Preparing for Christmas

I apologize for not posting in a few days. To be honest, I’ve been trying to escape from the anger and hurt of infertility… again. It’s exhausting. I wish I could figure out how to just deal with it and be done. Unfortunately, like a friend reminded me, it’s a loss that happens over and over, not just once and forget about it. It’s not like losing a loved one to death. Though definitely not easy, there’s a finality that happens with death. You can know that there is never another chance to see them alive on this earth again and be able to work through it. As a Christian, I totally believe in miracles. Therein lies the problem. Even though scientifically we’re told the odds are stacked heavily against us, we still believe in the miracle that God could make happen. Each and every time it doesn’t happen, we have to face and deal with the loss of what isn’t, what may never be.

What started the funk this time? Hearing that one of my three pg cousins gave birth to her son earlier this week. As happy as I am for her and her son (who I’ve heard is a very gorgeous little boy), I ache for the joy which I’ve been told will very likely never happen for us.

We’ve also been talking about our plans for Christmas a lot. Since I moved off the rez and away from my family, it’s become tradition for my parents to host a breakfast on Christmas Eve morning. That way, we can see the whole family and close friends without having to run here, there and everywhere. It gets too hectic to drive around visiting everyone when we’re only able to be there a short time. Anyway, I’ve mentioned previously that I have three pg cousins… well, two now and one with a newborn… not counting all the other little children my cousins already have. Mom offered to cancel the Christmas Eve breakfast this year and I said no. That would be a very selfish thing for me to ask for. Christmas is about celebrating the family we have, not the family we dream and hope for. But I’m nervous about how I’ll be able to handle it. Gil tells me that we can hold off on driving home until Christmas Eve thereby missing breakfast, but we only have five days to begin with, including drive time… I don’t want to take one of those days away to nurse my hurting heart. Besides, I was able to get through it last year and I was in the midst of my Clomid treatment at the time.

The most recent edition of Stepping Stones (a ministry of Bethany Christian Services) addresses this issue… how to cope during the holidays. Here are some snippets from the article written by Angella Merkle:

“As I prepare for the holidays, I prepare my shopping list, make cookies, and wrap gifts. One thing I cannot seem to prepare is my heart.”

“Another year has passed and still no baby. Time is supposed to heal all things, but with the pain of infertility, time only increases the anxiety and deepens the hurt.”

“What do you do when “the most wonderful time of the year” makes you want to crawl into a fetal position and avoid the world?”

Angella does give some pointers in how to deal with the pain of IF during the holidays. She says it’s okay to be sad so give yourself permission to do so. It’s also okay to say “no” if you feel you can’t handle going home or other family gatherings. This one is not an option for me, however, so I’ll need to deal with that myself. Angella suggests talking with your family to tell them how you’re feeling but other than talking with my parents and brother, this is also not much of an option. Knowing my family, I would only succeed in hurting them by sharing my own hurt. I don’t want to do that, either; unfortunately, I tend to be a people pleaser, caring more about others than myself sometimes. Most importantly, Angella shared some scriptures with the reminder to praise the Lord. Praise in a time of hurt and anguish is difficult but we’re reminded that all is according to God’s plan and He is in control. We need to remember the Reason for Christmas, that God sent His Son to earth to save us!

Angella ends her article with the following:

“As I wrote these words, I have cried while remembering past hurts, and I cringe as I anticipate another childless holiday. I realize how desperately I need to cling to the Lord as I steel myself for this upcoming season. More important than all of the gifts and cookies, I need to trust in the Lord to begin a new work in my heart.”

Please be patient with me as I continue to work through my grief; it's shaping up to be an extremely long process. I continue to covet your prayers for Gil and me as we are both dealing with this heavy burden.

I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me. ~ Philippians 4:13 NAB