I Have Issues

Yes, I have issues (I can't escape it, Hoser, I think I need a shirt like your folks!). I think we all have them but mine tend to get strange looks and strong reactions from other people.

In my last post, I wrote about the dread that comes the week before Mother's (and Father's) Day and admitted that I continue to have issues with being IF. And writing that just now, I realized that it's easier for me to say I'm "IF" rather than actually writing out "infertile". There's such a negative connotation there.

Anyway... Mother's Day... the day to celebrate all moms. I'm a new mom this year to three wonderful children whom I already love with my whole being. And here's something I'm admitting publicly, rather shamefacedly: I know I'm a mom, but I still don't feel like a mom. I know those feelings will come with time, and maybe even once the adoption's legal and final and I don't have to answer to anyone but God about how I'm caring for my children, but I don't feel like a real mom yet.

I think this may be a typical feeling for parents who adopt, especially for those who adopt older children rather than bringing an infant home from the hospital. We had no time to prepare prior to our childrens' births; they came to us walking, talking and definitely with their own personalities already established... not to mention the fact that they came to us with a history of hurts already in their short little lives. We had nothing to do with that. We also had nothing to do with the milestones and parenting they've already had. We can't take credit for how well-behaved they are in public. We get compliments all the time on how nice and behaved our children are - in restaurants especially - and we take pride in that, but we can't take credit for it. Not yet, anyway.

I love that I was chosen to be their mom and I love that I am their mom... so why the lingering feelings about Mother's Day? Because I still don't feel like it's for me. And I still feel like there's too much focus given to this "holiday". I said it last year: I don't need one special day to show and tell my Mom how great and special she is to me. I can do that any time I want... and I try to do it all the time. And I love that there's a day set aside to honor moms and the wonderful people they are but I also think it's just another commercialized, consumerism-fed holiday that's unnecessary... because we should be celebrating every day. Just like we should be celebrating Christmas and Easter every day!

I also realize that holidays like this are so terribly painful to so many people... I've lived the pain and I haven't forgotten it. I'm still infertile. Having three children hasn't changed that fact. I still have pain and anger because of that. Like I said in my previous post, I'm stuffing those feelings down in the presence of current chaos, but they're still there. And having lived that pain for so long, I've gained a deeper understanding of others who struggle with pain... pain from losing a loved one, pain from chronic illness, pain from the "unseen" reasons. And I ache for them... I ache for all those I know and don't know who are struggling so badly right now.... those who've lost their mom or are estranged from their mom, those moms who've lost their children too soon, and those who desire to but cannot be moms whether due to being single or being infertile.

That ache within me clouds over the celebration I should be feeling as a new mom on her first Mother's Day. And those are some of my issues.