Guilty Conscience (Adoption Frustrations)

We had our fingerprints submitted for background checks a year ago this month. We're approved to fost-adopt through our state and it's been going slow, slow, slow... mostly because we chose ages 0-4 and that's hard to come by unless we care to do foster rather than just adopt... our hearts wouldn't be able to handle the uncertainties and giving the children back to their parents.

As we were getting ready to move two weeks ago, our social worker called and gave us our first placement referral. We just received their long, expanded social narratives Monday. DH got home from his out-of-town trip yesterday and we poured over the narratives, prayed over it, discussed it and rehashed it, and with a sad and heavy heart this morning, I let our social worker know that this wasn't the situation for us. And then I broke down.

It doesn't help that we're currently living with my parents while we try to find/purchase a home and both mom and I work from home so she was here to comfort me. I can often hold it in if no one's trying to hug me and wishing they could fix things. I'm not complaining that she was there, but I don't think I would've broke down so bad if she's wasn't allowing me to.

My deeper hurt is coming from guilt... guilt at saying no to two boys who so desperately need a home. Our reasons? They're a bit older (4 & 8) than we feel equipped for right now and they come with some abuse situations we feel ill-equipped for. Physical and emotional abuse we could handle... but sexual? That's a whole different ballgame. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if our situation right now was a bit less tumultuous but we'll be moving into a new home within the next month (fingers crossed) and doing renovations and getting used to a new community and I think they'd need more structure than that. Also... it just didn't feel right... I can't explain it.

I also feel a different sort of guilt at "getting" to choose who our children will be. The fact that I could say no because of a situation we're uncomfortable with... how many other parents get to choose their children? Why should I get to say no when children are all I've ever wanted?

I hurt at being angry because I have to choose whether to pay off debt and buy a house over getting to buy a baby (because going through an agency is just that to me). Anger because I have to not only deal with infertility but a stupid disease with ugly and life-altering side effects. I hate it. I'm tired of dealing with it. I don't see the purpose, His purpose, in this life path I'm being forced to stumble along. My toes are bruised and broken from all the roots and rocks sticking out of the dirt and mud. I know it may be boring, but sometimes I'd really like a nice, smooth asphalt trail to skate along.

I know I'm rambling but I'm really hurting... and feeling guilty. I just wish I could take those boys in and love them forever but I know in my heart they are not our children. I just hope it doesn't take another year before we get our next referral.