Monday's Musings

The "Simple Things" for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... chocolate. It's been a life-saver this past week.

Outside my window... is a beautiful full moon and clear sky.

I am going... to frame my worn-out Bet.tis jersey to hang in our game room.

I am reading... medical reports. I signed back on to work a couple of extra hours tonight.

I am hoping... I can get everything done on my "to do" list this week.

I am hearing... puppies chasing bunnies in their dreams as they sleep on my office floor while Tra.cy Cha.pman sings "Hallelujah".

One of my favorite things... the smell of pumpkin spice. What a perfect fall aroma!

Here is a picture I'm sharing... I took this last fall. I just loved the contrast between the orange and blue.

Comedic Relief

I was daydreaming last night and it took me back to simpler (and seemingly more fun) times. Stella, this one's for you... Remember when we had all those sleepovers and we'd tape record different radio programs? Brian Regan? Flock of meese?! Too dang funny, girl! For some reason, this was much funnier then (somewhere around 5th to 6th grade) but I still laugh my hiney off because of the memories it brings back.

Tito!!

Monday's Musings

I'm going to try re-starting my "Monday's Meme" thing at an attempt to get back into the groove of blogging after my emotional break. However, I'm going to do the same meme every Monday, just with different answers. So here goes...

The Simple Things for which I'm grateful...

I am thankful for... free phone calls. With Gil gone so much, we're able to stay in touch without having to pay extra.

Outside my window... a raging storm. It's died down a bit as I write this but the wind was howling something fierce, so strong it was blowing the rain right on through.

I am going... to bed shortly; it's been a long day.

I am reading... Self and BHG magazines; my newest editions arrived in the mail over the weekend.

I am hoping... for a brighter emotional week than the last one.

I am hearing... silence. I just turned the tv off in preparation for bed.

One of my favorite things... brownies! I sinfully ate three throughout the course of today!

Here is a picture I'm sharing... a smokey sunset scene from last month before our resident forest fire was extinguished by the first snow.

3 Week Update

It's been so long, I don't even know where to begin. Three weeks. Wow. The reason? Pain. Indescribable pain. I'm ready to admit it now... now that I'm starting to see the light on the other side.

I last wrote about our cancelled IUI in September... we still utilized the hormones and things were feeling really positive. The path we had started down felt really right. I was in a lot of pain from all the drugs, I think a little ovarian over-stimulation or something. I tested on day 28 and - lo and behold! - it was negative. No real surprise there. So I stopped taking the prometrium (progesterone) meant to sustain an early pregnancy and began feeling the ache, the sting from another hope dashed.

When my cycle started, it was the most intense pain I've dealt with in awhile but it also began the whole process all over again. I called my nurses, set up appointments, ordered more drugs... the next day when I actually looked at the calendar and was figuring everything out with Gil, we realized he'd be out of town over the days that would be ideal for the IUI. So I had to call my nurses back and cancel everything... and I broke.

Literally broke down. I hurt so bad, cried so hard, that I stressed myself into a migraine so bad I was vomiting and extremely sensitive to light and sound. I spent 3 full days laid up in bed with the shades drawn. And I've spent almost every day since then crying.

In two more months, Gil and I will have been trying to conceive for 5 years. FIVE years! We finally got the opportunity to meet with an REI in August and finally have someone tell us that we should have no problems getting pregnant with the aid of IUI(s), so we jump on board and begin the process... twice... only to have to cancel twice.

I'm feeling very hopeless right now. I feel like we've come to the end of the treatment options we had decided upon, which means the very possible end of having a chance to conceive. I've lost the ability to pray; I just don't know how anymore. I can't even form the words... which is flowing over into every aspect of my life and is why I haven't felt like blogging.

But I'm trying. I was blessed by someone in my support group and just received 3 more books on dealing with infertility. I'm thinking of taking a supplement to help with serotonin (depression) issues which, if you know me, is a huge step in admitting and submitting to anything! I have to contact my doctor to check interactions with my prescriptions.

And best of all, I have the most wonderful husband on the face of the earth. I may not be able to pray right now but I'm still able to feel God's love despite that... through Gil. I have many other blessings and believe me, I don't take a single one of them for granted. But Gil, man oh man! God must really love me to have blessed me with him. Not to belittle the prayers and friendship many of you offer (for which I'm truly and eternally grateful) but it's truly my husband that is getting me through right now. And if I can still feel God's hand in that, there's still hope.

Winter's On Its Way

Yesterday, the weather did a complete one-eighty from the day before. We have snow on all the surrounding hills, the wind is whipping with a bitter bite, and I'm back to wearing socks. I feel the coldness a emotionally as well as physically today.

My heart is aching. I woke this morning with a sinking feeling of unease and can't seem to shake it. I slept poorly, which isn't unusual, but close to morning, I dreamt, which is unusual. I'm not a dreamer... but I dreamt that a baby was left on our doorstep, bundled in a car seat, not even a month old. As silly and stupid as it was, I checked the doorstep... not once but twice this morning.

I know nothing that miraculous would happen to me. When it comes to luck, I fly off the scales from my lack of it. I'm as skinny with the luck as I can only dream of being physically! I don't know why I would dream something like that, though, and it's been bugging me all day. I'm aching so bad from the desire to have a baby, I almost fear my desire is becoming a sin... and I don't know how to give it up.

I get to test tomorrow. The dreaded pregnancy test. We went through so many negative ones the first three years of trying that I'm scared to have to go buy one just to fail again.

Please pray. My hurt is overtaking me at the moment and I can't find the words to do it myself.

"Why, God?"

Oh, the eternal question "Why?" Remember my last post, my anger at the unfairness of it all and questioning God yet again?

God answered me today.

I received my latest Stepping Stones newsletter last week but never opened it to read until today. The article on page 3 of the Sept-Oct 2009 issue discusses five lessons learned while living with infertility. When discussing Job and his tribulations and how he always questioned God, the article paraphrases Job 38 (God's response to Job's question) in the following way:

"Who are you to question My wisdom? Were you there when I made the world? Who closed the gates to hold back the sea when it burst from the womb of the earth? Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn? Has anyone ever shown you the gates that guard the dark world of the dead?"

Who am I? Who am I to question God and His purpose for my life?

I read Job 38 in its entirety, then read 39, 40 and continued skimming through the end of the book to see how Job would react to God's chastisement and what else God might have to say to him, what He has to say to me. Job 42 says:

1 Then Job answered the Lord and said:
2 I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be hindered.
3 I have dealt with great things that I do not understand, things too wonderful for me which I cannot know.

It goes on to say that Job repented for his ways, and

12 Thus the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his earlier ones.

Thank You, Lord, for hearing my plea and opening my heart to Your reply. Thank You for loving me through my tantrums. Thank You for blessing my life in ways I do not always see or feel.

May my thoughts and words continue to praise You and may my prayers continue to honor You.

God... Seriously?!?!

What are You thinking?!?

Again I ask... Why?

Gil and I can't even conceive once and You help this couple conceive twice in less than three weeks?!! Two babies, not twins, in the same gestational period??? Really?!

And don't even get me started on the Dug.gars... nineteen?!?! I'm only asking for one! Maybe two... and I'd love three. They've received that more than six times over!!

Thanks, God, for spreading the wealth. We're really feelin' the love here.

(Note to those who will accuse me of not having enough faith... my faith in my God is not in danger of being lost and my faith in my God allows me to feel every feeling He created us to suffer and enjoy. I'm only expressing my anger and hurt with Him, knowing He continues to love me through my tantrums. Can we blame this outburst on the hormones?)