Goodbye, Old Friend

Thanksgiving weekend, our oldest dog, Arrow, fell ill. He wouldn't move much, he stopped eating, we thought it was the end. But he was still alert. We didn't know if it was just hip arthritis setting in (he's almost 13) or what. By the next day, he would at least eat some duck and lamb treats we have. By day 3, he started eating his kibble again and by day 5 had resumed all normal habits. So we thought maybe it was just a bug.

Until today. He woke up this morning the same way he did that Saturday almost 2 full weeks ago. We called the vet and couldn't get in until late afternoon. When it came time to leave, Arrow would just not get up. We literally just lifted the blanket we put him on and carried him to the Subu.rban and had to carry him into the vet's the same way.

We didn't carry him back out.

The vet thought with much certainty he had a tumor either on his heart or in the heart's lining. His heart rate was way too high and his blood pressure was way too low. He had all the other classic symptoms. We could've opted for all the diagnostics under the sun to confirm it and then decide whether or not to do surgery that would maybe only extend his life for another year.

We opted not to do any of it. We could see the pain he was in... and has been in lately. Risking surgery with a heart condition for the possibility of a few more months just wasn't worth it to us. We sat there on the floor with him until his soul went to play (pain-free) with Sassy, Devil and Hiawatha.

Death is not easy, whether it be human or pet. We bawled like babies. Arrow's been my "ornery step-child" since he was 5 and he's the last of Gil's dogs from his life prior to me.

We love you, Bubbers. Now go and let Uncle M scratch your ears.

Slave Labor

And we are the slaves... to our dogs! :) Two weekends ago, my parents came and helped us pour the concrete forms for the patio border where we're putting the outdoor kennels. This weekend, we had to finish what we started.

Saturday, we poured 37 bags of concrete for a walking path to get from "our" patio to the dogs' patio.


Also on Saturday, we filled the patio area with a sand/gravel mix and leveled it out before laying concrete pavers to fill it in. Of course, these pictures neglect to show the 2 loads of gravel I myself went and shoveled and hauled Friday night, only showing the 1-1/2 Gil did Saturday morning! :)

We brushed the concrete walkway to provide better traction in slippery weather.

Our home improvement store of choice neglected to give us the entire amount of pavers we paid for and we ran out with 6 rows left to lay Saturday afternoon. We went in to pick them up and due to a computer glitch, they ended up only having 4 in stock. Luckily, their competition had the same product and we were able to finish the project Sunday.


All this just to have a place for them to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, they live indoors with us!

Sunday, after we finished the patio, we got to work on the fence. Well, Gil got to work on the fence while I did some laundry and other indoor chores. Then I went out and finished helping him with the fence. We had to section off a portion of the backyard so the dogs would have a fully enclosed place to run. We no sooner got the gate latched before we brought them outside... they were so excited, they ran circles around the yard for a full half-hour before settling down to a mere trot!


The things we do for the love of our dogs.

Dogs on the Loose

Gil and I went on a man-hunt today. Or more like, were forced into a dog hunt. The three furbabies got loose through an open garage door and took off running. I caught up with Arrow in the backyard of one of our neighbors, engrossed in sniffing all the fun smells of their two dogs. Mojo and Karma, however, decided to take Gil on the run of his life... and I'm sure when he heard screeching wheels on the big through-street north of our house, he about had a heart attack. He was able to finally get Karma to know he meant business so she laid down and did her submissive dog routine (she doesn't come but will lay down, roll over on her back, and let you get her), but Mojo continued to run. I had, by this time, gotten Arrow safely locked into the kennels at home and hopped in the Jeep to resume the search. I passed Gil leading Karma home and he pointed me in a general direction of where to look. Thankfully, it didn't take long and I found a group of young teenage girls holding onto him and showering him with affection at a nearby softball field. I couldn't begin to thank them enough and had barely hooked him to the leash when Gil comes around the corner in the truck. Apparently, these girls had called the number on Mojo's tag and were able to tell Gil where they were. Thank goodness there are still good Samaritans in this world.

(This picture is from awhile ago but it's one of an extremely few that contains all 3 of them. They panted pretty hard and laid around for quite awhile... and then shadowed us in suck-up mode for the rest of the day!)

Mojo's Surgery Update

Our little monkey's home. In addition to removing the tumor/growth on his leg, they removed a couple of cysts on his upper eyelid. We were able to pick him up after work but they weren't able to get him into surgery until 3:00 this afternoon so he had just barely come out of anesthesia. Poor little guy couldn't walk very straight or hold himself up on three legs to pee. He got sick in his crate during the little bit of time we had to run over to see Grandma and Uncle. We just barely got him and his crate cleaned up. We're now relaxing and he's getting antsy... you can tell the pain meds are wearing off because he's starting to wimper. He's pacing around like he's afraid to cave in to the desire to sleep. His bandage is slipping and I think we're going to have to remove it because the swelling distal to the bandage is getting worse and I think it may be too tight. His tumor/growth was in an odd location for keeping a bandage on. Things are okay, though. I just wish I could comfort him better.

*** UPDATE ***

Friday morning: Mojo cried and wimpered throughout the night and is continuing to do so as I write this. He's not allowing himslef to fall asleep; you can tell he's confused about what's going on. I just got off the phone with the vet and the shot they gave him before we brought him home was "supposed to last" but it apparently didn't. I have to wait another hour or two because there's currently no doc at the clinic and we need doctor approval for a prescription, but I'll be getting him some help hopefully in time for him to be able to take a nap over the lunch hour.

Mojo Monkey

Tomorrow, we take our Mojo in to have surgery on his leg. It's definitely a bittersweet feeling...

Last Thursday, we noticed Mojo really licking at the upper front of his left leg so we checked it out. Until then, there was nothing distinguishing that would've caught our eye. Once we started examining him, however, we noticed a slightly nodular and irregular growth coming out of his skin. We watched him and it for a day and decided it was time to take him to the vet on Monday.

Dr. K. suggested surgery as soon as possible so he's going in tomorrow. If we were to choose to have the tumor tested (sent in for histopathology, which alone costs more than the whole rest of the procedure and anesthesia combined), we would then know if the tumor is benign (non-cancerous) or malignant (the dreaded C word). If it is cancer, we would then have to choose whether or not to proceed with chemotherapy and other therapeutic and diagnostic measures.

Gil and I don't believe in going to those extensive means for dogs, as much of a part of our family that they are... especially with our own medical issues, surgeries and other treatments we have ahead of us in the coming year(s). To keep from having to be faced with a diagnosis of cancer and needing to choose NOT to do chemo, we're choosing to remain ignorant and not have his tumor tested. We'll just have it removed and go about our merry ways. That may make us bad parents and caretakers in the eyes of some, but honestly, he IS just a dog.

But he's MY dog. My first baby. This whole thing is making my heart ache something fierce.

Baby Mojo... isn't he sweet?

Crazy Mojo at about 8 weeks... I love this look on his face! He continues to almost constantly wear the same expression.

Here, he's perched on a deck at the edge of steps... he was so scared of stairs when he was a baby; he hated even being carried up or down them.

We were finally able to pick Mojo up when he was 10 weeks old.

The crazy Monkey loves mud and water... this was before our backyard was landscaped and it was nothing but a hug mud swamp. He's about 1 y/o in this picture.

This was when he was 2 y/o, just prior to us landscaping the backyard. We had a huge pile of dirt in the middle of the yard that we were working to remove and he loved digging and plowing through it. How could a mother get upset with her furbaby with a face like that?!?!

An unnaturally stoic poise.

At 3 y/o, just this past October.

M.I.A.

Yes, I realize this is the longest absence I've had from posting since I began this blog. I apologize for those few of you who follow faithfully... things have been absolutely crazy. Here's a summary of a few things to catch y'all up to date:

Throughout the month of February, Gil and I were waiting hopefully on a promising adoption lead. After 3 weeks, we knew it was a lost cause. It would've been a private adoption, completely separate and unrelated to our journey with the state's DCFS. I know I'm just now admitting this publicly as we've been trying to keep a low profile on what's been going on until something actually happens, but this is actually our second adoption loss since the first of the year. We had another lead during the first two weeks of the new year that ended up falling through because we live 400 miles too far away. I've never been pregnant but I would liken the feeling of an adoption loss to a miscarriage... you try so very hard to attain your dream and when it's just barely reached fruition, it's snatched out of your grasp to leave you mourning. It's been difficult, dealing with these losses and trying to understand the reason, especially after having to deal with the loss of our fertility, also. And two losses already. Ugh.

We had Karma spayed on February 19th after dealing with her first heat throughout the whole month of January (yes, 4 full weeks of changing panties on a dog). On Feb. 20th, just an hour after picking her up from the vet, we left to spend a week with my family, so we had to be careful about how much running, jumping, and getting dirty she did. Now that we're home, we've noticed some quirky attitude changes in Karma... she started crying (read: screaming) for about an hour after we'd put her in her crate to sleep at night or when we'd leave in the morning... she stopped eating her food (or rather, started spilling her it all through her crate)... she's been really clingy when spending time with us in the house, wanting to sit on my lap. Last night, we discovered the cure to her crying at night: we let the furbabies sleep in the bedroom with us. This is something that we allowed until Karma outgrew her baby crate; when she was a little puppy and we tried having her sleep inside, she would only ever want to play with Mojo all through the night so we began crating them all at night so she wouldn't be alone. Last night was successful - no crying AND no playing... she's apparently calmed down enough in her old age of 1 year!

I am officially a member of the Jeep community again! We've been wanting to get back into a Wrangler since Gil got rid of his a year and a half ago... and I've wanted my own for a long time, long before I met Gil even. Last week, we were drooling - yet again - over Jeeps and found too good of a deal to pass up. We've been wanting to get out from under my car for awhile and were able to do it! Now once Gil gets his Willy up and runnin', we'll each have our own. Until he can start working on his, he's talking about putting a small lift on mine. We're already talking about taking in a Jamboree or two with our other Jeepin' friends! Here's a picture of MY Jeep:


There is more going on right now (not Gil or myself specifically) but for confidentiality reasons, I cannot disclose anything at this time but please just keep us in your prayers for a special intention. After reading through my post, it feels like I should have more to say because we've seriously been running our hineys off for the past three months... tonight is the first night in two weeks Gil and I have had more than a single hour together at home during the evening hours. These next few weeks will be just as busy but I hope to be better about squeezing in a quick post every day or two.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I hope you all had a fabulous and healthy New Year celebration. I really didn't. Both Gil and I were sick and though I was on the rebound and finally starting to feel better by New Year's Eve, Gil was getting worse. I was able to rouse him on New Year's Day to get out of the house... my first venture out of the house all week since Sunday! Guess I got a bit tired of being bundled in a blanket on the couch, unable to breath easily, sucking down drugs and water to try and get this awful cold out of my system. Not a way I'd choose to spend a holiday. I missed the only two days I was scheduled to work this week. Gil missed two days, too, but made it on Monday and is trying it out today. Poor guy... I had a hard time seeing him go this morning.

As for a whole new year, I hope it brings you much happiness and health. The older I get, the more I treasure health. And I'm going to try and make mine more of a priority. I'm learning that happiness is more of a CHOICE than a circumstance and my resolution for the year is to CHOOSE to be happy, or at least try to choose!

*** TMI Warning ***

Do not read further if you have a weak system and are easily grossed out!

One thing the New Year has already brought us is Karma's first heat. Gil's had plenty of experience with this but it's a first for me. We were expecting it but realized we needed to take immediate action when she jumped on our laps while watching the ball fall at Tim.es Sq.uare (what a joke that's become!) and blood appeared on the blanket. Poor little thing. So we decided that we needed to trudge out into the world yesterday to get supplies. Actually, we splurged on dinner out after eating chicken noodle soup all week! We also checked out some new books at Bor.ders (not my fave, I prefer B&N) and... surprise! We also went to Ho.me De.pot. Our mission there was to pay off the remaining balance on the cost for our kitchen remodel but I found some clearanced Christmas decorations I couldn't pass up.

Back to the reason for our outing... we had to buy Karma some little girl panties! Oh my goodness. I have never felt such confusion in my life as I did standing there staring at all these little princess infested, pink and purple miniature panties. Tell me, how does one figure out what size to get for a 40-45 lb DOG when the measurements are HUMAN?!! I'm sure not having children for some sort of comparison doesn't help. We decided that going small would be better as there would be no gap and no room to twist so we went with the 4T. I almost got little boy underwear (there were some cute Mada.gascar ones) because all the little girl ones were PINK! Argh! But the Ariel ones (Lit.tle Mer.maid) were mostly green and purple so that's what we went with.

Oh the horror! You should've seen Karma as we tried them on to try and figure out where we needed to cut the hole for her tail. Poor little thing... she was so confused. Once we got the panty liner in and the panties back on her, with her tail sticking through the hole, she tore off 'round the house trying to free herself of whatever it was stuck to her hiney! She only tried twice to bite 'em off but we told her "no" both times and she's been fine since... except for the occasional pathetic looks she send us, like we're the meanest people in the world for subjecting her to this horror. And we probably are the meanest people because we just laughed and laughed (and hacked and coughed in between) at her last night . Of course I had to take pictures. When Karma was finished with trying to get them off herself, she became really clingy and shadowed me something fierce while I was taking the tree and other decorations down and then kept hopping on my lap when I finally sat down to work with Gil. It's kinda hard to work on a laptop while your dog is trying to lay on it, too!

Poor little thing... do you see the distress in those pretty little eyes?

This picture was taken after she calmed down a little bit so she's humoring me by letting me take her picture... but she's not happy about her situation... look at the ear that she's folded back.

Weekend Update

We had some friends over on Saturday evening to visit and to celebrate Christmas. I made a yummy ham dinner. We consider the R's to be family and the girls our nieces. We really enjoyed our evening with them and wish we could do it a bit more often. As with many of our friends, we just don't get together as frequently as we'd like... if they're not busy, we are and if we're not busy, they are... such is life, I suppose. Anyway, the girls made us a gingerbread house and I thought I'd share a picture of their masterpiece. I'm not a fan of frosting, but the gummy lifesavers and gumdrops they had on there didn't last too long! I love the little gingerbread people they put on there, too. Thank you, A & K, for the gingerbread house (and also for the s'more Christmas set).

Gil's birthday was Thursday but we were planning to celebrate it with his family on Sunday. I had him go through my cookbook to pick out what kind of cake he wanted me to make and he chose the peanut butter - chocolate marbled cake. It turned out rather pretty, I thought, and I even made my own peanut butter frosting and marbled it with chocolate frosting. Then I had the bright idea to put a cover on it to transport the cake to Grandma's house. Got there, took the cover off, and half the frosting came off with it! Fortunately, taste isn't always connected to visual appeal! I should've left it unfrosted and it wouldn't have been ruined... isn't it pretty?


I also had to take this picture... just because. I sat down to check email briefly Sunday morning and Karma joined me on the couch... then stayed there when I went into the kitchen to frost the cake and cut up some fudge I had also made. Isn't she cute? I love, love, LOVE my new furniture. I've never been a huge fan of having animals on the furniture but the longer I have my furbabies, the less I mind... especially now that I don't have to break my back vacuuming the furniture every week! That was quite the chore. Now all I have to do is wipe off the furniture with the duster that I spray with a bit of leather-safe, orange-scented polish! Easy Cheesey! Karma will be 11 months old on the 28th and we've been watching closely for her first heat. We're seeing some good signs and it should coincide closely with the new year. Isn't she absolutely precious?


We're celebrating Christmas with my family, as usual, then we'll celebrate with Gil's family afterward. It's nice to have snow outside... it's been at least 5 years since we've had a White Christmas and Gil's hoping the conditions are favorable for snowmobiling with my brother. We considered taking the dogsled with us to run the dogs while we're at the homestead, but our time there will be brief and we want to spend as much time as possible visiting with family.

Wishing you and yours a blessed Christmas.

Oh Christmas Tree

I thought I'd post some pics of our humble little Christmas tree. We weren't able to put up decorations last year because of the total kitchen remodel we were doing so it's extra nice to have them up this year. We put them up the first weekend of Advent, the weekend right after Thanksgiving. My parents were visiting and were able to see our Christmas decor for the first time.

I decorate in as much of a "lodge" fashion as I'm able. I add a few more ornaments each year; my collection is oh-so-slowly growing.

All lit up.

Here's the mantle Gil built me our second Christmas together so I would have something to hang our stockings from. In a place of honor sits my new creche, the stable we found last year to house our Holy Family.

Mojo and Karma love being under the tree... Mojo especially. I think Karma lost her wonderment when she got in trouble for chewing up the snowmen on my pretty tree skirt! Obviously, I haven't stitched it back together yet but Mojo doesn't mind.

A bit about nothing

Sorry I haven't posted much this week. Been dealing with work and emotions... story of my life lately. We've also had a sick dog... Wednesday night, Arrow started yelping when rising from a lying position... Thursday morning, it progressed to yelping when he peed, as well. All day, he wouldn't drink water or pee... I had to trick him into drinking water by adding tuna to it. Then it was like he'd hold his bladder until it burst and he would pee gallons all at once, yelping. We spent $400 at the vet Thursday afternoon to not get an answer as to what's going on. His bloodwork looks like that of a 2-year-old, apparently! Anyway, we're holding off on doing an ultrasound and just working with some pain pills right now. We have to do another UA next week. I just hate when they're sick because they can't tell us exactly what hurts and we have no idea of how to go forward with trying to figure it out. His pain seems to be a bit less but I'm still having to trick him into drinking water and he's still holding his bladder (which didn't work when we crated him for about 2 hours last night - Gil had that mess to clean up).

Gil and I have a date tonight! We are going to Mass at 5, then to dinner and the rodeo! I'm so excited to spend some time with him away from home. We've sort of taken a break from attending Mass since this past spring... it was becoming too emotionally difficult for me - for us - with the infertility thing so I think we're going to try it again tonight and pray that it goes well. I'm really excited about the rodeo. The rodeos here are quite different from the ones I'm used to back home but it's nice to be back in the atmosphere. I had to go buy a new pair of jeans yesterday because I currently only have one pair that fits and I wanted a pair that fit with my boots better! I scored because I actually found TWO pair that fit! I also found a purse that I really, really loved in the exact color that I've been looking for but it was $100 and I can't seem to justify spending that for a purse. Then I'd have a bag to hold my wallet that would no longer have money in it!

Update on Arrow, 4:00 pm:  Well, it seems as though whatever was troubling Arrow is no longer.  He's drinking water and peeing on his own and jumping up and down from his box without pain.  He's become playful and vocal again... I didn't realize he wasn't whoa-ing until he talked to me today.  Great news!

More Snow!

Snow continued to fall overnight and today we have more than 4 times what we had yesterday. Pictures are worth more than words...

7:00 pm: Gil and I got out and drove through the neighborhood a little bit this evening to return some movies we had rented and man-oh-man!  This is a heavy, wet, and destructive snow.  There are so many trees that are broken and down, not just bent and hanging, but literally snapped.  We saw one tree that split right down the middle of the main trunk.  Many people have been out of power.  Tomorrow, it's supposed to warm up to near 40 and the next day even more, so we're going to have a big, soupy mess on our hands.

My flower barrels, now almost completely buried.

The patio furniture shows the biggest difference... I'd guess about a foot of snow.

The dogs love the snow and here they are playing.  You can see Arrow checking out a snowball that Gil had thrown at them.

Husky Furbabies

I thought I would post some updated pictures of the furbabies. They're doing well. Arrow seems like he's 3 years younger since we got Karma. She has definitely brought out his better side. He's much nicer and more tolerant of Mojo's puppy antics than he was prior to her arrival. Mojo and Karma are best buds... they're always sleeping right next to each other, kissing each other, wrestling with each other... We decided to get Karma because we didn't want Mojo to be the only dog in the house after it's Arrow's turn to go... he'd have too many years alone and dogs - huskies especially - need a companion. It was definitely the best thing we could've done... they're practically inseparable!

ARROW, 11 y/o

MOJO, 3 y/o

KARMA, 8 mos

Back to Good

Karma is definitely back to her old (but very young) self. We could already see a dramatic improvement by Wednesday but by Thursday, she took off after Mojo with a vengeance... to make up for two lost days, I think! I'm no longer giving her the anti-diarrheal stuff as we're not getting very much out of her in the way of bowel movements... we're getting at least a daily small amount so we're not too worried. She's still taking the metronidazole for protozoan (single cell) parasites and she finished the panacur, which is for hook/roundworms. Of course, those meds were prescribed and started without a diagnosis of what we were needing to treat. I just received a call from our vet this morning because Karma's fecal study came back. She has coccidia, a protozoan parasite transmitted through the feces. Puppies love to eat feces. Coccidia has a 13 day incubation period and I tracked her date of parasite transmission back to July 2nd... that was our last day of puppy kindergarten. She had been running free in their big yard out there where lots of other dogs get to run and, most likely, go to the bathroom. She had even found a shed snake skin there once that she tried eating before I (completely grossed out) took it away from her. So I'm guessing she just got hold of some scat while playing out there. I will pick up her new prescription when I go to meet Gil for lunch. I'm just so glad that she's back to normal. Tuesday was such a stressful day for us thinking that there was a chance we could lose her. She's always been a lover dog, crazy for attention, but we both think this scared her, too, as she's been pretty clingy since we got back from the vet. She's still tearing off after Mojo and Arrow but will run back toward her mama quite frequently when it's playtime in the backyard and is always underfoot when we're in the house. Gil would tell you that I don't mind that one bit! However, I think Mojo minds... it means less attention for him!

I've been seriously contemplating starting to scrapbook digitally over the past month or so rather than the old-fashioned way, getting out all the paper, stickers, scissors, adhesive, etc. I seem to be using my MacBook more and more for everything and this way, I could scrapbook while sitting on the couch watching tv with my husband. I'm partial to Creative Memories when it comes to scrapbooking so I started looking at their digital scrapbooking software. It's not real compatible with Macs so I had to start searching for Mac software. iRemember is Mac's version for digital scrapbooking and they have a free 15 day trial period so I downloaded it. Here is my first attempt at a digital scrapbook page... I think I'm going to like it!

The cool thing about going digital is that I could either upload my pages one by one to photo printers like Costco and have them print out my 12x12 pages and then insert them into sleeves in my own scrapbook OR I could have a book printed and bound with the pages I've created. I think I'm going to try out a scrapbook of the dogs (to include all dogs... Black Devil, Sassy, and Hiawatha as well as the three we still have) first before doing a whole bunch of other pictures, like my engagement and wedding pictures.

UPDATE, 1:20 pm: After I wrote this, shut off the 'puter, and went outside to get the dogs put away so I could go meet Gil for lunch, I noticed Karma left a big pile of her regular sized "scat" (I say scat because I don't like the "p" word!). She got all kinds of congratulations and belly rubs for having a good movement! YAY!

Sick Puppy & Hurting Heart

We got back from vacation late Sunday evening... I've been pondering over the past two days about what to write. A lot of stuff has happened both physically and emotionally... and then this morning, we wake up to discover that Karma is sick. Really sick. She vomited in her box twice since we put her to bed last night, she had diarrhea when we put her out in the kennel, she was lethargic and depressed, wouldn't get up when called and wouldn't eat... she was running a fever and despondent, not even walking... totally not like her. I spent the day at our vet's with her... we had bloodwork, x-rays and barium studies... she had gotten hold of a small piece of string and ate it while we were away and we were hoping against hope that it hadn't knotted around her intestines causing a blockage. The bloodwork showed abnormal lymphocytes, indicating some type of infection or inflammatory process and then the plain films showed some abnormal gas pockets in her abdomen. So we proceeded to the barium study... even though it showed some filling defects (which can be due to inflammation), there was no obstruction. Our vet didn't want to completely rule out Parvo but gave us some antibiotics, dewormer, and an anti-diarrheal med to give her over the next couple of days along with a bland diet... no dog food... she now gets spoiled on hamburger and rice. By the time I write this, 14 hours after we woke her up this morning, she's now walking of her own accord and wagging her tail a bit. She's still lethargic but is showing a definite perkiness that wasn't there all day. She did eat dinner and take her meds and is keeping everything down. Talk about a stressful day. I was in tears often throughout the day... poor baby. The boys are being really good about leaving her alone although I had to tell Mojo twice to leave her alone this evening after she started moving around more. He tried nudging her to get her to play and she's having none of that today.

I heard from the PPVI Institute this afternoon. I had called to get a cost estimate on the diagnostic tests that Dr. Hilgers is recommending to further diagnose the extent of my disease. The blood test alone will be almost $900... the rest of the tests will run upwards of $10,000... and that's just diagnostics, not the subsequent treatment! Yikes. Because my insurance won't pay for anything out of state or for anything related to infertility, I would have to pay for all of this, in full, at the time of service. There's no way we can continue on with this at that kind of cost... we don't have the resources. We're still paying off our home remodeling projects and other debt incurred while Gil was going to school and we were "living" on a single paycheck. Tonight I started feeling the pain of the IF again, the hopelessness that comes with it, and the pain of realizing that working on my disease and IF is a no-go. Back to square one with no chance whatsoever of getting pregnant.

I know, I know... we're adopting. You're probably thinking that choosing to adopt was our way of dealing with the IF and not getting pregnant. Nope. Adoption was always a choice for us; we just decided to pursue it earlier than originally intended. We still had hopes of getting pregnant and having biological children as well. I'm still ecstatic at the thought of adopting and I'm so looking forward to the day when we will have our child(ren) to hold physically in our arms, not just in our hearts. But it doesn't take away the pain of infertility... especially when so many others praise pregnancy like it's the best thing in the world and barely congratulate us on our decision to adopt... then again, adoption has stereotypically been second best in most people's minds. Just a substitute because we're incapable of being "normal". Sorry for the cynicism... I'm really hurting today.

Especially when, while back home on vacation, we're bombarded with babies and pregnancies every time we turn around. I don't resent others their babies or pregnancies. But I hurt nonetheless. If there is anyone from my life back home who has ever suffered infertility, please step forward and show yourself to me. I need to know that I'm not alone. I know only one other person where I now live that suffers it. I feel so alone sometimes. Yes, I know God is there... but He's also the One choosing not to allow us to get pregnant. I would gladly suffer the disease that I have cursed prior to even knowing what I suffer has a name for a billion years if I had the chance to get pregnant.

I just realized today after pouring my heart out to my HP sisters that we essentially are pregnant... we conceived when we signed our first application in this adoption process and now we're in our gestational period waiting for the big day. It hurts to admit that I feel a bit jealous about the recognition pregnant women get while I barely get the passing congratulations. There are exceptions and believe me, I know who you are and you are the best gifts I could have for feeling about our adoption choice the way I do. Thank you.

Please keep me in your prayers. If you can, please let me know that you're there for me... if not physically, at least emotionally. It helps so much to hear from you.

Speaking of prayers, Gil and I have decided to jump-start our prayer life and get back on track. On the 13th, we started St. Louis de Montfort's 33 day Consecration to Jesus through Our Lady. This was held in high esteem by Pope John Paul II. It's a huge undertaking when all I was looking for was a simple 9 day novena! But if we're going to do it, why not go all out?!

Karma's a Brown-Noser!

Here are a couple of pictures of the newest member of our family. Karma was born on January 28, 2008. She has red hair and blue eyes. She was about 15 pounds when she came to us at 2 months and the first picture below is of her meeting Mojo (who will turn 3 in August!) on the day we brought her home. She gained just over 5 pounds within the first 2 1/2 weeks we had her... the little porker!

Karma and I started "puppy kindergarten" last week and have had two classes already. My little furball is the teacher's pet (no pun intended!). The woman teaching the class told me that Karma is her favorite. She loves how Karma responds so well to my voice, paying attention to me in the midst of distraction from the other puppies and, most especially, from the dropped biscuits and other treats on the floor (Nattie, an Australian Shepherd, likes to drop her biscuits to share with Karma)! Karma's response to my commands is pretty phenomenal. I do need to work with her more than just the 2-5 minutes a day I currently spend on training... she's so smart and I need to capitalize on that while she's young. The teacher always uses Karma for her demonstrations and comments on how perfect her reactions are. She's following in her momma's footsteps!


Karma is so full of life, as most puppies are. She loves her belly rubs and will literally somersault and flop over on her back at your feet to get 'em, even after a night in her crate with a full bladder. When we first open the door to let our critters in the house, she runs full-bore toward the couch and almost catapults herself over it... you really have to make sure you're not in her direct line or you might get hurt! She loves to play with the boys and zips around in circles at full speeds to run off her energy if they're not around to chew on. I love how dogs are always so happy to see you when you come home from work; Karma is no different. She gets so excited and for a puppy who has so much to investigate and check out, she really likes to be close to her humans. She is now more than twice (almost triple!) the size she was when we brought her home! I hate how fast puppies grow... I wish she could stay small and cuddly forever. This picture was just taken earlier this week; she is now 4 1/2 months old.




ETA: Hah! I just went back in to see how this looked as a published post and looked at the title... "Karma's a Brown-Noser". Apparently, I'm into the puns today... did you notice the real color of her nose? Mojo's and Arrow's noses are black (with a bit of a pink center) but because Karma is a red-head, her nose IS brown! Funny.

Siberian Huskies

If you haven't noticed by now, the link to my blog is "huskies and harleys"... they both take priority in our lives. I thought I should post some pics of the Huskies. It's Friday and my day off. I was planning to get flowers in all my planters today but, once again, it's raining and I'm sitting inside, procrastinating on some work projects that I brought home to complete over the weekend, and my dogs are taking over the living room rug with their mild, rainy day playing. "Mild" is Mojo yelping because Karma bit his foot pads too hard and after I chastised them, they've settled down a bit.

Here's a picture of the dogs Gil had when I met him. This was taken our first winter together just east of where my parents live in the canyon heading up toward the lakes. Sassy is in front, Hiawatha (Alaskan Malamute) is the 2-yr old brute directly behind Sassy, and Arrow is on the right.

Here's a picture of Arrow, the old man. Sassy's death (a year ago this month) hit him pretty hard. They were a year apart in age and very close; Sassy was actually his aunt but they were lifelong companions. He started looking his old age of 10 and became very cranky, lashing out at Mojo who would only want to play. Since Karma arrived (li'l miss has evened out his temper), he's looking younger again, and is much more tolerant of both her's and Mojo's crazy antics.
Whereas Arrow is more like my step-child because he was already 6 when Gil and I met (this doesn't mean I love him any less), Mojo is definitely my first, very own puppy that I've raised as an adult... my "baby boy". He definitely is a mama's boy though he loves his daddy just as much. He's glued to my side like a shadow, always needing to be near. Here's a picture of Karma on the day we brought her home just over two months ago. Mojo is the main reason we got Karma... after seeing how much Sassy meant to Arrow, we didn't want Mojo to be alone when it's Arrow's turn to go. There's an 8 year age difference and that's too much time for a pack dog to be without a companion. Mojo and Karma get along great... there's a LOT of playing right now but Mojo's still essentially a puppy, too. She stayed away from Arrow the first week or so but then Arrow's attitude started changing and now all three play together like they're the best of friends. It's so nice to see.

We laugh so much watching them. I never thought that dogs could bring me such great joy. I suppose you could say we spoil them but at the same time, we have them on a pretty tight leash. We do not allow them off their leash outside of our 6 foot high fenced yard at all. They have their outdoor kennel where they go "gussy" (potty) and stay when we want them outside while we're home. They do not run in the yard without us out there with them. At night, Arrow sleeps in our room and Mojo and Karma sleep in their crates inside the shop; all three stay in their crates when we're not at home. We have a heater for winter months and an air conditioner when it gets too warm in the summer. Most times while we're home, they're in the house with us. Gil does occasionally hook the boys up to a 2-wheel scooter he made from an old mountain bike of mine, a 4-wheel cart that he made when he lived in Germany, or to a sled those too few times that we have snow. We're talking about getting me started on using the cart with Mojo and Karma next year when she's old enough for the harness. Until then, I'd much rather not put myself at risk for being dragged through the trees hooked up to two crazy dogs when they happen to spot a rabbit!