Winter's On Its Way

Yesterday, the weather did a complete one-eighty from the day before. We have snow on all the surrounding hills, the wind is whipping with a bitter bite, and I'm back to wearing socks. I feel the coldness a emotionally as well as physically today.

My heart is aching. I woke this morning with a sinking feeling of unease and can't seem to shake it. I slept poorly, which isn't unusual, but close to morning, I dreamt, which is unusual. I'm not a dreamer... but I dreamt that a baby was left on our doorstep, bundled in a car seat, not even a month old. As silly and stupid as it was, I checked the doorstep... not once but twice this morning.

I know nothing that miraculous would happen to me. When it comes to luck, I fly off the scales from my lack of it. I'm as skinny with the luck as I can only dream of being physically! I don't know why I would dream something like that, though, and it's been bugging me all day. I'm aching so bad from the desire to have a baby, I almost fear my desire is becoming a sin... and I don't know how to give it up.

I get to test tomorrow. The dreaded pregnancy test. We went through so many negative ones the first three years of trying that I'm scared to have to go buy one just to fail again.

Please pray. My hurt is overtaking me at the moment and I can't find the words to do it myself.