For My Daddy

Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you!

Nicknames

Isn't it crazy how nicknames can almost come to be such an integral part of our identity? While growing up and still to this day, my Dad calls me Sis and Mom calls me Suze or Suzy Q-zy. Honestly, if Dad ever called me "Sara", I thought he was mad at me. I had different nicknames growing up based on my initials and what they spelled out that have stuck with me since high school and that's all some of my friends ever call me by. One of my best friends, whom I met as an adult a brief 7 years and forever ago, calls me Chief.

I love my nicknames... and I love how having a nickname can be just one more personal connection you can have with someone.

So I can reference my children by more than just an initial when I write about them online, I am going to use the nicknames Gil and I have been starting to call them.

Henceforth, we now have Bubba, Miss B and Lugnut.

I will say that we've been a bit tossed at calling L Bubba and sticking him with a nickname that may unfortunately last through his teen years. We can't help calling him Bubba, though... maybe it's just too easy to say. We call our dog, Arrow, Bubbers, so who knows... maybe we just like the way it rolls off the tongue. Miss B because, well, she's definitely a preening little girl and a definite "little miss". Lugnut came about because he's the typical baby of the family, a stereotypical youngest birth order clown, a verifiable nut.

And we wouldn't have any of the any other way!

Winds of Change

I'm sensing a change in my blogging... not only in my writing but in my desire to write. I'm so tired and so busy, I hardly find the time or energy to figure out what I want to say. My life is so consumed with my children right now but it's just so much of the same, day after day... Believe me, I'm NOT complaining, I'm just stating that I'm finding it difficult to think coherently. Well, subject matter isn't difficult, it's the depth that would be required to delve into those matters would be so time consuming that I can't afford to spend the time.

I give big thanks to those of you who still read my blog since I've become so unpredictable in my posting. I do plan to keep writing, and as I become more accustomed to the changes in my life, I predict that I can become more regular in my posting as well.

Happy Mother's Day!

In honor of the most beautiful and loving Mom in the whole wide world...


This picture shows her as a high school senior. She IS one of the most beautiful people I know, and she honestly only continues to get younger. We'll be sisters pretty soon. I don't know how she does it but I hope it's genetic because I need to stop this aging thing!

I love you, Mom... and I loved you first!

I Have Issues

Yes, I have issues (I can't escape it, Hoser, I think I need a shirt like your folks!). I think we all have them but mine tend to get strange looks and strong reactions from other people.

In my last post, I wrote about the dread that comes the week before Mother's (and Father's) Day and admitted that I continue to have issues with being IF. And writing that just now, I realized that it's easier for me to say I'm "IF" rather than actually writing out "infertile". There's such a negative connotation there.

Anyway... Mother's Day... the day to celebrate all moms. I'm a new mom this year to three wonderful children whom I already love with my whole being. And here's something I'm admitting publicly, rather shamefacedly: I know I'm a mom, but I still don't feel like a mom. I know those feelings will come with time, and maybe even once the adoption's legal and final and I don't have to answer to anyone but God about how I'm caring for my children, but I don't feel like a real mom yet.

I think this may be a typical feeling for parents who adopt, especially for those who adopt older children rather than bringing an infant home from the hospital. We had no time to prepare prior to our childrens' births; they came to us walking, talking and definitely with their own personalities already established... not to mention the fact that they came to us with a history of hurts already in their short little lives. We had nothing to do with that. We also had nothing to do with the milestones and parenting they've already had. We can't take credit for how well-behaved they are in public. We get compliments all the time on how nice and behaved our children are - in restaurants especially - and we take pride in that, but we can't take credit for it. Not yet, anyway.

I love that I was chosen to be their mom and I love that I am their mom... so why the lingering feelings about Mother's Day? Because I still don't feel like it's for me. And I still feel like there's too much focus given to this "holiday". I said it last year: I don't need one special day to show and tell my Mom how great and special she is to me. I can do that any time I want... and I try to do it all the time. And I love that there's a day set aside to honor moms and the wonderful people they are but I also think it's just another commercialized, consumerism-fed holiday that's unnecessary... because we should be celebrating every day. Just like we should be celebrating Christmas and Easter every day!

I also realize that holidays like this are so terribly painful to so many people... I've lived the pain and I haven't forgotten it. I'm still infertile. Having three children hasn't changed that fact. I still have pain and anger because of that. Like I said in my previous post, I'm stuffing those feelings down in the presence of current chaos, but they're still there. And having lived that pain for so long, I've gained a deeper understanding of others who struggle with pain... pain from losing a loved one, pain from chronic illness, pain from the "unseen" reasons. And I ache for them... I ache for all those I know and don't know who are struggling so badly right now.... those who've lost their mom or are estranged from their mom, those moms who've lost their children too soon, and those who desire to but cannot be moms whether due to being single or being infertile.

That ache within me clouds over the celebration I should be feeling as a new mom on her first Mother's Day. And those are some of my issues.

NIAW 2010

National Infertility Awareness Week was moved this year from its former position in the fall to a week just prior to the dreaded Mother's and Father's Day... April 25 - May 2, 2010. Some say this is a very smart move by RESOLVE as it stirs up awareness and support for those who have it especially difficult during this season (I will post more on my MD feelings soon).

I don't have a personal reflection this year in honor of this week. In truth, I've been stuffing a lot of my IF issues down deep while we continue getting used to our children and the impending adoption and all the issues associated with "fostering". I will say that despite the stuffing, the feelings are still there; I just don't know how to talk about them right now.

I will say this: Be Aware! Be aware there are people in your life who don't have a choice when it comes to pregnancy and having children. Our choices are different ones... whether to take out astronomical loans just to go through diagnosis of medical issues to determine cause of infertility... whether to take out more loans to try different conception treatments... more money if we then decide to pursue the route of the adoption... more money for counseling to learn how to cope with all the emotional baggage of being "less than" a real woman or man, or the stress put on a marriage... whether or not to attend church because we know the talk will be about what a "blessing" it is to be pregnant and have children, the service will focus on the newly pregnant, newly birthed, newly baptized, newly confirmed, etc., things we will probably never get to experience ourselves and we'll just end up in tears and ruined for at least the rest of the day...

Please, just be aware. Getting pregnant and having a baby is not a given in this life and isn't something we should take for granted. It is a HUGE blessing and though you may feel it's just a natural, given part of life, it isn't for some of us. So don't brush us off with what you may feel are well-intended remarks meant to make us feel better... something like, "well, you can have my kids any day; they're great birth control!" One: it's disrespectful to your kids and two: it's disrespectful to the IF-laden person who doesn't need birth control to keep from getting pregnant in the first place.

I know I've pointed this out before, but here is some IF etiquette for friends and family who care to be aware.

Also, here is a new post from Stir.rup Qu.eens about the "what if" questions all us infertiles ask ourselves at least once throughout the journey so you can see some of the things we think about.

Have you hugged an infertile today?

Rescue Yourself

I just read this article about Jil.lian Mic.haels (the b*%#$ trainer from Big.gest Lo.ser)... here's a direct quote:

"I'm going to adopt. I can't handle doing that to my body," Mic.haels told the magazine. "Also, when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself."

Needless to say, I have issues... (in a totally unrelated and silly side note, Hoser, those last 3 words are for you!!). Those issues are:

1) In regards to adoption, she talks about "rescuing something". SomeTHING? Seriously? Like babies and children are things to be rescued so you can feel better about yourself? I'm sorry. I thought adoption was about loving and caring for children because they need a good home and safe environment in which to grow up, or simply that they need LIFE, chosen in selflessness by their birthparents. Not about rescue, and especially not about rescue for the sake of rescuing yourself. Rescuing yourself from what?

I'm sure people think Gil and I chose to adopt because we're "rescuing" ourselves from infertility but that's not true. Adoption was never a Plan B for us. Gil and I each chose adoption before we ever met, and we discussed our desires to adopt in our first month of dating. It was never a Plan B but always an additional route we wanted to travel because of our love for children and wanting to parent multiple children and, yes, wanting to give life to a kid whose birthparents couldn't.

2) Even though my body may not be capable of becoming pregnant, it's what the woman's body was designed for. To choose adoption because you're so image-driven to have the "perfect" body and oh no! Getting pregnant would screw that up so let's adopt instead so my stomach can stay nice and flat and my hips won't get pushed out of alignment. It's a bit warped, if you ask me. But then again, I've never been a fan of Ms. Mic.haels and her demeaning demeanor in getting people to lose weight.

3) It must be nice to have a choice. Yes, that statement is pure jealousy. And I know jealousy is a deadly sin, and coveting goes against God's commandment, but I still deal with it. Yes, I am jealous, and a bit angry, with those who can just CHOOSE to get pregnant or not. They're not emotions I'm happy to have and they've caused a lot of grief in my life, but they're emotions I'm trying to control. And every year, I succeed a little bit better, with the help of the God Who made me in His image, made me perfect in His image.

Yeah, I have issues. And I'm working on them.