Sick Puppy & Hurting Heart

We got back from vacation late Sunday evening... I've been pondering over the past two days about what to write. A lot of stuff has happened both physically and emotionally... and then this morning, we wake up to discover that Karma is sick. Really sick. She vomited in her box twice since we put her to bed last night, she had diarrhea when we put her out in the kennel, she was lethargic and depressed, wouldn't get up when called and wouldn't eat... she was running a fever and despondent, not even walking... totally not like her. I spent the day at our vet's with her... we had bloodwork, x-rays and barium studies... she had gotten hold of a small piece of string and ate it while we were away and we were hoping against hope that it hadn't knotted around her intestines causing a blockage. The bloodwork showed abnormal lymphocytes, indicating some type of infection or inflammatory process and then the plain films showed some abnormal gas pockets in her abdomen. So we proceeded to the barium study... even though it showed some filling defects (which can be due to inflammation), there was no obstruction. Our vet didn't want to completely rule out Parvo but gave us some antibiotics, dewormer, and an anti-diarrheal med to give her over the next couple of days along with a bland diet... no dog food... she now gets spoiled on hamburger and rice. By the time I write this, 14 hours after we woke her up this morning, she's now walking of her own accord and wagging her tail a bit. She's still lethargic but is showing a definite perkiness that wasn't there all day. She did eat dinner and take her meds and is keeping everything down. Talk about a stressful day. I was in tears often throughout the day... poor baby. The boys are being really good about leaving her alone although I had to tell Mojo twice to leave her alone this evening after she started moving around more. He tried nudging her to get her to play and she's having none of that today.

I heard from the PPVI Institute this afternoon. I had called to get a cost estimate on the diagnostic tests that Dr. Hilgers is recommending to further diagnose the extent of my disease. The blood test alone will be almost $900... the rest of the tests will run upwards of $10,000... and that's just diagnostics, not the subsequent treatment! Yikes. Because my insurance won't pay for anything out of state or for anything related to infertility, I would have to pay for all of this, in full, at the time of service. There's no way we can continue on with this at that kind of cost... we don't have the resources. We're still paying off our home remodeling projects and other debt incurred while Gil was going to school and we were "living" on a single paycheck. Tonight I started feeling the pain of the IF again, the hopelessness that comes with it, and the pain of realizing that working on my disease and IF is a no-go. Back to square one with no chance whatsoever of getting pregnant.

I know, I know... we're adopting. You're probably thinking that choosing to adopt was our way of dealing with the IF and not getting pregnant. Nope. Adoption was always a choice for us; we just decided to pursue it earlier than originally intended. We still had hopes of getting pregnant and having biological children as well. I'm still ecstatic at the thought of adopting and I'm so looking forward to the day when we will have our child(ren) to hold physically in our arms, not just in our hearts. But it doesn't take away the pain of infertility... especially when so many others praise pregnancy like it's the best thing in the world and barely congratulate us on our decision to adopt... then again, adoption has stereotypically been second best in most people's minds. Just a substitute because we're incapable of being "normal". Sorry for the cynicism... I'm really hurting today.

Especially when, while back home on vacation, we're bombarded with babies and pregnancies every time we turn around. I don't resent others their babies or pregnancies. But I hurt nonetheless. If there is anyone from my life back home who has ever suffered infertility, please step forward and show yourself to me. I need to know that I'm not alone. I know only one other person where I now live that suffers it. I feel so alone sometimes. Yes, I know God is there... but He's also the One choosing not to allow us to get pregnant. I would gladly suffer the disease that I have cursed prior to even knowing what I suffer has a name for a billion years if I had the chance to get pregnant.

I just realized today after pouring my heart out to my HP sisters that we essentially are pregnant... we conceived when we signed our first application in this adoption process and now we're in our gestational period waiting for the big day. It hurts to admit that I feel a bit jealous about the recognition pregnant women get while I barely get the passing congratulations. There are exceptions and believe me, I know who you are and you are the best gifts I could have for feeling about our adoption choice the way I do. Thank you.

Please keep me in your prayers. If you can, please let me know that you're there for me... if not physically, at least emotionally. It helps so much to hear from you.

Speaking of prayers, Gil and I have decided to jump-start our prayer life and get back on track. On the 13th, we started St. Louis de Montfort's 33 day Consecration to Jesus through Our Lady. This was held in high esteem by Pope John Paul II. It's a huge undertaking when all I was looking for was a simple 9 day novena! But if we're going to do it, why not go all out?!