Guilty Conscience (Adoption Frustrations)

We had our fingerprints submitted for background checks a year ago this month. We're approved to fost-adopt through our state and it's been going slow, slow, slow... mostly because we chose ages 0-4 and that's hard to come by unless we care to do foster rather than just adopt... our hearts wouldn't be able to handle the uncertainties and giving the children back to their parents.

As we were getting ready to move two weeks ago, our social worker called and gave us our first placement referral. We just received their long, expanded social narratives Monday. DH got home from his out-of-town trip yesterday and we poured over the narratives, prayed over it, discussed it and rehashed it, and with a sad and heavy heart this morning, I let our social worker know that this wasn't the situation for us. And then I broke down.

It doesn't help that we're currently living with my parents while we try to find/purchase a home and both mom and I work from home so she was here to comfort me. I can often hold it in if no one's trying to hug me and wishing they could fix things. I'm not complaining that she was there, but I don't think I would've broke down so bad if she's wasn't allowing me to.

My deeper hurt is coming from guilt... guilt at saying no to two boys who so desperately need a home. Our reasons? They're a bit older (4 & 8) than we feel equipped for right now and they come with some abuse situations we feel ill-equipped for. Physical and emotional abuse we could handle... but sexual? That's a whole different ballgame. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if our situation right now was a bit less tumultuous but we'll be moving into a new home within the next month (fingers crossed) and doing renovations and getting used to a new community and I think they'd need more structure than that. Also... it just didn't feel right... I can't explain it.

I also feel a different sort of guilt at "getting" to choose who our children will be. The fact that I could say no because of a situation we're uncomfortable with... how many other parents get to choose their children? Why should I get to say no when children are all I've ever wanted?

I hurt at being angry because I have to choose whether to pay off debt and buy a house over getting to buy a baby (because going through an agency is just that to me). Anger because I have to not only deal with infertility but a stupid disease with ugly and life-altering side effects. I hate it. I'm tired of dealing with it. I don't see the purpose, His purpose, in this life path I'm being forced to stumble along. My toes are bruised and broken from all the roots and rocks sticking out of the dirt and mud. I know it may be boring, but sometimes I'd really like a nice, smooth asphalt trail to skate along.

I know I'm rambling but I'm really hurting... and feeling guilty. I just wish I could take those boys in and love them forever but I know in my heart they are not our children. I just hope it doesn't take another year before we get our next referral.

A-hunting we will go...

Gil and I spent all day Saturday looking at houses. Our realtor sent us a huge list of about 90 possibilities that fit our criteria the closest (there were many more that fit most our criteria). Of those, we came up with a list of about 10 that we wanted to look at right away. Saturday morning dawned with a few raindrops falling but that didn't deter us as... we rolled up the soft-top on the Jeep, threw on a sweatshirt, and took off. By the time we got halfway to where we were supposed to meet R (our realtor), we stopped for a frappucino and put the top back down. We spent all day (8 hours) going from house to house to house, taking pictures and jotting down notes. R was a great sport and hopped in the back of the Jeep to ride along with us rather than making us go in his car. He even bought us an early snack and a nice lunch afterward.

The house I wanted to see more than any others was probably the biggest disappointment. I almost started crying the moment we stepped out of the Jeep to go up the walk. The owners were building it themselves and waaay over-extended themselves. Even I could tell - with my unprofessional eye - they knew not a whole lot about construction. Measurements in stair areas were so horrible that we'd have to duck in places to avoid hitting our heads and there was water damage everywhere. They tried saving money by cutting some corners but you could definitely see the dreams they had for it. If they would've done it right, it would've been absolutely gorgeous and to-die-for. It could've been worth half a million dollars, at least, but now will probably go for less than $200 thousand... and whoever gets it will have a LOT of corrective work to do before they can even complete what was left unfinished. Sad, sad, sad.

After much deliberation weighing all the pros and cons - and much regret for not wearing sunscreen while going topless in the Jeep - we narrowed it down to two choices. These two had about a $40 thousand difference in price tags! Sunday, we signed a buy/sell and put in an offer on the lesser priced one and are now eagerly awaiting news. We should hear if the bank accepts or declines our offer by the end of this week (fingers crossed). There are two other offers on the table for the same place. It's a short-sale... Not because the sale takes place in a short amount of time, that's for sure. This is essentially the last step before the bank forecloses on the property. It's still in the seller's ownership but the bank is going to be getting less than what they're owed, so they have to approve any and all offers. It's definitely a lesson in real estate. So... we wait.

In the meantime, we are thinking and planning as though it's already ours. We're brainstorming new flooring and wall colors, we're prioritizing projects (fencing is going to win so the dogs will have a place of their own without being in our way), and softly penciling in our weekends so we can make sure to also get in some fun play times (and the Jeep Jam.boree!). It's really hard to focus on anything else.

Goodbye Little Home

Maybe I'm feeling a little sad at leaving our home that we spent so much time and effort fixing up or maybe I'm just thinking about doing home improvements when I know we'll have to do more with whatever house we buy. We'll be looking at about 10 houses tomorrow with our realtor and from the listings, just about every single one will need some "personalization" in one way or another. Whatever the deal is, I realized I never once posted pics from the bathroom or kitchen remodels on our old house.

I am not going to post the "during" pictures because there are way too many. Just know that for both of these rooms, we gutted them entirely... down to studs in the walls and installing new subfloors. Partial walls were taken out and rebuilt. Gil replaced all the plumbing and electrical with new, up-to-date products and moved the electrical panel out of the kitchen (where it had been in the wall near the sink!!!). The projects took a LOT of work and I have to say I'm very thankful my husband is so handy with tools and know-how.

We did the bathroom 2 1/2 years ago. It took 3 weeks from start to completion. We bought a camping porta-potty to keep in one garage and replaced the main toilet every night for use. We went through many wax rings!

Before:

During... Picture taken from the garage looking into the house.
The entire exterior wall was removed. There had been a window on this wall but we added on a fully enclosed and insulated garage/shop to this whole side of the house. To make an attached garage meet fire codes, there can be no windows between the house and the garage. For a week, we could walk straight from the bathroom into the garage because there was no wall. Thankfully, the garage was insulated and it was early November so it didn't get too terribly cold.

The old moldy, cast iron/porceline tub. Yuck. Gil had fun smashing it to smitherines.

The new tub/shower single unit. Luckily, there was no exterior wall and we were able to bring this monstrosity directly in that way.

After... all comleted!
All new walls... Gil custom-made the sink counter from a kitchen cabinet base so it stands a bit higher... we can wash our hands without bending over! He had to do some work to make it corner-friendly... and made the tile top himself. He also cut and laid the tile floor himself. I, of course, did all the finishing work like painting and grouting. Moving the sink into the corner really opened it up and made the bathroom seem larger.

We just did the kitchen 1 1/2 years ago... it took 2 months from Christmas 2007 - January 2008. This again was a total gut and rebuild. Everything was 1950 original... metal cabinets painted white, ugly countertops that weren't even fully attached in all places... heating ducts and vents above the cabinets. We ripped out the ducts and re-routed them in the ceiling to allow cabinets to the ceiling. There was a huge double window on the previously-mentioned exterior wall now made into an enclosed garage/shop on the other side. Oh, and the fake brick on the walls and peel-and-stick linoleum... major props to getting rid of it. Because of this kitchen that I lived in for 3 years, I now can no longer stand white kitchens or cabinets. Yuck.

Before...

Before...
Because the house is so small and still in its original 1950's structure, there was no real room for the washer and dryer... thus their place in the kitchen. I didn't really like it but it worked. And I think we made it look nice in the rebuild.

After...

We used laminate flooring that looks like stone (which I love!!!), stock laminate counter-tops from our favorite home improvement store, and base cabinets saved from a kitchen remodel Gil did for a friend a few years ago. The cabinets were oak and still in pretty good condition. We had almost enough to fit our space... Gil had to make 5 more cabinet bases and then he made all the cabinet doors to match... solid oak. Aren't they beautiful?! He even put under-cabinet lighting in for me! We did a $15,000 remodel for $3,000. Who can beat that?!! I know the walls and appliances are the original white, but I picked enough other color in the floor, countertops, and wood stain that it's alright. I loved my kitchen! Gil had made me a roll-out cabinet just for my trash can and my spice cupboard (sorry, no pics) was the envy of every woman who saw it!

We sure made our little house comfortable and updated and the couple who bought it fell in love with it at first sight. A lot of friends have asked if we're sad to be getting rid of it because of all the work we've put into it... the answer is no. It's never actually felt like "home" to us because we always planned to turn it over. We knew it wasn't our forever home or even a place to start expanding our family, so we're really excited to start the search for that home tomorrow.

In Memorium

Well, our life in our old town is officially gone. We have moved 400 miles away from Gil's family and closer to my family. Gil's job brought him this way and there was no reason to argue. I'll miss my climate, that's for sure. Not looking forward to more precipitation and gloomier weather as a biker and Jeeper, but I'll survive! What rides and trails we will traverse will be much better. Quality over quantity, right?!!

We drove about 1,500 miles this past weekend... 2 trips back and forth to get the remainder of our life packed up, moved and stored (in addition to the 3 other trips we've made in the past 5 weeks). We are officially "homeless" and begin the house search this weekend. We've been looking at properties for two years, but haven't been able to physically act on it. We've signed with a realtor now and are eager to get going. Everything happened so fast... we're still a bit dizzy from the speed with which it all came together. We sold our old home before we could even list it... word of mouth only. One of my coworkers had a cousin... and the rest is history!

I'll miss what our old town is to us... it's where Gil and I met and fell in love, where we began our life as one. I made a lot of very good friends there and I'll miss them terribly. But I'm also really excited for this new chapter in our life.

We've just been very, very busy... and are very, very tired.

(For those commenting and who know me, please do not mention specific place names in your comment. Thank you!)

Lamenting in Faith

Here's my choice for today's scripture: Lamentations 3: 31-33

For the Lord's rejection does not last forever;
Though He punishes, He takes pity, in the abundance of His mercies;
He has no joy in afflicting or grieving the sons of men.

This translation is from The New American Bible, commonly used by Catholics and is the Bible of choice on the USCCB's website. However, I'm not sure I like the literal feeling behind the word "punishes". So here's another translation...

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.
For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

I'm not feeling a lot of compassion right now but I'm faithful and hopeful that it'll come. I know He has a plan for my life, for our lives, and I'm trying to trust in my faith that the plan will be great and perfect. Still... infertility sucks.


(The particular Bible source is not referenced for the second translation but was found on I Lift My Eyes Ministries.)

It's a Long Way...

to the Top!

Just 'cause it's frickin' awesome and I felt the need for a little A.C/D.C break.

Nosey Questions

Monday's Meme

Nosey Questions

1. What is your favorite day of the week?
It used to be Friday when I didn’t have to work on that day… now, however, it’s Saturday.

2. How do you usually wear your hair?
Down and slightly curled, with the front pulled off to the side to keep it out of my face. Either that, or I’m covering up with a bandana or ballcap.

3. What is your favorite item of clothing?
One of my Harl.ey sweatshirts or my Ste.elers hoodie.

4. Where would your dream vacation be?
Ireland... but it would have to be an extended vacation, 3-6 months. Think I can finance that?!

5. Who is your favorite author? book?
If this is based on how many books by one particular author I have, then it would be No.ra Rob.erts. However, I also like An.ne Ric.e and Dia.na Ga.baldon.

6. How often do you log on?
1-2 times/day... but each time lasts forever! I'm constantly plugged in.

7. What is one of your favorite internet sites to visit?
Han.nah’s Pra.yer or Go.ogle (I like to look things up).

8. Coke or Pepsi?
If it’s diet: Pepsi. If it’s regular: Coke.

9. Do you prefer healthy snacks or junk food?
What kind of question is that?!! Of course not! ☺

10. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
By nature, I’m a night owl. Work and life force me to function in the morning, fighting against my natural instincts.

Meme courtesy of Randomness.