Dreams

I am not a dreamer. I know, I know... everyone dreams. But I truly don’t. I don’t think I ever reach the proper stage of REM sleep that allows dreams. Either that, or I bypass it quickly on my way to the deepest stage attainable where dreams don’t happen. Either way, I normally wake up too often or sleep too deep, always waking up exhausted, almost more so than when I went to sleep the night before.

Recently, though, I’ve experienced two very unsettling dreams. I think at least one of them classifies as a nightmare.

The first, this past Friday night, was about my friend and teacher, M, who died from brain cancer 3 years ago at the end of this month. I didn’t realize until just writing this that the anniversary of her death was so near. Two weeks prior to her death, Gil and I were blessed to be able to visit her. I truly don’t know how much she was able to comprehend during the visit but I do know that she knew I was there, and I do know that she was able to finally “meet” Gil. M was one of my biggest supporters and fans in life and especially throughout my long and tortuous “quest” for a husband. I know she would’ve loved Gil so it meant a lot for me to be able to at least share him with her for those few brief moments before she passed from this world.

I don’t remember a lot about the specifics of the dream, but it happened on a night prior to my working all day at a benefit raffle and auction for a man who recently developed brain cancer. He worked for Gil’s employer until he recently became unable to work, which is how we know about him. He was diagnosed with cancer shortly after his wedding; he had moved here from another city so he lost his insurance and he had just gotten married so wasn’t affiliated with his wife’s insurance yet. Needless to say, lots of uncovered medical bills.

I know that working on the benefit made me think about M subconsciously because I hadn’t been thinking about her prior to falling asleep that night. I did briefly see her husband while we were visiting back home last weekend. Anyway, in the dream, I was introducing her to Gil but even though she had cancer, she was completely normal and not showing any degenerative signs of the cancer. She was beautiful and vibrant with color. She was able to talk with Gil and tell me how happy she was for me, how great and gorgeous we are as a couple.

I’m crying as I write this, remembering her and knowing how much she truly would’ve loved Gil and I’m beginning to think this is her way of telling me. It wasn’t a bad dream, it’s just very unsettling for me. I’m not used to dreams like that. I’m not used to dreams of any kind but the thought of a dream where someone who has passed comes back? That’s a bit much for me to take in right now.

The other dream, the nightmarish dream, was Saturday night. We went to bed just before 10, which is somewhat early for our Saturday nights but we were both so exhausted and aching from working at the benefit all day. I was restless thanks to my over-active brain and I couldn’t fall asleep right away. Once I did fall asleep, I woke up about every hour… honestly, every single hour until I finally got up at 7 the next morning. I was extremely tired and worn out all day Sunday.

Somewhere in the early morning hours, I had a dream that I was riding my bike (the Har.ley). Gil wasn’t present in the dream. I was riding, it was downtown in some unknown town, and I rode up in front of a store. For some odd reason, I was barefoot… I remember that because I make fun of people who ride their bikes in flip-flops or other flimsy footwear... not to mention no footwear at all. A little girl, about 6 years old, comes over to check out my bike and, like children do, was trying to touch everything. I kept telling her "no, don't do that" because of all the extremely hot parts, not to mention all the other buttons and cables.

Well, she wouldn’t listen, either to me or her mom, and started pushing things around while I’m trying to keep her sticky little kid hands off my bike. Somehow, my dream bike had more buttons and things than in real life. One of things she pushed was underneath my gas tank and I couldn’t get it pulled back out. It wasn’t supposed to be pushed in and I don’t know why it was possible to do so, but it was a dream. Flames erupted from it and I was trying to reach in around the flames but couldn’t. The next thing I knew, bigger flames erupted out the top of my gas tank (but no explosion yet). I had to jump off the bike and I ran down the street to the next shop, which had an outdoor patio where my dad was sitting and I was yelling for him to help. He kept saying he didn’t know anything about bikes and he couldn’t do anything. It was at this point that I woke up, freaked out with a racing heart. Gil simply rolled over when I jumped and went back to sleep.

So what does it mean that I’m now starting to dream? I can’t say that I like it. And it’s not like my sleep is any better because I’m reaching that “quality” stage of REM that allows dreams because I woke up freaked out and more tired than when I went to sleep.

If I’m going to have dreams, why can’t they be of puppies bounding through grassy meadows?