Warning: TMI

Another negative test.  Another pregnancy hope dashed.  I don't know why we continue hoping when we know there's such an impossible chance for it to happen.  It's just that July was the first time in six months that AF came... and when AF came naturally one month to the day later in August, I thought, "Wow!  This hasn't happened naturally without drugs since I was in my early twenties... this might just be our chance!"  Fat chance.

We try not to let it affect us but it really stung.  It still stings.  We were both brought to tears yesterday.  Like I was saying, I don't know why it still hurts so bad.  Why do we expect different results each time?  Why?  Because we believe in God and we believe He still has the power to create miracles, that's why.  I know that I often sound like a pessimist when it comes to our IF but really, I'm very much an optimist.  Who else but an optimist would keep hoping after almost four years of dashed hope?  Remember when Halle Berry got pregnant?  Remember how she talked about how many negative HPTs they went through month after month for - what was it - a total of eight months?  I hate to sound mean because I'm sure it was painful for her but c'mon!  Eight months?!  In January, it will be four YEARS for us!  I can't even begin to count the number of HPTs we've had to suffer through... not to mention the amount of OPKs, doctor visits, etc.  Heck, we still have more in front of us on that journey.  

But tomorrow, we have our next adoption class.  They told us last week that we should be approved by Thanksgiving if all goes well... they like to get the homestudies done within two months of the training.  Of course, I still don't know if we have additional classes because we're going the adoptive route rather than fostering because no one has addressed anything specifically to those of us not fostering.  I feel like we're just sort of there, like bumps on a log.  I knew this would be geared toward fostering but if they're going to have us all taking the same classes, they need to address all of us for the respective routes we're taking.  

I'm thinking that stress and depression have caused me to get sick... I missed work yesterday and am still harboring a headache today.  However, I'm making a point to go to my friend, M's, tonight for a little girls' get-together and am going out again tomorrow night with a couple friends from work for a going-away party.  I think getting out and socializing for different reasons than adoption or infertility is a must right now.  Gil was home sick today but we were able to get out a little bit this afternoon and run some errands (otherwise known as "spending money").  We bought him some new jeans and a bluetooth headset.  We also bought a wireless internet card through our phone company and I'm trying it out right now. It's a little bit slower than the cable connection I've been used to but we'll try it out for a couple of days.

So there's the update for this week.  I'll try to write more on Sunday.  Thanks for reading.