
4. ... never dreamed of paying over $200 on a monthly car payment. LOL
5. ... drank at my first “kegger” even though it was only 2 wine coolers! Sissy.

10 years ago (at age 23), I...
1. ... had finally quit meandering through jobs after a disappointing college experience.
2. ... had moved in with my best friend and was living “the life”.
3. ... had my first serious boyfriend... and am glad it ended up not working out later.
4. ... managed to lose 70 pounds (wish I could re-discover the secret!).
5. ... got my first tattoo.

5 years ago (at age 28), I...
1. ... had met, fell in love with, and already broke up with my now husband. (Obviously, the break-up didn't last long!)
2. ... learned to appreciate the value of an orange beer while doing yard work in the morning.
3. ... never thought I’d have my own Harley, much less ride one as anything other than a passenger.
4. ... prayed having children wouldn’t be the disastrous journey it has become.
5. ... stepped waaay out of my comfort zone and began singing karaoke.

1 year ago (at age 32), I...
1. ... had fallen into a relatively deep depression following the failure of fertility drugs.
2. ... was simultaneously the most happy woman in the world blessed by the love of her husband.
3. ... had experienced Sturgis in all its biker glory.
4. ... had also experienced watching someone die.
5. ... came to the realization that I could live as far from my family as Greenland and as long as I have my husband, I’d be okay.

Today, I...
1. ... am saddened by the havoc and pain cancer causes not only a patient but their family.
2. ... am saddened that infertility is not a covered disease by insurance carriers.
3. ... am saddened that so many little frozen babies are going to be killed in the name of science.
4. ... am hopeful and anxious for my doctor appointments this month and potentially with a new doctor this summer.
5. ... am still the most happy woman in the world blessed by the love of her husband.

Tomorrow, I...
1. ... hope to continue in my quest to live with joy every day.
2. ... hope to feel rested.
3. ... will re-start my diet.
4. ... hope the snow starts to melt; I’m actually getting spring (Harley) fever.
5. ... will continue praising God.

Courtesy of Lost (and Found) Memes at The Dai.ly Meme.

Finding Joy

I found this article saved in the dregs of my email and thought I'd share it. We always say, "Isn't it funny how God brings something like this into our life right at the exact moment we need it?" But it's not funny. It's God and His perfect timing. For the past week, I've really been dedicated to finding joy in my life despite of or because of the suffering... I have realized that I desire joy with my life just as it is above all else. Yes, even more than having a baby and becoming a parent, I desire joy in Christ and joy in the every day, joy in my life. My definition of joy goes beyond mere happiness... joy is "intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness" and being filled "with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction". I am happy. Every time I look at or think of my husband, I'm even ecstatically happy. But I desire that kind of joy in every part of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Leader.ship Wi.red e-newsletters are great articles and pertain to more than just management... they're really about life and I love reading them when I have a moment to do so. You can click on the link above to subscribe.


Leader.ship Wi.red
VOLUME 11, ISSUE 7

Finding Joy
by Dr. John C. Max.well

The pursuit of happiness. It's one of our unalienable rights spelled out in The Declaration of Independence, but what does it mean to pursue happiness? When so many of us are unhappy and empty, how can we find joy?

To begin with, we must learn to reconcile the ambition to do with a willingness to be.

As change agents, leaders sense all is not well in the world. We see problems and search for solutions. Yet, if we only focus only on what is wrong, we miss the joy of the blessings in our lives - family, friendship, health, and freedom. We have to offset our discontent with the status quo by finding contentment in the life we have been given.

As leaders, we are lean and hungry, looking for opportunities to improve and grow. However, we find joy by being comfortable in our own skin. Happiness comes when we learn to take pride in our talents and to smile at our quirks.

We have an inner drive to do something - a restlessness to make something happen. At the same time, joy is discovered in the peaceful quiet of a soul at rest. Alongside our restlessness for change, we have a need for relaxation and recreation.

We won't fully experience joy until we've answered life's biggest question: Why am I here?

Without a life purpose, we flounder around without direction or joy. Life coach SuEllen Williams encourages clients to write out their life story in five-year increments, noting life-altering events and influential people. During the exercise, clients will often discover a predominant theme that has brought them fulfillment. By re-aligning with what has brought meaning in the past, Williams feels her clients put themselves on track toward the pursuit of happiness.

If we don't nourish ourselves, joy will elude us.

We nourish ourselves whenever we enter into activities that build our energy reserves. Consider this list of common nourishment sources:

Music - What songs lift me?
Thoughts - What thoughts speak to me?
Experiences - What experiences rejuvenate me?
Friends - What people encourage me?
Recreation - What recreation re-creates me?
Soul - What spiritual exercises strengthen me?
Hopes - What dreams inspire me?
Home - What family members care for me?
Giftedness - What gifts activate me?
Memories - What memories make me smile?

To find joy, we must clean up our vocabulary.

We pursue happiness when we banish the shoulda, coulda, wouldas in life and decide that everything is fine the way it is. To reconstruct our vocabulary, it's important to understand the difference between facts of life and problems. A fact of life is something we cannot change, but we can adjust our attitude about it. A problem is something we can change, and becomes possible when we take responsibility to fix it.

To discover joy, it's important to celebrate success.

Timing is critical to celebration. Be sure to celebrate after the fact and not before the job is done.

The Kentucky Wildcat football team learned this lesson the hard way. In 2002, the Wildcats led the heavily favored Louisiana State Tigers 30-27 with two seconds left to play. The Tigers had the ball, but they were 75 yards away from the end zone - an impossible distance to cover in one play.

Wildcat players dumped Gatorade on their coach to celebrate the win. Kentucky students poured out of the stands and waited to charge onto the field after the final whistle. The Kentucky quarterback waved his arms toward the adoring fans in a salute of victory.

Then, the impossible happened. The LSU quarterback lofted the football as far as he could throw it. The ball bounced off the fingertips of a mob of players, and landed in the waiting arms of an LSU receiver who raced to the end zone! LSU had won the game on a desperation pass!

Shocked and silent, the Kentucky fans were left to stare at their soggy coach as the LSU Tiger players celebrated their stunning, last-second victory.

In closing, happiness doesn't always find us, we have to pursue it. Doing so involves a number of steps:

1. Willingness to Be Who We Are
2. Searching for a Life Purpose
3. Nourishing Ourselves Regularly
4. Cleaning Up Our Vocabulary
5. Celebrating Success

White Doll vs. Black Doll

This makes my heart sad. It's extremely disheartening to see how far we still have not come.

All I know is what I can do as a future parent... My child(ren) will not have toys particular to only one race and I will do my best to teach them that despite the color of our skin, our blood all runs red and our souls are void of color in the eyes of God. He created us all in His image, therefore we are all brothers and sisters.

Growing up, my brother and I had a "Geronimo" doll. I only had one Barbi and I liked her only because she came with a horse; I was not a Barbi fan. However, she and Geronimo were man and wife during my play times. Race did not matter. It did not and does not matter for my own parents.

Geronimo still sits in a place of honor in our soon-to-be nursery.

Childhood Memories

I was talking with a friend yesterday and in the way of conversations amongst girlfriends who haven't seen each other in awhile, she told me that the television show "Ros.eanne" reminded her of her childhood, saying that her mom was exactly like "Ros.eanne". I laughed, not thinking she was serious at first but she was, and honestly K, if you're reading this, I can so totally see why you are the way you are now! Love ya, girl!

It got me to thinking what television show reminds me of my own childhood. I hardly took the time to think before I told my friend that "Hap.py Days" reminds me of the way I grew up... and no, I didn't grow up in the fifties! Sheesh! My mom worked but always part-time or in ways that allowed her to be home whenever we were home from school. I treasure that. I treasure that my dad instilled a strong work ethic in us, commuting over 60 miles to and from work in the early days and then taking us to school once he worked closer to home so we didn't have to suffer riding the bus. It was just my brother and me, for the most part, but there always seemed to be at least one other person at the dinner table. We went to a small school where it seemed like half the teachers were the same ones mom and dad had. Our friends were the same ones from kindergarten through senior year. We got along as a family and still do, through all our growth and changes. We always had dinner at the dinner table and that was the time to talk about our days and laugh with each other. We gathered in the living room at night to watch television or read books... when we were older, it was either doing homework or attending sporting events, church activities, scouts, whatever the case may have been.

I think my parents would laugh to think that "Hap.py Days" reminds me of how I grew up but I would hope that they would be proud and thankful, too... because it means that I feel I had a very happy childhood with two very loving parents who made our world seem far from the sad realities many children face. Thank you, Mom and Dad! I love you.

What television show reminds you of your childhood? Why?

My Favorite Things

Today was an excellent day altogether. Gil and I woke up late around 8 and spent a lazy hour together before getting ready for the day. Then, because the weather was up to just over 50 degrees today with a shining sun, we hopped on the bikes and rode around town, doing all our errands and small shopping. Thank goodness for saddle bags! It was so GREAT being on my bike! It's been way too long... since November, I think. The ice has melted off most of the side streets now with just a few patches here and there so other than the gravel on the corners, the roads were clear. Riding today has made me eager for winter to be over; I'm anxious to be able to get on my bike with more frequency.

We met some friends for lunch whom we haven't seen in awhile. It was so good to see them and visit for the few hours we did. I'm making a resolution this year to try and spend more time with my friends and being with M and N today made me realize how very much I want to hold true to that resolution; I miss being around people that I absolutely love being with.

Then we came home to get ready to watch the Ste.eler game with another couple of friends. I made buffalo wings, a cheeseball (my first and it turned out yummy), and some other odd-and-end snacks. There was only really one bad thing (an injured opposing player after an extremely hard hit) and our own Hi.nes Wa.rd injured and out for the duration of the game. I'm certain, though, that he'll be recupe'd and able to play in two weeks because YAY! We made it to the Sup.er Bo.wl! Go Ste.elers!!!

I have to say I had a most fabulous day, full of my favorite things: riding my Harley, watching the Ste.elers, and enjoying time with good friends. Now it's time to go to bed and sleep well before starting another work week.

Weekend Update

We had some friends over on Saturday evening to visit and to celebrate Christmas. I made a yummy ham dinner. We consider the R's to be family and the girls our nieces. We really enjoyed our evening with them and wish we could do it a bit more often. As with many of our friends, we just don't get together as frequently as we'd like... if they're not busy, we are and if we're not busy, they are... such is life, I suppose. Anyway, the girls made us a gingerbread house and I thought I'd share a picture of their masterpiece. I'm not a fan of frosting, but the gummy lifesavers and gumdrops they had on there didn't last too long! I love the little gingerbread people they put on there, too. Thank you, A & K, for the gingerbread house (and also for the s'more Christmas set).

Gil's birthday was Thursday but we were planning to celebrate it with his family on Sunday. I had him go through my cookbook to pick out what kind of cake he wanted me to make and he chose the peanut butter - chocolate marbled cake. It turned out rather pretty, I thought, and I even made my own peanut butter frosting and marbled it with chocolate frosting. Then I had the bright idea to put a cover on it to transport the cake to Grandma's house. Got there, took the cover off, and half the frosting came off with it! Fortunately, taste isn't always connected to visual appeal! I should've left it unfrosted and it wouldn't have been ruined... isn't it pretty?


I also had to take this picture... just because. I sat down to check email briefly Sunday morning and Karma joined me on the couch... then stayed there when I went into the kitchen to frost the cake and cut up some fudge I had also made. Isn't she cute? I love, love, LOVE my new furniture. I've never been a huge fan of having animals on the furniture but the longer I have my furbabies, the less I mind... especially now that I don't have to break my back vacuuming the furniture every week! That was quite the chore. Now all I have to do is wipe off the furniture with the duster that I spray with a bit of leather-safe, orange-scented polish! Easy Cheesey! Karma will be 11 months old on the 28th and we've been watching closely for her first heat. We're seeing some good signs and it should coincide closely with the new year. Isn't she absolutely precious?


We're celebrating Christmas with my family, as usual, then we'll celebrate with Gil's family afterward. It's nice to have snow outside... it's been at least 5 years since we've had a White Christmas and Gil's hoping the conditions are favorable for snowmobiling with my brother. We considered taking the dogsled with us to run the dogs while we're at the homestead, but our time there will be brief and we want to spend as much time as possible visiting with family.

Wishing you and yours a blessed Christmas.

First Day of Advent

I can't believe November is over already. I can't believe this holiday weekend is over already. My parents are packing as I write this. We're going to have breakfast and then they'll take off to go home. We had a good weekend, though.

Thanksgiving dinner was nice, quiet, and extremely filling. I made a yummy dinner... well, mom and I made a yummy dinner; can't keep that woman out of the kitchen but I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy being in the kitchen working with her, just the two of us. And working in the kitchen for a big feast such as we made was oh-so-nice in the new kitchen! I can't believe how much just changing the location of one appliance can make it so much easier! Gil's family came over and we had a good time eating and visiting.

Mom came down sick Thanksgiving night so we decided to give up our early bird Bla.ck Friday shopping. Poor thing was laid up with a blanket and taking drugs all day Friday. Gil and I went out about 10:00 that morning and still hit some good sales. I have over half my shopping done for Christmas so it was successful.

I also got myself a book that I was waiting for, just released in print on Friday... the third in the Sign of Seven trilogy by No.ra Robe.rts. I won't let myself read it just yet, though... I have to study for an exam... a 5 hour credentialing exam that's only 2 weeks away! Yikes. I've barely opened my study guide so I need to buckle down. I guess it's so hard they offer one free re-take in the application cost.

We did just a few things on Saturday. Mom and I got in a couple hours of shopping; she wanted to see a new store that just opened up here 2 months ago. Gil's uncle wanted to make dinner for everyone so we had an early supper of lasagna. Then we all went to Mass, which is the true start to Advent. We came home and I put out the decorations and dressed up the Christmas tree. Dad says I have a lot of stuff but putting everything out just makes me think of all the things I still wish to get to spruce up the living room even more. I also want to start taking Christmas into other rooms of the house, like the bathroom. It's nice having everything up, though... I had bought some new things last year but forgot about them because we didn't decorate due to the kitchen remodel. The best thing I discovered from last year's purchases is my new stable, um, "creche" for my Holy Family. It's gorgeous!

So Happy Advent! We now await the arrival of our King!

Renewed Batteries

It has been such a weekend of renewal, relaxation and recharging. We've been laying low, hanging out, and recharging our batteries. Gil worked as a mechanic rather than a manager Friday afternoon, replacing the brakes on a big commercial vehicle. His back is part of his medical disability from the Army and it was sure hurting by the time he came home Friday night. He couldn't walk well or do much Saturday morning, so he stayed laid up on the couch with me feeding him ibuprofen, water, and heat. I relaxed all day Friday, working on our wedding album (only a couple of years overdue) and planned an evening for pizza and a movie. While Gil watched the Gri.z game Saturday, my friend F came over and we shared what we've been able to do with our wedding albums and I was happy to see that we've made about the same amount of progress. Of course, she's doing it the old-fashioned scrapbooking way and I'm shamed to admit that I only feel a little guilt that I'm not doing that. I'm going the more digital route and making a photo book online.

Gil and I went to Mass last night and then out to dinner. Despite the crowds of a Saturday evening on the town, we were able to discuss our menu plan and other details for the coming Thanksgiving weekend. We came home to feed the dogs and do grocery inventory before heading to brave grocery shopping. We only went shopping at 10:00pm because we wanted to indulge in a lazy Sunday morning. Today, we had a great morning of sleeping in and then making omelets for breakfast. As I type this, football is on tv, the dogs are snoozing in various open floor spots throughout the house, and we're getting ready to do some small chores around the house.

I feel so much better and my mind in a happier place than it's been for the past week or two. I don't know what changed the tides, but thank you for the prayers if you offered them.

We have a busy week ahead of us and I apologize if I don't post as often. I'm excited for my parents to come to share the Thanksgiving celebration. We're going to be decorating for Christmas next weekend. Tomorrow is Monday and back to work. I'm going to face it with a better attitude.

Dreams

I am not a dreamer. I know, I know... everyone dreams. But I truly don’t. I don’t think I ever reach the proper stage of REM sleep that allows dreams. Either that, or I bypass it quickly on my way to the deepest stage attainable where dreams don’t happen. Either way, I normally wake up too often or sleep too deep, always waking up exhausted, almost more so than when I went to sleep the night before.

Recently, though, I’ve experienced two very unsettling dreams. I think at least one of them classifies as a nightmare.

The first, this past Friday night, was about my friend and teacher, M, who died from brain cancer 3 years ago at the end of this month. I didn’t realize until just writing this that the anniversary of her death was so near. Two weeks prior to her death, Gil and I were blessed to be able to visit her. I truly don’t know how much she was able to comprehend during the visit but I do know that she knew I was there, and I do know that she was able to finally “meet” Gil. M was one of my biggest supporters and fans in life and especially throughout my long and tortuous “quest” for a husband. I know she would’ve loved Gil so it meant a lot for me to be able to at least share him with her for those few brief moments before she passed from this world.

I don’t remember a lot about the specifics of the dream, but it happened on a night prior to my working all day at a benefit raffle and auction for a man who recently developed brain cancer. He worked for Gil’s employer until he recently became unable to work, which is how we know about him. He was diagnosed with cancer shortly after his wedding; he had moved here from another city so he lost his insurance and he had just gotten married so wasn’t affiliated with his wife’s insurance yet. Needless to say, lots of uncovered medical bills.

I know that working on the benefit made me think about M subconsciously because I hadn’t been thinking about her prior to falling asleep that night. I did briefly see her husband while we were visiting back home last weekend. Anyway, in the dream, I was introducing her to Gil but even though she had cancer, she was completely normal and not showing any degenerative signs of the cancer. She was beautiful and vibrant with color. She was able to talk with Gil and tell me how happy she was for me, how great and gorgeous we are as a couple.

I’m crying as I write this, remembering her and knowing how much she truly would’ve loved Gil and I’m beginning to think this is her way of telling me. It wasn’t a bad dream, it’s just very unsettling for me. I’m not used to dreams like that. I’m not used to dreams of any kind but the thought of a dream where someone who has passed comes back? That’s a bit much for me to take in right now.

The other dream, the nightmarish dream, was Saturday night. We went to bed just before 10, which is somewhat early for our Saturday nights but we were both so exhausted and aching from working at the benefit all day. I was restless thanks to my over-active brain and I couldn’t fall asleep right away. Once I did fall asleep, I woke up about every hour… honestly, every single hour until I finally got up at 7 the next morning. I was extremely tired and worn out all day Sunday.

Somewhere in the early morning hours, I had a dream that I was riding my bike (the Har.ley). Gil wasn’t present in the dream. I was riding, it was downtown in some unknown town, and I rode up in front of a store. For some odd reason, I was barefoot… I remember that because I make fun of people who ride their bikes in flip-flops or other flimsy footwear... not to mention no footwear at all. A little girl, about 6 years old, comes over to check out my bike and, like children do, was trying to touch everything. I kept telling her "no, don't do that" because of all the extremely hot parts, not to mention all the other buttons and cables.

Well, she wouldn’t listen, either to me or her mom, and started pushing things around while I’m trying to keep her sticky little kid hands off my bike. Somehow, my dream bike had more buttons and things than in real life. One of things she pushed was underneath my gas tank and I couldn’t get it pulled back out. It wasn’t supposed to be pushed in and I don’t know why it was possible to do so, but it was a dream. Flames erupted from it and I was trying to reach in around the flames but couldn’t. The next thing I knew, bigger flames erupted out the top of my gas tank (but no explosion yet). I had to jump off the bike and I ran down the street to the next shop, which had an outdoor patio where my dad was sitting and I was yelling for him to help. He kept saying he didn’t know anything about bikes and he couldn’t do anything. It was at this point that I woke up, freaked out with a racing heart. Gil simply rolled over when I jumped and went back to sleep.

So what does it mean that I’m now starting to dream? I can’t say that I like it. And it’s not like my sleep is any better because I’m reaching that “quality” stage of REM that allows dreams because I woke up freaked out and more tired than when I went to sleep.

If I’m going to have dreams, why can’t they be of puppies bounding through grassy meadows?

Going Public

Happy November! With November comes the end of daylight savings time. I now go to work and come home in the dark. I feel like I'm hibernating. And how come it always makes us more tired when it gets darker sooner in the evening (afternoon)? I am absolutely exhausted!

I received my flu shot last Thursday. I've been told multiple times that it's not supposed to make you sick but somehow, every year after every shot, I always get sick. It's a bit delayed, though, taking a couple of days longer than last year to happen. My arm finally stopped hurting yesterday and today I'm starting to get sick. I have headache and nauseated belly, anyway, and the aches are moving down through my neck and back. Maybe I just don't want to work... Ugh.

After much discussion about the pros and cons, Gil and I have decided to make this blog public. I thank those of you who made the effort to want to become a registered reader of my ramblings. It means so much to know how much you care about what I may have to say.

And because I have nothing real to say at the moment, I'm going to keep this post short. I'll come back to write more within the next 36 hours, I promise.